I'm looking for inspiration, and I think I've found it in your arms...
Yay, back to song lyrics as post titles... I am AWESOME. *ahem*
So yeah, firstly to tackle my accidental tease in the last post... I was quite tired whilst writing, I am pretty sure I had every intention of saying what the decision was, but likely got sidetracked.
I decided not to date the boy anymore. He's sweet and nice, and funny and interesting but that spark is missing. Which drives me absolutely crazy. What IS that spark? Why can't I live without it? Or, perhaps more correctly, as I'll discuss later, why can't I live without it anymore?
Yesterday, in the usual soul searching that happens when I decide to reject someone, I had to wonder about what I was looking for, and how that might compare to what I should be looking for. Sometimes (especially after talking to my mother) I feel like I should I be looking for someone who meets 'The List' of criteria, so I can tick them off and say 'Yes, in having this person I have everything I want.' However I've met a few people like that, and it just feels soul-less to me. They are nice, and smart and interesting (I typed 'interested' then, accidentally- Freudian much?) but there's just -something- missing. Which brings me to 'the feeling'.
It's taken me a long time to even learn what that feeling is, and I imagine in ten years time I will have a completely different conception of it. You probably know the one I mean. The best description would be the butterflies in your tummy feeling. It's not just sexual chemistry...I've had that and it's different, it's everything... thinking about the person makes you fly, the heady endorphin (or dopamine, if you believe National Geographic) fuelled feeling that makes you think you could take on the world.
I've experienced it, that's true. Unfortunately never in any situation which has led to a relationship. I'll give you a bit of background, so if you're bored with the Backstory type stuff, then feel free to skip this bit.
I've really only had three relationships. I've dated a bit, and fooled around, but only three people I would have called my 'boyfriend'. (Well actually only two, but the middle relationship was sufficiently damaging that I can't pretend it was just dating, or just sex.)
The first one was straight out of high school, and there was really nothing there, despite the fact that it lasted for a year. At the time I was naive, I had no idea how I was supposed to feel in a relationship...or perhaps more correctly, I had that idea but didn't think it really happened, or didn't think it was something that would happen to me.
The second one was fuelled by that most tricky of things, rampant sexual chemistry...always most intoxicating with the first person you mutually experience it with, and that's the relationship that was also very emotionally damaging for me, hence the shrink.
The third relationship was somewhat complicated. It was with a person I'd known online for a very long time (like, years long time) and whilst there was the greatest emotional intimacy that I'd ever experienced there, even before we met I wasn't sure I'd have that physical chemistry with him, as much as I hoped otherwise. I was optimistic however, because I met the second 'boyfriend' online, and when I first saw his photo I thought I would never be attracted to him, and look where that got me. So we met, and I tried my hardest....I adored him, and still adore him, though it's harder now...those hours of conversations with him online are where I honed my favourite fetishes, my habits, my sexual personality...as bizarre as that sounds. It didn't work out, of course- you can't fight your own lack of attraction to a person... things fell through, it was a pretty big adjustment for me after that- after five plus years of having constant emotional intimacy with someone, no matter what was happening in my life, having nothing was quite difficult.
Anyway, the sum of all that backstory is that I've never had the butterflies feeling in the context of a relationship. Bizarre, I know, but true. I've experienced it probably twice, and both times it was after dating, and the person didn't return the sentiment. I don't think the feeling is particularly mysterious- just the giddy high of really liking someone, so naturally I want it when I date someone, rather than just dating someone because they fit with 'The List'.
However it's pretty rare to get butterflies, I think, which makes sense, but it's kind of frustrating. The other problem is that I have realized that I don't expect the butterflies to happen for me... I don't like myself enough, or think I am likeable enough to meet someone who gives me those butterflies, and who will like me in return. Pathetic, non? But true. So there you go, that's why the feeling isn't on my list of criteria. So I end up dating boys who meet most of 'the list', but whom lack that 'zing' simply because I'm afraid I won't get it with anyone.
It never lasts long, of course...I tell myself I'm taking the time to get to know them, maybe that zing will come with time, but my anxiety or perhaps my instinct eventually gets the better of me, and I end it.
I want this post to have a point, something sweeping like 'So, in conclusion I will NEVER date someone if I don't feel that zing with them ever again' etc, but I have too many doubts, a few questions, which I'd hoped you guys might have some answers for.
Firstly, is the zing something that happens straight away, or can it come with time? That giddy feeling, normally I get it within a few hours of meeting a person if I like them, is that always the case? I've never personally had it come later, but I know I'm not the be all and end all of experience, so any tips?
Secondly, is it right to say I'll never date anyone just for the 'criteria', or in doing that am I ruling out some perfectly nice guys just because I want the zing?
Is it realistic to want butterflies with someone?
Even if it isn't, am I the kind of person who can do a relationship/dating without it, at least at first?
Thanks,
g
So yeah, firstly to tackle my accidental tease in the last post... I was quite tired whilst writing, I am pretty sure I had every intention of saying what the decision was, but likely got sidetracked.
I decided not to date the boy anymore. He's sweet and nice, and funny and interesting but that spark is missing. Which drives me absolutely crazy. What IS that spark? Why can't I live without it? Or, perhaps more correctly, as I'll discuss later, why can't I live without it anymore?
Yesterday, in the usual soul searching that happens when I decide to reject someone, I had to wonder about what I was looking for, and how that might compare to what I should be looking for. Sometimes (especially after talking to my mother) I feel like I should I be looking for someone who meets 'The List' of criteria, so I can tick them off and say 'Yes, in having this person I have everything I want.' However I've met a few people like that, and it just feels soul-less to me. They are nice, and smart and interesting (I typed 'interested' then, accidentally- Freudian much?) but there's just -something- missing. Which brings me to 'the feeling'.
