Girl

squealing like a schoolgirl

2006-11-19T13:06:00.000+10:00

The full Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix teaser trailer, at YouTube (I would post it here but I keep getting a YouTube error when I try to do that. Stupid...something!)

OMG!!!

(Even if it is dodgy filmed in a cinema stuff.)

g

Eeep!

2006-11-18T19:45:00.000+10:00

I just watched ten second teaser trailer for the next Harry Potter film. (Yes, I am one of those people.)

All I have to say: HOLY CRAP HARRY WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR HAIR?!?!?

*ahem*

g

We got it sweet now, aint nothing calling, I'm at your feet now but girl, I'm still falling at ya!

2006-11-17T02:08:00.000+10:00

Lordy, what a crazy night! Saw the Infadels, was good, saw (and met, briefly) the most gorgeous boy in the world. (Was also snubbed by him, clearly a homo.) Also saw my future wife, whom I have been stalking all semester (read: we had some classes together).

My brain cannot cope with the sheer volume of hotness I saw tonight.

Excuse me while I go to bed and erm...read a book. Yes. That's what I'll do.

g

Blogging about...the weather... (take two)

2006-11-16T11:53:00.000+10:00

So I know talking about the weather is so passe, but if you are in Brisbane, look at this weather! It's fucking exciting!

It's like someone's taken a perfectly beautiful day and put it in a wind-tunnel.

Only a few little anecdotes from my journey to/from the psychiatrist. (yep, still crazy)

Sitting at traffic lights, watching the lights and the pole they're suspended on bounce up and down is fucking scary. Especially when you're about to drive your shiny, newly repaired car straight under them. (Please don't fall on me, I couldn't cope!)

Okay, only one anecdote then. I could blog about being a crazy person, but that's boring. And I need breakfast.

Besides, I'm sure you're all sick of long rambling posts!

g

Holy crap storm!

2006-11-15T13:29:00.000+10:00

We just had a swirling, screeching sucking hailing maelstrom descend upon us here at g-central (haha the g-spot). It was actually quite frightening, what with being on the 12th floor and all, there were a few moments I was afraid the building was going to fall down!

g

Cause what you don't want is okay, boy...it's nothing new to me...

2006-11-15T08:16:00.000+10:00

So obviously yesterday it was harder to post than the day before, given that I didn't. Whoops!

Sorry kids- had work, and pretty much straight after work I went to a friend's place (The One Who Got Away, actually, although I'm changing my mind about that) to get drunk, watch Black Books, and play Trivial Pursuit.

Anyway, I didn't sleep too well on their cruddy futon, so I'm thinking I might crawl into bed now.

Ciao,

g

PS. I just got sad about lots of things. Stupid alcohol, and its stupid being a depressant!

Cause baby I can't change the way it is....

2006-11-13T22:02:00.000+10:00

So today's the first day it's actually been difficult to post. Mostly because I seem to have hit the bad part of mania again, when I am incredibly irritable and filled with dislike for most everyone and everything. So this is going to be a short one.

Dinner with friends, I was too grumpy for it, so nothing much to report. I texted AFL, no reply yet, but I'm not going to stress too much- took him a couple of hours to reply the other day, so meh.

Funny, I was in a really good mood at work this afternoon, but then about five minutes from home, something just clicked, and I went grumpy. I don't know why. This uncontrollable mood thing scares me. It's not like I don't try to control it, sometimes I just can't... or I go to all the effort of dragging myself out of the grumps, but something tiny triggers me and I slide back in a heap. I don't know. I am going to stop rambling now, and go to bed.

Ciao kiddies,

g

The Anti-Climax... (hee!)

2006-11-12T13:04:00.000+10:00

So after all that, we didn't actually have sex.

The gig was awesome, The Dukes of Windsor are hot, you should check them out! Great music, good looking boys... and the audience was super hot too- so if you are already a fan of the Dukes, you can rest assured that I probably think you are hot. It was almost painful, looking at all the beautiful indie boys and wondering why I had invited AFL. Indie boys are the best kind.

AFL and I danced a bit, my body pressed back against his. It was lovely, he was tall and warm and solid, his head occasionally bending to kiss or nuzzle my hair. We aren't casual or relaxed in our touching yet, so touching him, and having him touch me, is still fraught with nerves and excitement. Which is actually lovely. The heady rush of touching and being touched is still there- after all there's never touching better than the first few times you do it. He is lovely to touch...some quality in his skin and muscles, some nameless thing that I don't find with everybody... chemistry, I guess you'd call it- I still tingle when I touch him. Perhaps that's why I invited him, rather than trying to pick up some beautiful indie boy.

We went home after the concert ended and started to watch The Grudge with a couple of mates but I just wasn't in the moment. It was nice to be cuddled up on the couch, but the movie wasn't scaring me at all. Perhaps the first sign that I was a bit worn out- I couldn't suspend my mental chattering long enough to be afraid of the movie, like I usually can.

Got to bed, both of us torn- the possibility of sex was hanging in the air, mingling with our mutual tiredness, making everything a bit cloudy and confused. We half-heartedly started fooling around, even though I for one would have been content to just press myself naked against the length of him, and doze. He was kissing his way down my belly, with me watching him, but I wasn't responding how I should. It was almost mechanical, and he sensed it. He kissed my hipbone, and then looked up at me.

"Something just doesn't feel quite right tonight." I smiled inwardly, pleased that he'd seen it, pleased that he agreed.
"I was thinking exactly the same thing." I said something inane about how we shouldn't have sex just because we can, but wait until we want to. He nodded. Everything was lovely and relaxed, I wasn't stressed, and it took at least twenty minutes for the thought 'Maybe he just doesn't want to have sex with me?" to cross my mind, and I supressed it. So we slept.

I am also being crazy possessive about him, with no right to be so- some chicks (hot chicks!) he met at some function ran into us in the Valley last night, and literally begged him to go out drinking with them, while I stood and waited for him to finish chatting, I got all freaky and weird about it. Grrr! Also stalking chicks he knows on Myspace. Yes, I'm sad, my little adventures into creepy-stalker-girl-ness make me wonder if this thing is more trouble than it's worth. Or perhaps I just crave more from him than I'm currently getting.

I am honest to goodness not sure- I don't know if I would want to date him, if that was an option. I had considered discussing it with him last night but the topic never came up, and for the moment I am happy to let it rest. Go figure, letting thing happen as they will, maybe I have grown up a little bit lately?

So after all that musing, I've hit low again. I'm sure it will pass and it's only very mild, but you know it's never nice. I was reading a blog post over at pretty dumb things about how much she loves anal (I share this love) and it made me miss the ex a lot- despite all the problems, we had a lot of similar likes in bed, and there was the comfort of being always, always wanted, no matter what. Which I've never really had before. Got a bit frightened of never finding someone I love, even though I know that's ridiculous- and I didn't love the ex anyway. Unpleasant, but true.

As you may have seen in the last post, I am a little afraid that maybe I -can't- fall in love. Or perhaps, more specifically, that I can't fall in love with someone who is actually available to me. I have fallen in love, but that one, the one who got away, despite our brief 'interaction' was pretty much always un-available to me. Mope mope, angst, etc. *ahem*

g

Fuck! redux (Heehee fuckdux!)

2006-11-11T14:44:00.000+10:00

The mean reds continue... it's a hard thing to explain.

I was sitting in the movie, scared witless (The Grudge 2, go see it!) and suddenly I got a feeling (I get those sometimes) like I had suddenly stopped having a crush on AFL, and immediately started stressing about it. Even though, I know logically that even if this were true it doesn't really matter, it terrifies me because this is not the first time it's happened. Since that first freakout with the ex, it seems like I reach a point where some little switch inside my brain gets flicked, and I stop liking this person. No rhyme or reason, just WHOMPH and holy crap I've changed my mind.

The thought that this might happen every time absolutely terrifies me- I don't want to die alone half eaten by alsatians, just because I can't seem to maintain persistent crush/feelings for anybody. What's with that?

I know I get overly stressed about these relationship type things- while waiting for AFL to arrive at the pub last weekend, I got so stressed out I threw up. (I know, didn't tell ya that, did I?) I guess since I have already arranged to meet AFL tonight, I have extra time to get nervous, so the mean reds last a bit longer.

I am trying to chill out, just reading at home, but I am aware of it now and almost un-conciously looking every now and then to see if the fear is still there. It's a funny kind of fear- not like being surprised or anything like that- it's slow, and creeping, like thick oil in my blood. My heart beats a bit faster, a bit harder, struggling to clear it, but somehow it only makes it worse, spreads it deeper through me.

Despite all this whining, I am actually coping okay- no nervous breakdowns yet like with the ex, so woot. I am just grumpy that I feel it at all.

g

Songs That Are Worth Pausing When You Sneak Off to the Loo

2006-11-10T23:59:00.000+10:00

(Which takes like, two seconds anyway.)

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
Horropops - What's Under My Bed?
The Audreys - Banjo and Violin
The Audreys - A Little More
James Blunt - Out of My Mind
Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy
Amelie Poulain Soundtrack - Comptine D'un Autre Été: L'après Midi

In other news- The One That Got Away (dunno if I've mentioned him, ever?) offered me a free ticket to Sarah Blasko tommorrow. Gah! I am going to a different gig with a friend and AFL, and now I am all torn and confused! (Although, my libido, which is resting today, assures me that AFL is the better choice.) Anyway, I was second choice for the Sarah Blasko ticket- 'Do you want to go if this other person I invited doesn't?' That's crap.

The next month will be an awesome one for gigs- there's this one tommorrow, The Infadels next week, TZU the week after, and Dubdoubt and The Vasco Era. Woohoo live music.

I need to take some more pictures.

g

Fuck!

2006-11-10T13:03:00.000+10:00

I got the mean reds in the movie last night. Grr...now I can't seem to shake them outta my head. Screw you, world!

That is all I will explain for now, because I am scared talking about them will make them stick around.

g

PS, mean reds is not euphemism for feminine troubles... google it, if you don't know.

Dammit, now my pop culture reference seems disgusting. *cries*

Edited: Cause I'm nice, I put in a link for you.

I was feeling guilty about posting so much...

2006-11-09T14:39:00.000+10:00

But then I remembered that I am meant to be posting every day. So it's all sweet!

I survived the party...got a bit pissed off listening to my housemate bitch about how much he hates AFL every time I mention him, but he apologized this morning, which is a pretty big deal. Generally my housemate (also best mate) is one of those people who NEVER apologizes for anything, so yay!

