Bound by hurt dissolved, I pray my hurt dissolves, I set you free, please go...

So I know that last post was a little inane. I have a draft written explaining it all for you, but I just got back from the gig that the ex was also at, so forgive me if I am not all that keen on publishing a post crowing about how I got laid today, right this moment.

I had fun at the gig, thanks to those of you who advised me to go... it was scary seeing him again, but the bands - Wiseacre and The Casino Rumblers, Bad Moon Rising and The Resignators were awesome, and, holy of holies, I finally learned how to skank!

(Only about a hundred rockabilly/ska gigs too late, and just in time for me to not have a boyfriend to skank with anymore. Oh well. Better late than never I suppose.)

I had fun because the bands were so good, but it was hard to be there with him. At the same time it was kind of good. I was nervous as hell before he arrived, but once he did the conversation was actually okay. We are still really focused in on each other when we talk, in that way you are when you're in a couple, but don't notice until you cease being in that couple. It was difficult talking to him- we were talking closely, and there was a lot of subtext. Meaningful glances, searching each other's faces, all of that. You know how it is- you are both busy keeping a stiff upper lip and all that, but deep down all you want to say is 'I miss you. I wish things had worked.' *sigh*

Physically I was okay. Being so close to him was tough; when you get in the habit of touching someone, it becomes so much a part of your routine that its absence is blindingly obvious. Little moments where I think we both had to stop ourselves from doing the casual touching that was so much a part of who we were. He came back from getting a glass of water, and I could see in his whole body that he had to stop himself from reaching out to take my hand, or put his arm around me, like we would have when we were together. I had a little trouble too, mostly had my hands jammed in my pockets or twisted in my belt loops when we were standing close so I didn't crack. When he first arrived he was leaning on the table, and our forearms were about four inches apart- even from that distance my skin burned with wanting to be close to his.

Thankfully we are not complete bullshitters- neither of us tried to pretend that our lives had been awesome since we broke up. I am terrible at acting like everything's cool anyway. He mentioned that his last month had passed in a haze of (pot) smoke, which annoyed me, so I took the only jab I had at him all night, some vague implication that I have been getting back on the horse. So to speak. I regretted the implication pretty much instantly, he doesn't deserve to have me do that, considering he never did me any wrong, really.

We both probably drank a bit more than was wise, considering the circumstances, which is probably why he seemed pretty unhappy for the later part of the evening. I tried to cheer him up, even asked him to dance (yes, in hindsight that was really cruel, but I didn't mean it to be) because I wanted him to be happy, but it was too hard to get through. He was always near impossible to cheer up when sad, and I don't expect him to be all sweetness and light at the moment anyway.

There were burlesque girls also, which was pretty cute to watch, but incredibly uncomfortable to see with him. (However, nothing compared to how it'd be if we were still together, I get very jealous. At the last Wiseacre gig there were hula girls and I went absolutely mental about it, dissappeared in a huff cause he was looking at them. Yes, I'm stupid, I know.)

But yeah...it was hard, and it made me miss him, and we had a (okay, maybe two) nice long hug at the end, and I am having the irrational wanting him back right now. Gah. I am going to bed now, m'kay?

g

(PS, I have edited for the millionth time, because I have too much to say, and lack the words to say it. Including the title, choice song lyrics abound!)