It's taken me a long time to even learn what that feeling is, and I imagine in ten years time I will have a completely different conception of it. You probably know the one I mean. The best description would be the butterflies in your tummy feeling. It's not just sexual chemistry...I've had that and it's different, it's everything... thinking about the person makes you fly, the heady endorphin (or dopamine, if you believe National Geographic) fuelled feeling that makes you think you could take on the world.
I've experienced it, that's true. Unfortunately never in any situation which has led to a relationship. I'll give you a bit of background, so if you're bored with the Backstory type stuff, then feel free to skip this bit.
I've really only had three relationships. I've dated a bit, and fooled around, but only three people I would have called my 'boyfriend'. (Well actually only two, but the middle relationship was sufficiently damaging that I can't pretend it was just dating, or just sex.)
The first one was straight out of high school, and there was really nothing there, despite the fact that it lasted for a year. At the time I was naive, I had no idea how I was supposed to feel in a relationship...or perhaps more correctly, I had that idea but didn't think it really happened, or didn't think it was something that would happen to me.
The second one was fuelled by that most tricky of things, rampant sexual chemistry...always most intoxicating with the first person you mutually experience it with, and that's the relationship that was also very emotionally damaging for me, hence the shrink.
The third relationship was somewhat complicated. It was with a person I'd known online for a very long time (like, years long time) and whilst there was the greatest emotional intimacy that I'd ever experienced there, even before we met I wasn't sure I'd have that physical chemistry with him, as much as I hoped otherwise. I was optimistic however, because I met the second 'boyfriend' online, and when I first saw his photo I thought I would never be attracted to him, and look where that got me. So we met, and I tried my hardest....I adored him, and still adore him, though it's harder now...those hours of conversations with him online are where I honed my favourite fetishes, my habits, my sexual personality...as bizarre as that sounds. It didn't work out, of course- you can't fight your own lack of attraction to a person... things fell through, it was a pretty big adjustment for me after that- after five plus years of having constant emotional intimacy with someone, no matter what was happening in my life, having nothing was quite difficult.
Anyway, the sum of all that backstory is that I've never had the butterflies feeling in the context of a relationship. Bizarre, I know, but true. I've experienced it probably twice, and both times it was after dating, and the person didn't return the sentiment. I don't think the feeling is particularly mysterious- just the giddy high of really liking someone, so naturally I want it when I date someone, rather than just dating someone because they fit with 'The List'.
However it's pretty rare to get butterflies, I think, which makes sense, but it's kind of frustrating. The other problem is that I have realized that I don't expect the butterflies to happen for me... I don't like myself enough, or think I am likeable enough to meet someone who gives me those butterflies, and who will like me in return. Pathetic, non? But true. So there you go, that's why the feeling isn't on my list of criteria. So I end up dating boys who meet most of 'the list', but whom lack that 'zing' simply because I'm afraid I won't get it with anyone.
It never lasts long, of course...I tell myself I'm taking the time to get to know them, maybe that zing will come with time, but my anxiety or perhaps my instinct eventually gets the better of me, and I end it.
I want this post to have a point, something sweeping like 'So, in conclusion I will NEVER date someone if I don't feel that zing with them ever again' etc, but I have too many doubts, a few questions, which I'd hoped you guys might have some answers for.
Firstly, is the zing something that happens straight away, or can it come with time? That giddy feeling, normally I get it within a few hours of meeting a person if I like them, is that always the case? I've never personally had it come later, but I know I'm not the be all and end all of experience, so any tips?
Secondly, is it right to say I'll never date anyone just for the 'criteria', or in doing that am I ruling out some perfectly nice guys just because I want the zing?
Is it realistic to want butterflies with someone?
Even if it isn't, am I the kind of person who can do a relationship/dating without it, at least at first?
Thanks,
g
posted by Girl at 3:26 pm
6 Comments:
Lordy, I so want to talk to you, there is so much I can say about this, but at nearly one in the morning, I'm just too pooped to write it all here.
Honey, I've got a lot of stuff around relationships to give you that just works! Keep reminding me. But first, I must sleep....
g,
The spark, IMHO, is, as you say, something that in ten years time you may well have a completely different conception of it.
It is chemistry, and not just the sexual kind.. but the chemical kind too. It's about you, him, where you're at in your life, where he's at.. so many factors.. and time can change those factors.. again, IMHO.
Personally I'd say it's entirely realistic to want butterflies with someone.. and you only find that out by dating them.. it's up to you whether you continue that dating if you find the butterflies aren't there, or if you want to see if the chemistry, chemical etc, will kick in. There may be other factors to consider.. who can tell?
I'd say - want the zing. It makes everything else worthwhile.. and don't stop looking for it.
charon
xox
Yay, thanks guys. I totally want the zing! Why fight my anxiety for something dull? LOL
And onlywhenilarf, feel free to email me any time if you've got advice. I'm terrible at taking it unless I pay for it (ie. my shrink) but I often arrive at the same conclusion on my own, and then you get to say 'haha, I told you so!' which is always fun when you're dealing with a smartass like me.
Charon, I do want the butterflies. I know they can happen, it just bugs me that it never happens with someone who feels the same about me!
so been there! I was seeing this one girl.. had everything going for her.. beautiful, nice, couldn't put a foot wrong.. so there was no *SPARK*.. i need it.. i feel like im wasting my time without.. and i thought it was just me :)
cheers.. iain.
Not just you, iain... I've had it happen as well, with Phd and I when we dated, actually... it's a little weird.
Now there's two of us- one more person and we could start a support group!
*grin*
g
Oh, also, iain, it's not just you in another sense- there's a whole article in this month's National Geographic about -that- feeling and the chemicals that cause it!
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