Psychiatrist still slightly un-nerves me. We got to talking about sex (as you do) and it just freaked me out seeing him saying things like 'mutual masturbation' and 'cock'. Middle aged men shouldn't be saying these things in the same room as me, surely? (Hmm, I think my age is showing!)

I know, who knew I had hangups about sex?

I invited AFL to a gig this weekend, he sounds keen, so that's good.

I applied to withdraw from uni today. Hopefully with the supporting letter from my psychiatrist, this will mean the subjects I am about to fail won't appear on my academic record. Either way, I am not doing my exams, so I am officially finished for the semester! Woohoo!

I realize this is basically a post about what I had for breakfast, but I have no particular musings to express today. (Unusual, I know.)

I am going to see The Grudge 2 tonight, should be hot- the fantasticness of the original Grudge, plus schoolgirls! WHEE!

Am experiencing conflict about whether to go to Big Day Out... a few bands I like, and generally a fun experience- but can I afford it? I suppose I could just join the ticket ballot and see how I go. Hmm...

That's all for now,

g

Help!

2006-11-08T19:35:00.000+10:00

There's a dinner party at my house and all I want to do is run away into my room and read. Send help/vodka!

g

Thinkity think think...

2006-11-08T01:18:00.000+10:00

My housemate is freaking the shit out of me. He's had too much caffeine and has gone completely mental.

I am feeling a little shakey and on edge today (staying up til dawn reading probably has something to do with this) so forgive any possible incoherence.

(Some of this was written the day before yesterday, in case you hadn't already figured that out.)

Random Tidbits That I May or May Not Make Into Proper Posts:

1) There are a number of things that the CSP boy (lets name him...AFL) said and did while in the bedroom that I think should be sending up red flags, but possibly I am ignoring. Especially since, as I keep reminding myself, I am not planning to date him. Things like, he jokingly pretended to slip it in, after I had said no, using his thumb instead of his you know what. I wasn't all that impressed, seemed like a terrible joke. This makes him seem like a bit of an asshole. Am I being too uptight? There was other stuff, but I forget right this minute.

2) I think I might be getting a little bit of a crush on AFL. The need for reminders that I am not planning to date him, and the stalky myspace behaviour suggest this. Oh oh.

3) Despite all of this, in my typical mothy-flamey fashion, I am planning to text him tommorrow or perhaps Wednesday, to get laid. Cause, c'mon, it's still free sex with a hot boy. Even if he is an asshole, it doesn't matter, I'm not planning to date him anyway! When I first met him, the fact that I didn't really think that much of him was a bonus, cause it meant no problem with pesky things like falling in love etc. Hmm.

4) Umm, there is no four. Sorry dudes. Apart from, I am so screwed about uni, and for some reason I just don't care. I know that is horrific, but I think I have just blocked it out, and am pretending like none of it is happening. Frightening. I am thinking about un-enrolling, I've not been well for a bit of the semester, so hopefully that can be done.

5) Yep, that's definitely all I got for now. Breakfast time, kiddies.

g

Shakespeare I'm not...

2006-11-07T19:25:00.000+10:00

To booty call or not to booty call.

Now that's the fricking question.

g

Dear readers...

2006-11-06T22:30:00.000+10:00

It's been a whole two days since anybody commented. Was it the post about my nipples? Is anybody out there?

(I was going to do a meme to pass the time, but I got sidetracked by listening to 'Something's Under My Bed' by the Horrorpops for the hundredth time today.)

g

Update:

2006-11-06T13:30:00.000+10:00

You'll all be thrilled to know that the thing in my mouth has gone. Officially -not- a herpe.

g

Oh, also...

2006-11-05T22:54:00.000+10:00

I have a thing in my mouth. Some kind of weird oddly shaped lump. (I know, now you are all thinking I have herpes. But it's not a herpe, OKAY?!)

It's weird... but I chew on my lip sometimes while experiencing pleasures (tee hee!) perhaps it occurred sometime in the roughly 15 hours I spent in my bedroom on Saturday? Perhaps I was chewing in concentration during the 40 minute handy? (The fact that it took so long makes me suspect I was doing a bad job. Hehe, naw, not really. Screw it.)

There are other random tidbits about the sex stuff that I kind of want to post about, but for some reason I'm feeling a bit reticient. How strange.

g

PS. Also after posting this I totally realized that you might have thought I meant I had a rude thing in my mouth. But I didn't, I swear. And boy, didn't that drive the csp boy mental. *giggle*

This is the post about that boy...a bit late, but better late than never, right?

2006-11-05T22:37:00.000+10:00

I've been watching too much Harry Potter. I totally had the urge to say 'Mischief Managed' at the climax of a particularly vigorous episode in the bedroom. (Hey, 40 minutes of vigorous hand action and you'll go a bit silly too!)

I am absolutely tuckered out now. I had something mildly interesting to post about in relation to the whole thing with the csp, but it's slipped out of my head. Oh, wait...there it is...

*crows in un-ladylike fashion* I am the winningest winner evaaaaaah.

*ahem*

Patience is definitely a virtue, the satisfaction of him messaging me before I messaged him was -so- worth it. (Isn't that terribly juvenile of me?)

It's very interesting...because I am don't 'like like' him, I'm very relaxed and honest with him, which is kind of refreshing- I'm not scared to tease him a bit and give him a little bit of attitude when I feel like it, just for fun. It's good, perhaps I should carry this over into my regular relationships?

He's a total smartass, but I've been being the same and it's excellent fun. I'm surprised I didn't drive him mad today, to be honest- in bed all day, and we haven't actually had sex yet. (Yes, I'm a mean lady, but I love the anticipation.)

g

The strange dichotomy of chemistry...

2006-11-05T18:46:00.000+10:00

That right now, since I've had a few beers, I could either go for a nap... or text csp boy and get laid, and I am having trouble choosing!

g

No, I'm not at all worn out from my weekend...

2006-11-05T14:33:00.000+10:00

Picture with me, if you will, a kitchen. In that kitchen, is a girl (me) getting ready for breakfast- getting a bowl out, the cereal, the sugar, the milk, etc... putting all of this over at the breakfast bar so she can eat, getting a spoon, sitting down at the breakfast bar, picking up her spoon ready to eat, only to discover that her spoon, is in fact, a knife.
Doh.

g

Bound by hurt dissolved, I pray my hurt dissolves, I set you free, please go...

2006-11-05T01:55:00.000+10:00

So I know that last post was a little inane. I have a draft written explaining it all for you, but I just got back from the gig that the ex was also at, so forgive me if I am not all that keen on publishing a post crowing about how I got laid today, right this moment.

I had fun at the gig, thanks to those of you who advised me to go... it was scary seeing him again, but the bands - Wiseacre and The Casino Rumblers, Bad Moon Rising and The Resignators were awesome, and, holy of holies, I finally learned how to skank!

(Only about a hundred rockabilly/ska gigs too late, and just in time for me to not have a boyfriend to skank with anymore. Oh well. Better late than never I suppose.)

I had fun because the bands were so good, but it was hard to be there with him. At the same time it was kind of good. I was nervous as hell before he arrived, but once he did the conversation was actually okay. We are still really focused in on each other when we talk, in that way you are when you're in a couple, but don't notice until you cease being in that couple. It was difficult talking to him- we were talking closely, and there was a lot of subtext. Meaningful glances, searching each other's faces, all of that. You know how it is- you are both busy keeping a stiff upper lip and all that, but deep down all you want to say is 'I miss you. I wish things had worked.' *sigh*

Physically I was okay. Being so close to him was tough; when you get in the habit of touching someone, it becomes so much a part of your routine that its absence is blindingly obvious. Little moments where I think we both had to stop ourselves from doing the casual touching that was so much a part of who we were. He came back from getting a glass of water, and I could see in his whole body that he had to stop himself from reaching out to take my hand, or put his arm around me, like we would have when we were together. I had a little trouble too, mostly had my hands jammed in my pockets or twisted in my belt loops when we were standing close so I didn't crack. When he first arrived he was leaning on the table, and our forearms were about four inches apart- even from that distance my skin burned with wanting to be close to his.

Thankfully we are not complete bullshitters- neither of us tried to pretend that our lives had been awesome since we broke up. I am terrible at acting like everything's cool anyway. He mentioned that his last month had passed in a haze of (pot) smoke, which annoyed me, so I took the only jab I had at him all night, some vague implication that I have been getting back on the horse. So to speak. I regretted the implication pretty much instantly, he doesn't deserve to have me do that, considering he never did me any wrong, really.

We both probably drank a bit more than was wise, considering the circumstances, which is probably why he seemed pretty unhappy for the later part of the evening. I tried to cheer him up, even asked him to dance (yes, in hindsight that was really cruel, but I didn't mean it to be) because I wanted him to be happy, but it was too hard to get through. He was always near impossible to cheer up when sad, and I don't expect him to be all sweetness and light at the moment anyway.

There were burlesque girls also, which was pretty cute to watch, but incredibly uncomfortable to see with him. (However, nothing compared to how it'd be if we were still together, I get very jealous. At the last Wiseacre gig there were hula girls and I went absolutely mental about it, dissappeared in a huff cause he was looking at them. Yes, I'm stupid, I know.)

But yeah...it was hard, and it made me miss him, and we had a (okay, maybe two) nice long hug at the end, and I am having the irrational wanting him back right now. Gah. I am going to bed now, m'kay?

g

(PS, I have edited for the millionth time, because I have too much to say, and lack the words to say it. Including the title, choice song lyrics abound!)

Complaints that aren't really complaints...

2006-11-04T17:26:00.001+10:00

Sweet Jesus do my nipples hurt!

g

Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!

2006-11-03T14:31:00.000+10:00

I had another one night stand last night. Tee hee! We started out at the Normanby but it was dead, so went on to the Downunder Bar to pick up some hot tourists. (Oh yeah!) Obviously this was partially in aid of not cracking and chasing the boy. He must chase me, dammit!

We were dressed a bit emo, me in my new threadless tee, which was a hit with lots of people, and chucks and the like. Go the emo girls!

It was a fun night...I was mildly tipsy and filled with good-will for all men (men as in people, ok?!) being nice to people and flirting with hot bartenders and similar. There was a girl at our table who was quite cute, and quite obviously hung up on this loser boy who wasn't interested. I, in my drunken way, told her she could do so much better, and later in the night we ran into her with a much cuter boy. Excellent!

I was definitely in the mood for dancing- JustA and I were dancing like hussies, of course, and we had a few boys around tuning us, although for a while I was a bit disinterested. But then I actually looked at them, and sweet Jesus I changed my mind.

