Saturday, November 11, 2006

Fuck! redux (Heehee fuckdux!)

The mean reds continue... it's a hard thing to explain.

I was sitting in the movie, scared witless (The Grudge 2, go see it!) and suddenly I got a feeling (I get those sometimes) like I had suddenly stopped having a crush on AFL, and immediately started stressing about it. Even though, I know logically that even if this were true it doesn't really matter, it terrifies me because this is not the first time it's happened. Since that first freakout with the ex, it seems like I reach a point where some little switch inside my brain gets flicked, and I stop liking this person. No rhyme or reason, just WHOMPH and holy crap I've changed my mind.

The thought that this might happen every time absolutely terrifies me- I don't want to die alone half eaten by alsatians, just because I can't seem to maintain persistent crush/feelings for anybody. What's with that?

I know I get overly stressed about these relationship type things- while waiting for AFL to arrive at the pub last weekend, I got so stressed out I threw up. (I know, didn't tell ya that, did I?) I guess since I have already arranged to meet AFL tonight, I have extra time to get nervous, so the mean reds last a bit longer.

I am trying to chill out, just reading at home, but I am aware of it now and almost un-conciously looking every now and then to see if the fear is still there. It's a funny kind of fear- not like being surprised or anything like that- it's slow, and creeping, like thick oil in my blood. My heart beats a bit faster, a bit harder, struggling to clear it, but somehow it only makes it worse, spreads it deeper through me.

Despite all this whining, I am actually coping okay- no nervous breakdowns yet like with the ex, so woot. I am just grumpy that I feel it at all.


Labels: , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home