I seriously picked up the hottest boy alive. Well, maybe not the hottest, but pretty goddamned hot. I just tried to do a picture search on google to find pictures of boys similar, but there aren't any cause he was just TOO hot. Hehe...*ahem*.

Picture Orlando Bloom's bone structure, but with gorgeous olive skin, and intense eyes. And he's a builder, and goes to the gym a lot. *drooooooooool* And talking in a sexy English accent (even if it was an incomprehensible-at-times Leeds one). Mmmm oh yeah baby... so hot!

(Yes, this is gratuitous crowing. I would apologize, but I am not sorry. Also, given that I think I already failed at blogging every day this month, I am trying to make up for it and this is the best I can do.)

It was a good thing he was ridiculously good looking, because the sex was quite mechanical. You know mechanical sex, where there's not really the chemistry, the 'zing', you are just going through the motions?

So, in fact, despite being an attempt to stop thinking about sleeping with potential csp, it's made me want to more, because the chemistry with him was just soooooo damned good!

So, in sum,

1) Still want to sleep with csp boy.
2) So going back to Downunder Bar sometime!
3) Failed at blopowriwhatever, already.

g

The white flag...

2006-11-01T22:13:00.000+10:00

Okay Steph I agree- Myspace is totally the devil- I have had too much Myspace related angst in the last week. Gawd, dealing with text messages was enough, now I've got a whole 'nother medium of communication to deal with!

g

twitch

2006-11-01T19:54:00.000+10:00

I am not a patient girl. So, I texted the boy last night, when I was bored, saying so and asking what he was up to. Took him a couple of hours to reply, we had a brief text conversation, and blah di blah blah. I know that I should wait for him to text me next, as part of that whole, game thing, you know... but I hate the rules, and the game playing! I just want a boy to play with and exchange bored/possibly obscene texts with. *grin*

But yes, I know, it's new. And I don't want to scare him off just yet.

*evil grin*

g

NaBloPoMo

2006-11-01T12:42:00.000+10:00

So I have un-officially (until they let me in) joined in the effort of NaBloPoMo, so I am going to blog every single day for the whole of November. (Cause, y'know, I totally haven't been averaging more than that already lately...)

So, here's me promising to post every day. Enjoy!

Oh, also- would you believe that my pee samples weren't 'fresh' enough? I peed in TWO jars this morning, and consequently on myself, and I took too long to get to pathology. (I had to wait til 12 hours after I took my meds, but the pee samples had to be morning pee, and I took my meds at 1 am. You see my problem?) So I get to pee in jars AGAIN on Friday. AWESOME.

g

So I'm still up...

2006-11-01T00:51:00.000+10:00

....and, surprise surprise, blogging!

Hello world!

Things are good, I'm just bored and not tired. Give it twenty minutes for the meds to kick in and I will feel absolutely exhausted, but still be manic, so unable to sleep. (Yes, it's really as fantastic as it sounds.)

I am totally, completely, irretrievably in love with Damien Rice's new single, 9 Crimes... you guys should check it out- album releases on November 6 in the UK, not sure when here.

"Leave me out with the waste,
This is not what I do,
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you,
It's the wrong time
For somebody new,
It's a small crime,
And I've got no excuse...
And is that alright, yeah?"

Beautiful... there's more of course, but I won't bug you with my obsession with good lyrics. This song is more about the sound of the vocals and the melody anyway.

I get lots of medical tests tommorrow, yay! I'm getting a sexual health test (just to make sure everything's okay downstairs) and also a test for a UTI (urinary tract infection) and another test to make sure the medication I just started, Epilim, isn't trashing my liver. That means I get to pee into TWO tiny little cups. Awesome kiddies, I tells ya.

Anyway, I shall take myself off to bed now, the meds are starting to hit.

g

PS. The new boy messaged, yay! Girl's gonna get some!

A Question for Readers

2006-10-31T19:19:00.000+10:00

So there's a gig on this weekend- Wiseacre and The Casino Rumblers. I quite like them, and it's cheap, and the Casino Rumblers aren't here tooooo often.

However, the ex likes em too...I don't think he would mind if I was there but I'm a bit frightened of going, maybe seeing him will bring me down, etc etc.

So do I go?

Or do I be a good little vegemite given that exams start on saturday also?

Also, I don't want to go by myself, so do I take the new potential csp? (Presuming he wants to go, of course.)

He's a muso, so he might enjoy it, but on the other hand, we might end up making out, would it be tasteless to make out in front of the ex so soon (a month) after the breakup?

Where is Miss Manners when you need her?

g

Composition...

2006-10-31T10:39:00.000+10:00

So, after spending a good hour (on and off, obviously) laboriously and painstakingly composing a reply to the boy's text, I was wondering- do boys do this too? Or even just other people?

When people I am interested in (usually people who I actually like, but hey, I'm concerned about the future of my next root!) text me, it often takes me ages to craft a reply- worrying about whether it's 'perfect' etc, etc.

Does anyone else do this? Or am I a fruit loop?

g

The hormones have taken over!

2006-10-30T20:24:00.000+10:00

Just thinking about stuff from the weekend... maybe I'm being naive but the things he said were so the right things, so sexy, either he was sincere or he's reallllll practised. (Gee, I wonder!)

It's strange- at first I wasn't that keen, like I mentioned, but I could see him thinking on how to make a move, and it was fun to watch. We cuddled a lot first, but by that point I was absolutely -dying- for him to kiss me. He's a pretty good kisser- light, teasing. Actually, he is an excellent tease. And there's not much I adore more than a good tease.

Just little things, I tell ya...god the chemistry was great. My head keeps coming back to yesterday, in my bedroom... he pulled me over on top of him, noticed I wasn't enjoying being on top- the way he rolled me over instantly, pinned me under him with one knee. Fuck it was hot. We were kissing and rubbing against each other, pretty hard and intense, and I was panting and gasping as I do... he asked if it was going and further, and when I said it wasn't going to today, so we slowed down a little... when he rolled off he laughed and said 'That was almost too good.' I love it.

He told me he loved how I responded, and how soft my tongue was... hot little things that get my ego going as well as my hormones. He had a great ass... a lovely AFL body- all hard and wiry muscles, long and lean and not too bulky...gawwwwwd. I have been awash with hormones since, it's terrible but so GOOD at the same time.

*grin*

Ciao kids,

g

How does your garden grow?

2006-10-30T19:28:00.000+10:00

(No, not a post about pubic topiary.)

After all that stress (of course) I get a text this arvo, and all is well.

Naturally, instead of replying straight away (too cool for that, yo!) I waited a few hours, savouring the brief interlude of sanity, before I inevitably go back to freaking out about why he hasn't replied to my reply. Stupid brain!

g

Late night plague ridden musings, redux...

2006-10-30T14:19:00.000+10:00

I'm still thinking on the blog conflict I've had going on in my head- do I continue blogging here about everything, or start a separate blog that deals with my non-sex related life? I have a separate blog that I could use, so I guess it wouldn't be an issue, just means I would cut this one back to only sex related posts, and exploring my story ideas and pictures, etc etc... keep the other one for commenting on other non-sex blogs and the like. Does this seem sensible?

Obviously this is because I don't want to get a stalker from one blog, and have that bleed over into my everyday life. That could be awkward.

g

Mary Mary quite contrary redux...

2006-10-30T01:05:00.000+10:00

The Hallween party was fun.

I am experiencing bizzare mental contrary-ness at the moment. Met a boy at the party, who I would not want to date, but I had a bit of a thing with (the chemistry was good!) and now my brain is being all funny about it despite me not liking him 'that way' at all!

I am all stressin out cause he didn't add me to his myspace or anything. (I know, I am having myspace related angst. Somebody should shoot me.) Here's the short version:

Current Stresses About The Boy (Who I Don't Actually Even Like Anyway, But Would Like to Have a Casual 'Thing' With)

1) He was on myspace yesterday (the last login date told me so) and totally didn't friend me, even though he is friends with my friend and nooo *wail*...
2) I was planning not to friend him. Cause that would be chasing, and I am not a chaser, yo!
3) I cracked and did so anyway. Cause, I am, in fact, apparently a chaser.
4) So now, I am totally sitting here constantly refreshing my myspace in the hope that he has accepted my friend request etc etc, (cause myspace tells me he's online) and left a comment, despite, aforementioned NOT ACTUALLY LIKING HIM!
5) Continued madness- he left a comment on the myspace of this girl he mentioned, while he was online, but didn't friend me. Farking hell! I quit, shoot me!
GAWD, brain chemistry is stupid, yo!
*shoots self in head*

Now the long version:

He's a friend of a friend- as soon as he got there a few of the girls at the party took their turns picking him up. I thought about it, but with all the competition and all, I opted out- I hate to chase, especially if I'm not that keen.

Of course, given that he was one of the only single boys there (that I was even slightly keen on) after he passed over all the other girls I got curious (and competitive!) and decided to have a go. I had chatted to him a few times through the night, testing the waters, but he had not seemed all that receptive (or very interesting) and a few of the girls at the party had decided he was gay.

So I say to my mates 'Alright, this is his lastchance, if he doesn't respond now, I am SO going out to get laid elsewhere!' (I was kind of randy, ok?) Went out on the balcony to talk to him, he responded well enough, we chatted, he asked for my number, said he had to go to another party (he had promised to go back, he left it to come to ours and stayed longer than he said he would) so I was like 'Yep, alright.' So the party continues for an hour or so, I waltz about, he calls and asks if it's worth coming back. (cue me, affronted at such a stupid question) He returns, party slows down, him and I end up on the couch together, chatting with other people and the like.

*cue hours (more likely minutes) of wishing he would stop talking, and maybe just make out with me, cause you know those hormones are giving me trouble, and he's warm, male, and there, plus it's dark so I can't really see his face, and he's got a nice body okay?*

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we slept on the couch together (there was somebody in my bed) and ended up making out and the chemistry was excellent. This of course, did not prevent me from continuing to think that he was a bit of a twat, and possibly a manwhore to boot. (I hate them manwhores, eh.) Anyway, he hung around the next day with us til like five pm (even though I kinda wanted him to bugger off in the morning, except then we wouldn't have had hot makeouts on my bed later) and he said he'd msg me so I had his number, etc blah di blah di blah. (This is rapidly turning into the longest, ramblingest post ever.)

The intensity of this feeling, and the obsessive thinking type stuff is frightening- is it normally like this? Is it like this for normal people (ie. non bipolar people?)? I would be more accepting of it if I had you know, liked him as a person, but this is a bit ridiculous. I know my fondness for good chemistry has gotten me into trouble before (see Voldemort, the ex who shall not be named) but gawd. This whole bipolar thing is a little frightening- is this just mania? Or are these feelings 'normal'... whatever that means? Or is it just rebound...I hear you can get some pretty intense stuff for completely inappropriate rebound, what do you reckon guys?

Also, in case you were wondering, I don't want to date this boy...maybe just have some kind of nice 'arrangement' with him, y'know... casual sex buddies would be excellent!

g

PLUS! I just looked at pictures from my ex's halloween party, held sat night, and it was much huger than mine, and some friends of ours who didn't go to mine went to his, so now I am having massive party inferiority complex. GAH!

Mary Mary quite contrary...

2006-10-29T21:37:00.000+10:00

I am having the rather surreal experience of having a crush (obsessive thoughts, worrying about how he feels about me, etc) on someone that I don't actually like, as a person.

How odd.

Is that even possible?

g

'Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...'

2006-10-24T22:02:00.000+10:00

Today I've been thinking a lot. (I know, you guys are like, so totally shocked!) About all sorts of things, many of them not solid or cohesive enough to turn into their own blog post. At least, not just yet. Musings on my relationship and all that. You all know how fucked up you get after you break up with someone- in some ways I think it's worse being the dumper, because then there's always the tempting and torturous possibility of changing your mind.

As though changing my mind would fix something, as though just the act of breaking up could have somehow changed our relationship, changed all the problems- erased all those times when I spoke to him, needing something, and not getting it, whatever it was. I don't really understand it myself. Things just weren't there. It feels horrible- I've never had someone try so hard for me, give everything they had just to please me like that. For it still to not be enough makes me hurt so much.

I don't know if I could go back, go to him and say 'I'm sorry, I've changed my mind- can we go back to the way things were?' and hope that he would take me back. Mostly because while I want him back, I don't want to go back to the way things were- things were difficult, and I spent most of my time, especially when I wasn't with him, torturing myself for not feeling the way I wanted to- about our relationship, about him. And it was horrible. As much as he was the sweetest boy, and caring and giving...god, he gave so much to me, it just wasn't enough. I don't know why... all that time I spent trying to make myself love him. I know, it seems so stupid now- you can't make yourself love someone, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much they might deserve it. I guess you especially can't love someone just because they love you. How different would the world be if you could?

To think all this musing started from some boy's smile on TV. His smile reminded me of the boy somehow, in some way, and I started thinking about how my early relationships have shaped (and are shaping) the kind of boy I'm attracted to. That little smile he had...I don't know what it was about it, just something. Some feeling, some association I made- that little smile makes me think of the good things- when he was giving, and sweet and forgiving and a soft place to fall. I still want that quality in someone else, and I've pegged it to the visual of that little, slyly subtle mousey smile. Crazy, I know.

I've been trying to reclaim my music today, too- some songs that I sort of associated with the boy, listening to them and ignoring the pain, trying to make them -mine- again. They were mine once, and I want them back. Some really sweet powerful songs- like Matis Yahu's "King Without a Crown" and other sillier ones like Wiseacre's "Girl With a Hole In Her Pants"... actually probably neither of those songs were ever just mine, since I discovered them while I was with the boy. But I want them to be mine now. It's hard though, King Without a Crown, while it dragged me out of some (of the many) deep holes I'd gotten into, making me hopeful and optimistic, is still mostly associated with the times I listened to it with the boy- in front of the computer, turned up loud, my back pressed against his chest, his arms around my waist- swaying gently and singing along. Him in that silly whispery little voice of his.

Wiseacre's memories are a bit less silly, even though the songs aren't- it was the first gig we went to together (while we were together, anyway, we both went to The Herd separately before we were going out, and met up with mutual friends there) and even though I was expecting to have a miserable time (because I was miserable) it was fantastic- we danced and cuddled and it filled me with hope and optimism for us- the belief that yes, I could feel the way I wanted, if I really wanted.

I think one of the scariest things at the moment is the possibility that the only reason I didn't love him was because of my anxiety/depression, rather than him just being someone I couldn't love. I am really scared of that, because if it's true then it means I might never fall in love with someone I can actually have. It might sound ridiculous, but it seems very real to me- was it just 'not right' or did I just cut myself off from my feelings somehow, unconciously, because I was too scared?

At first, the first night we met, and our first date (non-official) things were fantastic, the feelings were all there and right and stuff- it wasn't til I had the freak out on that weekend that I stopped having feelings for him. At least I think so- but it's a chicken/egg question, really- did I stop having the feelings cause I freaked out, or did I freak out because I stopped having the feelings? I always felt like it was the second one, but shrinks and friends all reckon that maybe the anxiety and the depression started first, and made me not feel, I tried very hard to believe them- thinking that once I got done being depressed/anxious I would like/love him again.

I don't know. I know that getting to know someone better, and maybe deciding they aren't who you thought they were is just part of the process. But it all seemed so sudden- although I got a bit stressed out at him (while drunk) on the friday night before our date, about some Suicidegirls thing (I stressed that I wasn't 'alternative' enough for him) things were okay then, and then suddenly saturday WHAMMO while talking to him, I start feeling like I'm humouring him, and I don't want to be humouring him- I want to find him interesting and fascinating, especially on our second bloody date, so I freak out. He's really sweet about it. And seven (nearly eight) months later, here I am, trying to figure out the same problem that plagued me from the start. I don't want this relationship to be something that I will always not quite understand, you know? Was he just 'not right' for me? Was it just that I didn't like him? Or did I really feel for him, and somehow un-conciously drive those feelings away?

I'm so lost and scared right now, and rambling, so that's it.

g

The small things...

2006-10-23T20:28:00.000+10:00

Yay! I just ate an ice cream that I had forgotten about buying and stashed in the freezer.

Excellent!

g

stomps

2006-10-22T21:30:00.000+10:00

I am in the middle of sewing my costume for our Halloween party this weekend, and now the sewing machine just refuses to co-operate. It's something to do with the bobbin, looks fine on the top of the fabric, but underneath it's like threads on speed- lots and lots of thread where there should only be one holding the stitch in place.

AHHHHHHHH.

g

yawn

2006-10-22T00:23:00.000+10:00

I have officially become jaded- the second time in the last little while that I've been out and not really that interested in talking to people or dancing with them.

Went to the Normanby, which is the home of the beautiful people... they were there of course, and lovely to look at, but a couple of guys tried to chat us up (the first one was gorgeous!) but I just wasn't really that into it. How bizzarre!

LOL I guess it is kind of fair enough, though- still a little burned I guess, and I haven't been drinking lately either, so less social anyway.

Sleepytime now,

g

Exchanging goods...

2006-10-20T20:00:00.000+10:00

Well that wasn't so bad... it helped that he has gone and gotten a stupid hair cut & colour. I loved the emo hair he had before, one of my favourite things, so it was easier that it was gone. (That is really lame, isn't it? That his emo fringe was one of my favourite things.)

But yeah, it was okay. I had much more stuff at his place than I thought, including my playstation and half of my books. I was on (or over) the verge of tears the whole time, but he knows me so I don't imagine he was surprised. We chatted a bit, mostly about my uni work and him getting carried home from a party on the weekend. (When sad, I procrastinate, he drinks!)

It was okay. We hugged when he came in, and had a long sad kinda hug when he left, it was good.

I didn't feel one way or the other about my decision though, oh well. Still sad now, I cease rambling here.

g

The boy is coming round to get his stuff in the next hour or so...

2006-10-20T18:43:00.001+10:00

I am sitting here terrified out of my mind.

Wish me luck.

g

100th post!

2006-10-20T11:10:00.000+10:00

So I was going to whinge about something or other, then I realized this is the hundredth post. Such an important milestone is not to be wasted on whinging, ok??!

Instead I will talk about impending awesomeness in my life, in the spirit of positivity. (And then, after I post this, the 101th post will be whinging. Hah!)

So I am having a Halloween party soon, and, in a most heterodox fashion, I am having it on the 27th of October. (I know I am SO cutting edge!)

This party will be mucho fun, and I will get sloshed, dance, but not fall down, get sloshed some more, and not be at all sad about anything, okay? Unless I want to.

I am also going to New Zealand in February for a while, which will be tres awesome! Yay booking flights ages ago so it seems like they were free by the time I actually fly!

I am about to watch Dr. Phil help The Osbournes. How fantastic is that? Dr. Phil is becoming trashier- not like Oprah who started out trashy and is now ever-loving-earth-woman.

In other news, I SOLVED THE PUZZLE! .... I know I didn't actually mention the puzzle here yet, but I have this little metal puzzle called the Jackaroo's Stirrup, that has been driving me absolutely mad. I had concluded that it couldn't be done, but then my housemate did it, so I had to try.

The trick is to get absolutely PISSED and then try. Bwahaha!

And, the one that got away couldn't do it. So now I get to feel smarter than him, whee!

Okay, well I'm going to eat breakfast now before Dr. Phil.

Ciao kiddies,

g

PS. Kitteh was pinched from Cute Overload.

Things not to do, redux...

2006-10-20T01:05:00.000+10:00

Do not, under any circumstances...start happily getting pissed with your mates, then invite your mate, and his friend round, who also happens to be the 'one who got away' for you, round to your house. FUCK.

g.

Well it's over now, and they're gone, so I'll just return to feeling like sccccccccuuuuuud.

Note to Self, Number 447:

2006-10-17T23:55:00.000+10:00

Whatever you do, don't look at pictures of your ex from when you first started going out and he was all cut and hot...

*slaps forehead*

g

Yoyoing....(break up, redux part infinity)

2006-10-16T12:13:00.000+10:00

Today I am convinced that breaking up was a mistake. I miss him terribly and just want to get back together.

*sigh*

Make up your mind already, brain.

Ciao,

g

Breakup, redux, part deux

2006-10-15T23:08:00.000+10:00

Sorry to blabber on but I kind of want to write this down, just to get it out, and to remember.

I've been extra sad today...been having sad moments all week but nothing too scary, today was extra scary. It's been an eventful and exhausting week I guess so it's not really surprising that I'm feeling rather burnt out.

I have so much uni work to do (five assignments of more than 1500 words each due in the next week) and I haven't done any of it. I think I am going to have to ask for extensions just to get it done.

Luckily I seem to have whooping cough, so at least I can get a medical certificate. (As if having whooping cough is something lucky.)

In the non sad news it's still been an eventful week- I had my very first one night stand on Wednesday night. Very out of character for me, but I was drowing my sorrows and I wanted to. That's okay, isn't it?

I feel a bit horrible, but it's not like I've moved on. I was just...distracting myself for a while.

Went out to the Walley on Friday night but I was feeling pretty sick and my heart just wasn't in it- I didn't even want to talk to cute boys or dance with them. Still had fun, just got annoyed with all the boys talking to me and trying to dance with me (HORRIBLE, I know!).

Back to the moping...I just miss him a lot right now, still. I want to msg and find out how he is, make sure he's okay (possibly selfishly to make myself feel better). I am also paranoid that our mutual friends might hate me now, one has been kinda distant. I ran into two of his other friends while out on Friday, and they hesitated to hug me. I said 'You must hate me now,' and he assured me they didn't, but you know how it is.

Yes, I am rambling. Sorry, to bed with a cup of tea for me!

g

Break up, Redux

2006-10-09T20:26:00.001+10:00

Sometimes I miss him so terribly, it seems like breaking up with him was the stupidest thing I ever did. But not always, thankfully.

g

The day after the night before...

2006-10-09T09:49:00.000+10:00

You'll have to forgive me while I wallow in unseemly misery, it's kinda what happens. You're lucky I didn't post late last night before I went to sleep- all I could think about was how much I miss him.

God, what's with that? Even though you didn't like someone as much as you wanted to when you were together, you still think you're going to die from missing them when you break up? Brain chemistry is weird, yo.

So it sucks and it's weird and it hurts. I know I will live of course. I guess I'm kind of keeping a record for posterity.

Somebody buzzed at the door this morning, and I was terrified that it was him. It wasn't though. Still anxious now though, bloody flight or fight response.

Ciao kiddies,

g

That's just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated.

2006-10-09T01:11:00.000+10:00

So it's over with the boy. I guess you probably saw it coming. I'm sure everyone else did. I think it's probably the right choice but it never feels good, does it.

g

Clocking up the zzs....

2006-10-06T11:28:00.000+10:00

Is it odd to want a nap at eleven thirty in the morning?

g

I have...a feeling...

2006-10-06T11:18:00.000+10:00

I don't know what kind of feeling. I'm trying not to stress myself out by making the habitual assumption that this weird & uncomfortable feeling means I want to break up, but it's hard.

Okay? So, I have, a feeling. That's all.

g

Boys = troublemakers!

2006-10-04T12:21:00.000+10:00

So I get a drunken (I think) email from an ex this morning, about how much he misses me. I wouldn't go there again, I just wasn't attracted to him in real life (met him online) but it still makes me feel like a big meanie.

g

My libido is looking up too...

2006-10-03T00:59:00.000+10:00

Perhaps staring intently, doing that bum wiggling thing your cat does just before it tries to catch wildly inappropriate prey.

After blogging (and some porn and all that that entails) last night, I went to bed, thinking of sleep, still coughing. I cuddled up to the boy and he moaned in his sleep, his skin was hot and silky and I wanted him.

After a moment's hesitation, (well, actually more than a moment, I had been thinking about going in and fucking him senseless while porning several minutes earlier) I thought 'Fuck it- what boy is going to complain about being woken up in the middle of the night for sex?'

I touched him, my skin tingled, and we fucked. Hello libido!

g

Late night plague ridden musings...

2006-10-02T02:30:00.000+10:00

No, I don't really have the plague, just the cold from hell- I just took some cough syrup and it has done approximately nothing. AWESOME.

Anyway, I've been thinking about getting back into blogging again. (Yes, I know, I always say that.) Considering the direction I want this blog to go...sexblogging is fun, but with the brain chemicals being out of whack, my sexdrive can be quite slack at times. It's also tricky because I enjoy the sense of community I have from reading blogs of non-sex-bloggers like Steph and commenting back and forth, but I feel like maybe it's somehow inappropriate to blog too graphically about sex or post pictures when I'm linking to blogs like that.

A blog identity crisis, how odd.

I know I could just sex blog separately, but I still like to talk about my life a bit in my sex blog, and it seems unlikely that I will happily re-type stuff for two blogs. Can't copy + paste, I am vaguely paranoid that that would make outing sex blogger me more likely. Not that anyone would really want to out me, as bizarre as it is, nobody I know would be too shocked by reading this blog. Even by my angst ridden musings about the boy- I know the meaning of being painfully honest.

I don't want to blog just sex- there is more to my identity than that, and at times when my sex life is a bit thin on the ground (thanks, libido, thanks a lot) my blog wouldn't be all that interesting, now would it? Maybe I could put the raunchy posts behind a cut or something, would that help?

Well, I'm about to have another go at sleeping (I came out here rather than keeping the boy awake with my coughing) so ciao all.

-g-

Things are looking up, no joke....

2006-10-02T02:10:00.000+10:00

Despite my psychiatrist tentatively diagnosing me as bipolar (pending further investigation) things are looking up. I am off meds at the moment, and weirdly I am good.

I know, who would have thought? I still get down every now and then, but it seems to me that I got more down when I was on Edronax, and the happy I have now is happier than when I was on Edronax. Maybe it's mania, or whatever, but I don't mind, it's pretty good.

Things with the boy are good, I am much less stressed about our relationship. We interact well, I feel kinda mushy sometimes. I am hopeful.

*smile* Of course writing that makes me scared I'll jinx it. Silly, huh?

Ciao for now,

g

Fuck positive posts...this is random hangup # 436...

2006-09-04T20:19:00.000+10:00

For some reason, I don't like to get text messages from The Boy. I don't really know why... I don't know if he msgs me too much, or if I just have some weird thing about text messages from boyfriends now... I still like spending time with him and seeing him, it's just text messages I don't want. What does that mean? It's weird.

g

Sort of a happy post, so I guess number 5?

2006-08-17T12:14:00.000+10:00

I've been researching about the effects of anti-depressants on falling in love. (Yes, I know, I should just stop thinking about it, but it's important to me so fuck you. *ahem*)

Studies have suggested that anti-depressants can interfere with falling in love, what with acting on the same brain chemicals and all. (There was an article in National Geographic about it, if you're curious research Helen Fisher on google or similar.) This is particularly relevant to me, because I want to be crazy in love with the boy, like most people get to be at the beginning of a relationship, but I just am not. And often I feel like not that the feelings aren't there, but that they are, but are being stifled. Weird, I know. More on this later, Dr. Phil time!

g

Happy post number 4....

2006-08-02T00:00:00.000+10:00

So, pressed to write only happy posts, I don't post at all. I see.

*grins*

Things are still humming along... the boy is still sweet, my libido's a bit low lately but he's been understanding of it all. I am going to Sydney to see Placebo, yay!

Changing meds this Friday, mirtazon was making me fat and cranky, muchos sucky.

All for now, ta ta.

g

Happy post number 3?

2006-07-22T00:12:00.000+10:00

The boy doesn't mind that I don't feel as strongly as he does...is that a good thing, or not?

g

Happy post number 2...

2006-07-21T14:15:00.000+10:00

...because I was wailing about my second last relationship to a friend whilst writing a cathartic-not-to-be-sent letter to the other half in that last relationship, and my friend asked me to think about all the things I wouldn't have if I hadn't had that relationship. So here goes...

Good things that came of my relationship with D:

I have some awesome lovely friends (one of whom was the one I was whinging to) that I met through that relationship, and I'm so glad to have them around, they are really cool guys.

I met the current boy who is friends with those friends.

I wouldn't have the nice box I keep my naughty toys in. (Clutching at straws already, oh dear.)

Dad probably wouldn't have flown me down to Sydney that time where I got to see my grandparents and dad and everyone, which was really nice.

Okay, so that's all I can come up with right now. But I'll think on it.

g

So I've been mildly inspired...

2006-07-20T13:36:00.000+10:00

By Hiromi who was inspired by Communicatrix to do 21 happy posts in a row, in the spirit of cheering the hell up. Ready, ok! (Bring It On moment, eek!)

So I'm actually finding this a little hard, even though there is heaps to be happy about.

I live, in completely the awesomest apartment ever. I'm not kidding, this is no shitty student digs. I have the good fortune to be best friends with the guy who's parents own this place, and they went to America, so here we are living here. Sometimes I just wanna go OMG squeak! at where I live, seriously. Oh, and it's only about ten minutes (walk) from the CBD. Too awesome, I know!

The incredibly precocious autistic girl at work. I think it's adorable and hysterical, her being such a Little Miss and so independent- I was a precocious little shit too, so I totally dig it. You go kid!

My tax return is coming soon. 700 bucks ish incoming, if that's not something to be happy about, then I bloody don't know what is!

My dearest dad is going to buy me a laptop for my 21st, isn't he adorable? It's his birthday soon too, I ought to make a card at least, hey?

I am turning 21 soon! OMG, I know. Legally an adult in America! I of course, plan to have an incredibly awesome party in my incredibly awesome apartment- I'm having my birthday the same day as Rivefire (big fireworks thingy here) and we will have a view of the fireworks, so there will be multi million dollar fireworks for my birthday. Rawks!

Okay, well I have procrastinated for nearly two hours now, so I'm buggering off.

There, now doesn't my life seem much less miserable to you all?

g

More thinking...

2006-07-10T11:39:00.000+10:00

Once again weird things set me off...someone's MSN nickname saying how they love someone sends me into a panic. Weird!

g

Thinking thinking...

2006-07-09T21:14:00.000+10:00

The strangest things set me off. My housemate was discussing some people he knows, and he said 'they get on really well' and it immediately set me off, all anxious and funny about the boy, as though we -don't- get on really well. *le sigh* My brain is infuriating sometimes.

g

So...

2006-07-03T20:43:00.000+10:00

So things are thing-like. Had a week of absolute bliss where I felt all lovey dovey and really comfortable and OK with my relationship, and really thought I'd come out of this whole depression hole thing, but fell back in on Sunday, not really sure why- sick, tired and hungover a grumpy g makes? Who knows. Saw a relationship counsellor today, not much help, said to stick to my shrink and stick it out. Blah, why can't I just be crazy in love like a normal person?

g

Whee birthday bounty begins!

2006-06-29T23:49:00.000+10:00

So my first birthday score is a gorgeous pair of boots from my mommie, yay pointy black evil boots!

Pictures will be forthcoming.

g

sigh

2006-06-24T14:28:00.000+10:00

I'm gettin real tired of this cycle of misery. When is enough enough?

g

Bork bork bork bork!

2006-06-22T17:52:00.000+10:00

The Swedish people that live in my apartment building are having some kind of Swedish convention downstairs. Naturally being the culturally insensitive shit that I am, I immediately made some quip about putting a chef's hat on and saying 'bork bork bork bork!'

In other news, I got some guppies, but there were kittens at the pet shop and it made me sad not to be able to have a kitten. I want kitties!

*sigh* I'm so full of irrational thoughts sometimes- even though I have the boy, I ran into a cute boy at the pet-shop, and even though we didn't talk or anything, I suddenly started thinking about maybe I'm missing out on 'the one' (whatever that means) by being with the boy, is that wrong to think that way? Does everybody think like that, or am I particularly fucked up?

*sigh*

g

Cocktail, anyone?

2006-06-20T13:36:00.000+10:00

I sometimes get a bit self-pitying and think that the world of anti-depressants is a bit bizarre and unfair- I mean, all medications have their side effects, but it does seem like sometimes they're not worth the trouble, you know? I mean, I am on Avanza/Remeron right now, and the side effects that bother me are the irritability, the constant hunger and the weight gain. That's really it. The occasional mania, the easily startled-ness, the sleepiness, the rapid heartbeat, the flu-like symptoms, that I can handle, so why isn't there a medication that only has side effects that I can handle, I mean, come on!

Here is a list of side effects I can live with:

-dizziness
-sedation
-sleepiness
-easily startled-ness
-tingly fingers/toes
-elevated heartbeat
-low blood pressure
-flu-like symptoms
-nausea
-occasional mania

Here are some I do not want to live with:

-reduced sex drive (that's the biggie, huh?)
-irritability, or any other negative mood changes
-constant hunger/cravings
-weight gain
-massively increased anxiety/depression (well, come on, that just seems counterproductive, doesn't it?)

It just seems to me that there should be a medication that fits me perfectly!

*grins* You can tell I'm an only child, huh?

g

Insight?

2006-06-20T12:20:00.000+10:00

To give you an idea of the bizarre mental world I live in, here is a case in point:

Sometimes, when the boy smses me, I don't feel like replying and then start beating myself up for that, because I feel like I should want to reply. This results in me wishing he smsed less.

Now he has started smsing less, I am getting all insecure and uncomfortable, and getting annoyed about that too.

Bah! *throws hands up in disgust*

g

Dress me up, take your time, I'm your dolly....

2006-06-19T22:20:00.000+10:00

So I've been thinking about playing around with costumes for a bit, cause it'd be a fun opportunity to make some costumes and please the boy. He really likes the whole french maid, naughty nurse, Japanese schoolgirl thing. (Mainstream, I know...I think it might be the only mainstream thing about him!)

I've been planning a costume for each, and bizzarely I'm kind of hoping that some parts of each will not just be for costume play, but be able to be worn in everday life. (Come on, I'm a poor student, I need to re-use!) In a way I thought that would also be kind of fun and kinky- once the boy has seen me dressed up as say, a french maid, to see part of that outfit out in the real world will remind him of that, and be a little bit fun, don't you think?

I'll be able to make most of the parts, cause I'm clever that way, except for the obvious shoes and stuff- I'm not that clever.

If you're lucky I'll post some piccies... got a lovely pic of my poor bruised behind around here somewhere, thanks to the last session we had on the weekend... he was majorly disciplinarian on me, it was delicious....*grins*

Bonjour for now,

gigi *wink*

TMI Alert!

2006-06-17T15:57:00.000+10:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh massive pussy malfunction!

I have cystitis AND a yeast infection. This makes sitting through studying and exams FABULOUS fun.

*grumps*

In other news, I have been painting lately, and I want to do swing dancing.

And make clothes....

And write....

Anything other than studying, eh?

g

Procrastination update...

2006-06-12T22:21:00.000+10:00

So I guess I should tell you all what's been going on to take me away from blogness, or at least, tell you in more detail since I've already said.

Hard to say really... I need to think about it a bit though so I'm going to try and come up with something before Scrubs comes on teev.

The whole relationship thing, I'm not so good at, I guess... met a boy, liked him, wanted more, had a week of pure bliss, then got anxious about it while I was tired and hung over, and I've been on this emotional roller coaster ever since. First it was just anxiety, but as usually happens, after a while I got terribly depressed too, and here we are.

It will sound terribly melodramatic to say, but I feel like no one has ever had anxiety about this particular thing...I guess just because I don't know anyone who has, so it seems a little like I'm a freak.

See, unlike most people, I'm not worried that he really likes me, or that he's cheating on me or some shit like that, I'm worried that I don't like -him-.

A few posts back I mentioned 'the feeling' you know, the buzz the zing, the butterflies...and I had those with him initially but the anxiety totally killed that, and now we've been together for four months so it's a bit past the butterflies stage, so yeah.

I know it seems so stupid to not be sure if I 'like him' cause, y'know, you either do, or you don't... but for me it's a bit more like 'yeah, you feel like you don't like him, but is that because you actually -don't- or because your anxiety/depression means you have trouble feeling a whole helluva lot?' It's pretty tough, I get a lot of guilt sometimes when I'm feeling not sure. It's pretty dumb, I've been pretty irritable the last few days, I dunno if it's my medication or just stress from exams and stuff, but everytime I get irritated with him I absolutely panic and start thinking about breaking up. He's a terribly sweet boy, and attractive and kinky and caring etc, but when I get depressed/anxious that all goes out the window in favour of 'sometimes we don't talk as much as I'd like, sometimes he's a bit of a grump, sometimes he gets easily stressed' and these things seem so huge and insurmountable, and I crave the (relative) simplicity of my single life, even though I was lonely and even the initial stages of dating for me are usually a bit hellish cause of my anxiety.

He's so understanding of my anxiety and tolerant of my moods as well, I can barely comprehend it sometimes- I'm so busy being intolerant of his every little flaw and all he is is open and understanding and giving and working so hard to cheer me up most of the time, it just kills me. Why do I have to be such a grumpy shit?

I know it's very likely my medication- I'm on Avanza (Remeron) and from when I first started taking it I noticed a bit of irritation, and now it seems to be getting worse. I guess it's a bit of russian roulette with medications- I was on Prozac, and that was a bitch for the first week especially, and afterwards I just felt kind of weak, and the no-sex drive thing really drove me up the wall (or not, as you prefer) I don't want to be on a medication that destroys my sex drive, goddammit. This one's side effects, aside from the irritability, are okay- I have increased appetite which is bad, cause I'm a tad more pudgy than I was before I started, and I'm sleepy a lot, but that's okay, means I get loads of sleep doesn't it!

But yeah... I'm calling my Dr. tommorrow to ask about the irritability, it's a bit unpleasant being a grumpy shit really, I am really starting to consider going no meds now that I've tried two that don't really work- I am not sacrificing my sex drive again, that was shite. But yeah, we'll see how I go...probably going no meds just seems like a good idea because I'm buoyed up by the medication. woot!

g

Your wayward blogger returns....

2006-06-05T23:22:00.000+10:00

Howdy everyone... or someone, if there's anybody reading this.

I know I've been gone a while kids, things have been a bit tough for me lately. They might still be but I'm feeling good today, so that's a start, isn't it?

A lot's changed in my life since I lasted posted- I've got a steady boyfriend now, swanky new digs in the city here, I crashed my car so my car-stereo ambitions have been put on hold...all in a day's work for your g.

Right this minute I'm engaged in chocolate fuelled study/procrastination for exams coming up, so I'll probably still post sporadically, but it's better than not at all, no?

And yes, having a steady boyfriend means deliciously regular sex...and he's kinky like me, and dominant, so I adorrrreeeee it.... I managed to go to work today with a bit of you know what in my eyelashes...tee hee...

So just a quick hello for now, to see if there's anyone still out there!

g

Whinge # 432:

2006-04-10T12:59:00.000+10:00

Book reviews are hard, yo!

g

g does relationships...

2006-03-24T10:54:00.000+10:00

Learning not to completely over-react to things that the boy does that annoy me = very difficult given anxiety and depression and stuff happening right now.

Woe, compromise is hard!

g

In other news....

2006-03-21T22:03:00.000+10:00

St John's Wort is truly the most awful tasting substance in the history of the universe. I've decided it cures depression by being so generally disgusting that you make yourself cured rather than having to drink it anymore. Gawd!

*bleches*

g

So you don't all get bored to death!

2006-03-21T21:43:00.000+10:00

Here's a fun sex meme I pinched from steph.

1- How old were you when you lost your virginity? Who was it to? Describe the event.
I was 17, it was with my first real boyfriend, on his 18th, as a substantial part of his present. After I'd just found out he'd been telling fibs about how he quit smoking. Gee, I'm a generous soul.

2- What is the strangest place you've had sex?
Hehe, the labs at uni. Whee!

3- Who would you consider "switching teams" for?
Angelina Jolie. Though sort of I play for both teams already. Mmm, girls!

4-Do you prefer to give or receive?
LOL I'll admit it, I'm a lazy shit. How about I just lie here and you have your way with me?

5- One night stands- What's the protocol? Stay the night or get the hell outta there?
I've never really had one, except my threesome, and we stayed the night then. But probably I'd try to get out, I'd probably find it awkward.

6-Favourite body part/parts of the opposite sex?
Tummy and arms, and I've recently developed a new appreciation for the male butt.

7-quickie or long and slow?
Have to admit I always seem to have marathon sex. Well, maybe not marathon, but certainly not a quickie. So yeah, not really experienced with the quickies!

8-Noisy or quiet?
Noisy. I LOVE noisy sex. I enjoy it more when I'm making lots of noise!

9- Ideal amount of sex per week?
Probably twice a day if possible... and that's sex sessions, not orgasms... LOL

10-What's your number one sexual turn off?
Have to agree with Steph here, I can't stand bad breath. Just generally smelling bad is a total downer- you could be the most attractive boy in the world, but if you don't smell nice, I'm not interested. I am fixated on how nice my current boy smells.

11-Number one arousal trigger?
Getting manhandled, or being bitten on my neck.

12-What constitutes bad sex?
The kind that has emotional chaos and recriminations after.

13- Celebrity you would love to shag right now?
Tom Williams after watching the Dancing With the Stars special tonight. Mmm mm!

14- Define sexy?
Yep, agreeing with Steph again- confidence is the go. Cheeky smile, sparkly eyes, good wit. Naughty wit especially.

15- Remember the best sex you ever had. What made it special?
LOL Mine didn't involve love at all... was with Phd, first time we played at my house with all my toys. It was just so long, and langurous and torturously slow, I became this creature of reflex and lust, it was great!

That's all. In other news, don't worry about me kiddies, things are looking up. I hope to return to your regular programming asap.

g

Sorry guys...

2006-03-17T09:16:00.000+10:00

This blog is tres boring at the moment I know, but I'm going through some very rough stuff right now, and I am not sure if blogging about it would help me or not. I mean how do you decide if you like someone when at the same time you're pathologically afraid of seeing them just because your anxiety levels skyrocket afterwards?

It kinda sucks. But I'll be back sometime, doubtless. I'll get through this, simply because the alternative is kind of dull.

g

I believe in a better way...

2006-03-12T12:57:00.000+10:00

I rear ended a taxi with my car last night. It's a little bit fucked. So Right nw I'm just incredibly exhausted and stressed and tired of fighting with myself, so forgive me for being all angsty and demanding to know why everything has to be so fucking hard!?!

g

Right, that's it...

2006-03-08T11:45:00.000+10:00

This sitting around is intolerable. I'm going out for a touch of retail therapy. (Before the real kind.)

Woot!

g

Sorry about the lack of posts...

2006-03-08T11:36:00.000+10:00

But your g is, once again, having a bit of a battle with anxiety.

Doing okay right now, the moments of calm are thicker and closer together, but it's still a little rough.

It's because of a boy of course. Well, not so much because of the boy, but my reaction to a boy. It's so frustrating really really liking someone, having butterflies, that feeling that I was talking about a while ago, only to have an anxiety attack about it and then just feel numb about him, and not know whether I've really stopped liking him, or whether it's all just buried under the fear.

It's tough, it makes me not want to see him, because thinking about him makes me anxious. I could ramble about this for hours today but I'm trying to stay calm before my trip to the shrink tonight. Wish me luck. (Hell, wish me some kind of mind altering experience so this shit just stops and I can go on to more butterflies and romantic kisses in the rain and so on and so forth.)

g

Oh my god OW....

2006-03-06T10:47:00.000+10:00

I was just sitting on the grass at uni, making some phonecalls, and OH MY GOD I got ants in my pants and they were biting my butt and I had to struggle really hard to resist the urge to de-pants myself right there and scream in fury at them, instead I sprinted to the nearest bathroom and dislodged two nasty little ants from my underwear. My butt is BURNING now....

g

Tee hee....

2006-03-02T23:06:00.000+10:00

Kissing in the rain is SOOOO romantic.

*le sigh*

Yes, I am a shameful tease.

*grins*

g

Ooo err...

2006-03-01T12:26:00.000+10:00

I've been hearing on the radio all morning about the restaurants that had self-serve salads contaminated with rat poison, but ABC Classical weren't saying who it was. Ninemsn have no such qualms, however, and oooerr it was Sizzler! I knew there was a reason I didn't eat there!

g

We interrupt your regular programming for a public service announcement...

2006-02-28T22:03:00.000+10:00

As an expert on all the fun toys, I must reccommend that you all visit ooshka.com, my favourite online luuuuurve related window shopping destination. Sadly they're closing down, but that means bargains for us, I got nearly a hundred dollars worth of stuff for 38 bucks!

g

(Yes, there will be a post about my weekend eventually. Just gotta be not tired to do it.)

Just a quickie...

2006-02-27T11:23:00.000+10:00

Cause I'm at Uni at the moment, waiting for my next lecture to start. Probably the first of many, many blog posts from uni when I'm meant to be doing something else. *grin*

Had a fairly eventful weekend, which I'll tell you about later, not sure when though- you know how sometimes when something is 'in the works' you don't want to talk about it because you might jinx it? It's like that. (Yes, I'm funny like that too.)

Anywho, off to the bakery to try my luck at getting a nice sandwich.

g

Stirring the pot....

2006-02-23T18:04:00.000+10:00

Ahh, I am sooooooo toey right now. Can't think proper thoughts except for sex ones.

Probably not helping that I am musing over an as yet un-written blog post about how the physiques of my first few relationships shaped what physiques I am most attracted to now... mm, physiques, must go stare at picture of Lex now.

g

I am so addicted to the internet...

2006-02-23T14:24:00.000+10:00

I don't want to be online, but look, here I am! Stubborn against myself, is that even possible?

Just thought I should share with you guys one of my favourite addictions, one which I am not quite so conflicted about as the internet. It's a webcomic, so if it's not your thing, feel free not to click... however, I can't go past any webcomic that comes up with lines like 'Steaming human entrails are murder!'

You'll probably have to churn through the archives to catch up with the story, but it's a fantastic way to waste time!

So now I'm kicking myself offline to do something productive like paint, or laze on my ass on the bed and read, or stare into space thinking saucy thoughts.

Ciao,

g

Feeling kinda wistful and sad...

2006-02-22T14:57:00.000+10:00

...after reading this post over at Chickybabe's blog... I remember interactions like that, and I miss them, I haven't had one in while...*sigh*

Whoa, was that angst? In my blog?!!? Wow, man, my indie cred just skyrocketed.

In other news... stopping by for the O-week festivities at my uni made me feel so OLD, and I'm only twenty. I can't start feeling old yet, can I?

This girl talked to me (first years are so much friendlier than us jaded whores of fourth years) and when I said I was in fourth year she was like 'WOW!' as if I was some kind of alien species. Not deliberately of course, sweet girl, but jeez.

Am I allowed to look at boys in first year? In high school they were still KIDS when I thought I was all grown up! The worst thing is some of them look young enough that I don't -want- to look at them. I didn't think there was anything worse than perving on first years, but there is- and it's not having the desire to perve on them. *gasp*

Didn't really enjoy the crowds, stopped by once (okay, maybe three times) in the hope of chatting to Phd at his society's stall, but no dice... picked up my union diary and one for the bestie, and then buggered off.

I also got a nasty letter from Centrestink today, demanding I explain why my academic circumstances don't fit into their tight little boxes. (Ooh, sounds rude!) Please don't stop paying me Centrestink, I only just started getting money from you guys and I neeeeeeeed it!

g

I am so judgemental...

2006-02-22T14:18:00.000+10:00

Do you ever have one of those moments where an acquaintance of yours is telling you about how much sex they're having, and you think they're lying because, well, you don't find them attractive so surely nobody else would want to have sex with them?

Or am I just bitter and twisted cause I'm sexless?

(Yep folks, that's right, I had sex on Sunday and already I'm complaining about being sexless. I will truly blog about anything.)

g

g:1 modern technology: 0

2006-02-22T12:15:00.000+10:00

Up to the minute thoughts straight out of g's brain:

"I can't answer the phone, my cornflakes would go soggy!"

g

An Open Letter to the Boys I Have Dated/Will Date,

2006-02-21T23:14:00.000+10:00

To Whom It May Concern,

Three things that will not make me change my mind about rejecting/dumping you:

1) Acting like an obnoxious ass afterwards, just because you can. This only serves to convince me that I did, in fact, make the right decision in the first place.

2) Crying/telling me in lurid detail how miserable you are. I am not a heartless bitch, I didn't decide to reject you out of hand. That said, I am not your mother either, so throwing a tantrum isn't going to make me change my mind.

3) Begging. This should be self-explanatory, especially coming from me.

4) Parading your latest conquests to me, in the form of copy + pasting conversations, sending me photos, talking un-subtly about your 'hot date/dates'. I am not a child. This will not make me suddenly overwhelmingly jealous/envious and want you back. Great, you've moved on, have a gold star!

5) Actually, anything. I don't change my mind. The decision was hard enough in the first place without me going and bloody changing it. SO STOP TRYING!

g

It's not so much that the thrill is gone, it's just a cleaner, sweeter, brighter thrill has come along....

2006-02-20T16:33:00.000+10:00

Okay, nope, still definitely over casual sex.

It was Phd and I, of course. During my drunken revelry on Friday night I'd had a moment of unidentified urge (boredom? weakness? nostalgia?) and smsed him, and we had a bit of a chat, I mentioned I was over casual sex, he mentioned that he was dissappointed because he'd been really keen to do it at uni, and that set a little candle burning in my brain. (Gee, I lasted a long time, didn't I? All of two days. Bwahaha...) Sometime last night I smsed admitting that I was tempted by the notion, to which he replied, 'I'm here all night.' and the rest, they say, is history. *grin*

I of course, being the fabulous and thoughtful individual that I am, changed into some sexy sheer black lingerie and packed a few toys before leaving...because god knows life is better when you're dressed and equipped appropriately. *grin*

We decided on the labs at his office as our ultimate location- we considered the office itself but the labs seemed better- less clutter and big one way mirrors instead of walls, a few chairs and a desk, which we made thorough use of. It was a little awkward at first...normally there's some kind of natural transition between chatting and sex, casual touching and the like but this just wasn't the place or the time for it, and we both felt the need to comment on how weird it was.

I'd love to write it up into a nice little story for you guys but the fact that I didn't really -love- it means I don't have as much impetus to write, and it seems dishonest to write it up as though it was fantastic when it wasn't. Maybe in a few days when I've got a bit of distance I can make it slightly fictional for you instead.

Don't get me wrong, it was good sex. I had a little trouble reaching orgasm but we pretty much did it in every position possible- on the chairs (both stationary and spinny, ooh!) on the desk, on the floor, me on top, him on top, from behind, played with a couple of my toys (vibe, blindfold, mini latex flogger) but it was just lacking a certain something. Closeness. Intimacy. Synchronicity. Adoring and being adored... not having to wonder what he thinks of me when he's got me kneeling on the floor in front of him all glistening and mussed.

In the absence of a lovely blow by blow *snicker* description, I'll give you some amusing tidbits from the evening:

-Me being inexplicably embarrassed at the petrol station about having to buy condoms...despite my usual gleeful purchases at the local sex shop.

-The moment when, in the process of sliding across the table I hear and feel paper crinkling under my neck, and look up confusedly, only to be told jokingly 'Oh, that's only my Phd...don't worry about it!'

-The way he kept saying 'I fucking love uni!' enthusiastically mid-thrust.

- The way he said 'We could do anal!' in an oh-so-helpful manner when I was having trouble coming, as if that would be some kind of favour to me, and not the one thing he's always at me for.

-The post-sex awkwardness- standing by my car before I left, me demanding annoyedly 'What, are we gonna shake hands now? C'mere, I want a grope!'

-The fact that this actually worked to get me said grope, so I hugged him, groped him, ran my fingers over his stomach somewhat wistfully, patted it, and said, "I'm gonna miss this."

I am of course all giggly and pleased with myself for having had sex on university property- can't beat the novelty factor there, though the prospect of being caught didn't get me off. Apparently that's not one of my particular kinks.

So ultimately it was a fun experience, that I'd repeat with the right person, but not in a casual sex context. I want more. Strange but true, huh? I can barely imagine how delicious all the desire I feel for Phd would be in combination with the giddy feeling of love/infatuation...it'd be intense to meet someone with whom I had both. I can't wait.

g

PS. There was about a paragraph of my raving about how much I adore Phd's body in the draft of this post, but for some reason it didn't seem to fit. Odd, huh? Maybe another time.

Piers Anthony has an excellent understanding of the world...

2006-02-20T14:56:00.000+10:00

...and a flattering one too!

"It's the flip side of my nature. Those who are most capable of driving a man wild with longing, also are capable of annoying him beyond endurance."

The Demoness Sire, p 39, Faun & Games.

Hehehe!

g

PS...Still trying to get that post about last night out for ya...it's proving a little ungainly, wanting for editing etc etc...but I promise, soon.

Heehee...

2006-02-19T19:42:00.000+10:00

I apologize for the mammoth post down there.

And perhaps my statement that I was over casual sex was a little premature. I am about to go and fulfil my ambition to have sex on university property.

Whee!

g

I'm looking for inspiration, and I think I've found it in your arms...

2006-02-19T15:26:00.000+10:00

Yay, back to song lyrics as post titles... I am AWESOME. *ahem*

So yeah, firstly to tackle my accidental tease in the last post... I was quite tired whilst writing, I am pretty sure I had every intention of saying what the decision was, but likely got sidetracked.
I decided not to date the boy anymore. He's sweet and nice, and funny and interesting but that spark is missing. Which drives me absolutely crazy. What IS that spark? Why can't I live without it? Or, perhaps more correctly, as I'll discuss later, why can't I live without it anymore?

Yesterday, in the usual soul searching that happens when I decide to reject someone, I had to wonder about what I was looking for, and how that might compare to what I should be looking for. Sometimes (especially after talking to my mother) I feel like I should I be looking for someone who meets 'The List' of criteria, so I can tick them off and say 'Yes, in having this person I have everything I want.' However I've met a few people like that, and it just feels soul-less to me. They are nice, and smart and interesting (I typed 'interested' then, accidentally- Freudian much?) but there's just -something- missing. Which brings me to 'the feeling'.

It's taken me a long time to even learn what that feeling is, and I imagine in ten years time I will have a completely different conception of it. You probably know the one I mean. The best description would be the butterflies in your tummy feeling. It's not just sexual chemistry...I've had that and it's different, it's everything... thinking about the person makes you fly, the heady endorphin (or dopamine, if you believe National Geographic) fuelled feeling that makes you think you could take on the world.

I've experienced it, that's true. Unfortunately never in any situation which has led to a relationship. I'll give you a bit of background, so if you're bored with the Backstory type stuff, then feel free to skip this bit.

I've really only had three relationships. I've dated a bit, and fooled around, but only three people I would have called my 'boyfriend'. (Well actually only two, but the middle relationship was sufficiently damaging that I can't pretend it was just dating, or just sex.)

The first one was straight out of high school, and there was really nothing there, despite the fact that it lasted for a year. At the time I was naive, I had no idea how I was supposed to feel in a relationship...or perhaps more correctly, I had that idea but didn't think it really happened, or didn't think it was something that would happen to me.

The second one was fuelled by that most tricky of things, rampant sexual chemistry...always most intoxicating with the first person you mutually experience it with, and that's the relationship that was also very emotionally damaging for me, hence the shrink.

The third relationship was somewhat complicated. It was with a person I'd known online for a very long time (like, years long time) and whilst there was the greatest emotional intimacy that I'd ever experienced there, even before we met I wasn't sure I'd have that physical chemistry with him, as much as I hoped otherwise. I was optimistic however, because I met the second 'boyfriend' online, and when I first saw his photo I thought I would never be attracted to him, and look where that got me. So we met, and I tried my hardest....I adored him, and still adore him, though it's harder now...those hours of conversations with him online are where I honed my favourite fetishes, my habits, my sexual personality...as bizarre as that sounds. It didn't work out, of course- you can't fight your own lack of attraction to a person... things fell through, it was a pretty big adjustment for me after that- after five plus years of having constant emotional intimacy with someone, no matter what was happening in my life, having nothing was quite difficult.

Anyway, the sum of all that backstory is that I've never had the butterflies feeling in the context of a relationship. Bizarre, I know, but true. I've experienced it probably twice, and both times it was after dating, and the person didn't return the sentiment. I don't think the feeling is particularly mysterious- just the giddy high of really liking someone, so naturally I want it when I date someone, rather than just dating someone because they fit with 'The List'.

However it's pretty rare to get butterflies, I think, which makes sense, but it's kind of frustrating. The other problem is that I have realized that I don't expect the butterflies to happen for me... I don't like myself enough, or think I am likeable enough to meet someone who gives me those butterflies, and who will like me in return. Pathetic, non? But true. So there you go, that's why the feeling isn't on my list of criteria. So I end up dating boys who meet most of 'the list', but whom lack that 'zing' simply because I'm afraid I won't get it with anyone.

It never lasts long, of course...I tell myself I'm taking the time to get to know them, maybe that zing will come with time, but my anxiety or perhaps my instinct eventually gets the better of me, and I end it.

I want this post to have a point, something sweeping like 'So, in conclusion I will NEVER date someone if I don't feel that zing with them ever again' etc, but I have too many doubts, a few questions, which I'd hoped you guys might have some answers for.

Firstly, is the zing something that happens straight away, or can it come with time? That giddy feeling, normally I get it within a few hours of meeting a person if I like them, is that always the case? I've never personally had it come later, but I know I'm not the be all and end all of experience, so any tips?

Secondly, is it right to say I'll never date anyone just for the 'criteria', or in doing that am I ruling out some perfectly nice guys just because I want the zing?

Is it realistic to want butterflies with someone?

Even if it isn't, am I the kind of person who can do a relationship/dating without it, at least at first?

Thanks,

g

Yes, I know it's a little late in the year for a 2005 retrospective...

2006-02-17T14:12:00.000+10:00

...but what the hell, I didn't do one, and it looks like fun!

Pinched from muchadoaboutsomething

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?

Realized that seeing a psychologist doesn't make you crazy. It makes you sane.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don't think so. I don't take much notice though, maybe? My friends aren't really at that age yet though.

3. Did anyone close to you die?

My great grandmother.

4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory?

Nowhere overseas, but I went down to Victoria for Falls Festival and it was fantastic!

5. Best thing you bought?

The hours at my shrink!

6. Where did most of your money go?

Books, cds, food!

7. What do you wish you had done more of?

Saved money.

8. What do you wish you had done less of?

Stressed.

9. What kept you sane?

Myshrink, my very good friends. Sleep, pilates, painting, music.

10. What drove you mad?

Me.

11. What made you celebrate?

Feeling like I was regaining my sanity.

12. What made you sad?

Any number of things. The stress I put myself through for little or no reason.

13. How was your birthday this year?

Really good, I love you guys!

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?

Voluntary student unionism. Down with VSU!

15. Where you in love in 2005?

Naw.

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?

A good long term relationship.

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?

Umm...since I seem to struggling to remember the exact date, I'll say the day I finally met the online beau of many years in real life, because that changed my entire existence in many ways.

18. What song will remind you of 2005?

TZU - She Gets Up and The Mountain Goats -This Year.

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?

Yes, for certain!

20. Biggest achievement this year?

Becoming a happier, more stable person.

21. Biggest disappointment this year?

I don't really have too many. I guess not making it into the Big Brother house.

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?

More sanity.

23. Best new person you met this year?

Hmm... the internet boy I guess, if you count people you hadn't met in real life before.

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?

When you are stressed, just ask yourself - 'Does it really matter?'- very little actually matters.

Just thought I'd give you a nice update.

In other news, things have settled down in my head. I made a decision about the boy I was dating, had a fun friday night, and here I am.

g

The pathology of (my) panic...

2006-02-13T13:31:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure I should be posting this on what's supposed to be a sex blog, but hey, there hasn't been much posting about sex on here lately anyway...

So you've probably figured out by now that I have something of a problem with anxiety. In difficult situations, or even, dare I say it fairly normal situations (almost only involving boys) I tend to have panic reactions that are grossly out of proportion with what's -actually- going on.

Probably I could trace this back to one relationship I had, where I didn't really -like- the guy but allowed myself to get trapped by the sex and his neediness, and now I'm kind of terrified of being trapped again.

I've had a lot of help, I was on anti-depressants for a while, and I've been seeing a psychologist... so don't worry, onlywhenilarf, I'm not retreating into a little hidey hole or anything like that.

It gets hard though, I know I just have to bring myself back to reality, apply all the tricks my psychologist taught me- remind myself that this reaction is totally in-appropriate for the situation. But it's hard sometimes, fighting myself. Sometimes it feels like my brain -wants - to panic- this situation for example- I know it's no big deal- I had my first real life date with a guy I met online, who I had a really good connection with online. We didn't have quite that -click- in real life, although the date was fun, I haven't decided how I feel about him yet, or where I want this to go.

Seems reasonable enough, no? A simple matter of maybe a few more dates, to get to know him better, to be sure, and work from there. No reason to be afraid, or anxious or panicky. And I know this, logically I know, but my brain just won't let up- I wanted us to 'click' straight away, I want to be sure that I like him so I don't have to worry about this, be afraid of being trapped again.

It's also because I have this idea that if it's 'right', if I really like the boy, I won't get anxious. And I still don't really know if that's true or not.

I know logically that sometimes first dates, especially with people off the net, can be awkward and the dynamic can totally change after.

You always tell me to follow my instinct Charon, but unfortunately panic is a pretty deeply ingrained 'instinct' for me at the moment, and I have to -not- follow it.

Doesn't help that I'm run down at the moment with a cold, so the fuzzy head feeling that comes with anxiety, the feeling of not quite being in the world, is carried on by the blocked up feeling of the cold.

Look at me turning my molehills into mountains. It's so silly, I know it, but sometimes it's hard not to.

g

Something about a leaky boat...

2006-02-11T21:44:00.000+10:00

Your g is feeling really anxious right now, the bad kind. So forgive me if I'm absent for a day or two, or as long as it takes for my head to get back to normal.

g

I know the whole internet has probably seen this by now...

2006-02-09T23:15:00.000+10:00

...and it's a little bit inaccurate, but check it out anyway, it's SO AWESOME!

"Only in Kenya...forget Norway!"

Hehee...I have spent a considerable amount of time today bouncing and singing along...

g