We got it sweet now, aint nothing calling, I'm at your feet now but girl, I'm still falling at ya!

Lordy, what a crazy night! Saw the Infadels, was good, saw (and met, briefly) the most gorgeous boy in the world. (Was also snubbed by him, clearly a homo.) Also saw my future wife, whom I have been stalking all semester (read: we had some classes together).

My brain cannot cope with the sheer volume of hotness I saw tonight.

Excuse me while I go to bed and erm...read a book. Yes. That's what I'll do.

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The Anti-Climax... (hee!)

So after all that, we didn't actually have sex.

The gig was awesome, The Dukes of Windsor are hot, you should check them out! Great music, good looking boys... and the audience was super hot too- so if you are already a fan of the Dukes, you can rest assured that I probably think you are hot. It was almost painful, looking at all the beautiful indie boys and wondering why I had invited AFL. Indie boys are the best kind.

AFL and I danced a bit, my body pressed back against his. It was lovely, he was tall and warm and solid, his head occasionally bending to kiss or nuzzle my hair. We aren't casual or relaxed in our touching yet, so touching him, and having him touch me, is still fraught with nerves and excitement. Which is actually lovely. The heady rush of touching and being touched is still there- after all there's never touching better than the first few times you do it. He is lovely to touch...some quality in his skin and muscles, some nameless thing that I don't find with everybody... chemistry, I guess you'd call it- I still tingle when I touch him. Perhaps that's why I invited him, rather than trying to pick up some beautiful indie boy.

We went home after the concert ended and started to watch The Grudge with a couple of mates but I just wasn't in the moment. It was nice to be cuddled up on the couch, but the movie wasn't scaring me at all. Perhaps the first sign that I was a bit worn out- I couldn't suspend my mental chattering long enough to be afraid of the movie, like I usually can.

Got to bed, both of us torn- the possibility of sex was hanging in the air, mingling with our mutual tiredness, making everything a bit cloudy and confused. We half-heartedly started fooling around, even though I for one would have been content to just press myself naked against the length of him, and doze. He was kissing his way down my belly, with me watching him, but I wasn't responding how I should. It was almost mechanical, and he sensed it. He kissed my hipbone, and then looked up at me.

"Something just doesn't feel quite right tonight." I smiled inwardly, pleased that he'd seen it, pleased that he agreed.
"I was thinking exactly the same thing." I said something inane about how we shouldn't have sex just because we can, but wait until we want to. He nodded. Everything was lovely and relaxed, I wasn't stressed, and it took at least twenty minutes for the thought 'Maybe he just doesn't want to have sex with me?" to cross my mind, and I supressed it. So we slept.

I am also being crazy possessive about him, with no right to be so- some chicks (hot chicks!) he met at some function ran into us in the Valley last night, and literally begged him to go out drinking with them, while I stood and waited for him to finish chatting, I got all freaky and weird about it. Grrr! Also stalking chicks he knows on Myspace. Yes, I'm sad, my little adventures into creepy-stalker-girl-ness make me wonder if this thing is more trouble than it's worth. Or perhaps I just crave more from him than I'm currently getting.

I am honest to goodness not sure- I don't know if I would want to date him, if that was an option. I had considered discussing it with him last night but the topic never came up, and for the moment I am happy to let it rest. Go figure, letting thing happen as they will, maybe I have grown up a little bit lately?

So after all that musing, I've hit low again. I'm sure it will pass and it's only very mild, but you know it's never nice. I was reading a blog post over at pretty dumb things about how much she loves anal (I share this love) and it made me miss the ex a lot- despite all the problems, we had a lot of similar likes in bed, and there was the comfort of being always, always wanted, no matter what. Which I've never really had before. Got a bit frightened of never finding someone I love, even though I know that's ridiculous- and I didn't love the ex anyway. Unpleasant, but true.

As you may have seen in the last post, I am a little afraid that maybe I -can't- fall in love. Or perhaps, more specifically, that I can't fall in love with someone who is actually available to me. I have fallen in love, but that one, the one who got away, despite our brief 'interaction' was pretty much always un-available to me. Mope mope, angst, etc. *ahem*


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Fuck! redux (Heehee fuckdux!)

The mean reds continue... it's a hard thing to explain.

I was sitting in the movie, scared witless (The Grudge 2, go see it!) and suddenly I got a feeling (I get those sometimes) like I had suddenly stopped having a crush on AFL, and immediately started stressing about it. Even though, I know logically that even if this were true it doesn't really matter, it terrifies me because this is not the first time it's happened. Since that first freakout with the ex, it seems like I reach a point where some little switch inside my brain gets flicked, and I stop liking this person. No rhyme or reason, just WHOMPH and holy crap I've changed my mind.

The thought that this might happen every time absolutely terrifies me- I don't want to die alone half eaten by alsatians, just because I can't seem to maintain persistent crush/feelings for anybody. What's with that?

I know I get overly stressed about these relationship type things- while waiting for AFL to arrive at the pub last weekend, I got so stressed out I threw up. (I know, didn't tell ya that, did I?) I guess since I have already arranged to meet AFL tonight, I have extra time to get nervous, so the mean reds last a bit longer.

I am trying to chill out, just reading at home, but I am aware of it now and almost un-conciously looking every now and then to see if the fear is still there. It's a funny kind of fear- not like being surprised or anything like that- it's slow, and creeping, like thick oil in my blood. My heart beats a bit faster, a bit harder, struggling to clear it, but somehow it only makes it worse, spreads it deeper through me.

Despite all this whining, I am actually coping okay- no nervous breakdowns yet like with the ex, so woot. I am just grumpy that I feel it at all.

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Songs That Are Worth Pausing When You Sneak Off to the Loo

(Which takes like, two seconds anyway.)

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
Horropops - What's Under My Bed?
The Audreys - Banjo and Violin
The Audreys - A Little More
James Blunt - Out of My Mind
Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy
Amelie Poulain Soundtrack - Comptine D'un Autre Été: L'après Midi


In other news- The One That Got Away (dunno if I've mentioned him, ever?) offered me a free ticket to Sarah Blasko tommorrow. Gah! I am going to a different gig with a friend and AFL, and now I am all torn and confused! (Although, my libido, which is resting today, assures me that AFL is the better choice.) Anyway, I was second choice for the Sarah Blasko ticket- 'Do you want to go if this other person I invited doesn't?' That's crap.

The next month will be an awesome one for gigs- there's this one tommorrow, The Infadels next week, TZU the week after, and Dubdoubt and The Vasco Era. Woohoo live music.

I need to take some more pictures.

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I was feeling guilty about posting so much...

But then I remembered that I am meant to be posting every day. So it's all sweet!

I survived the party...got a bit pissed off listening to my housemate bitch about how much he hates AFL every time I mention him, but he apologized this morning, which is a pretty big deal. Generally my housemate (also best mate) is one of those people who NEVER apologizes for anything, so yay!

Psychiatrist still slightly un-nerves me. We got to talking about sex (as you do) and it just freaked me out seeing him saying things like 'mutual masturbation' and 'cock'. Middle aged men shouldn't be saying these things in the same room as me, surely? (Hmm, I think my age is showing!)

I know, who knew I had hangups about sex?

I invited AFL to a gig this weekend, he sounds keen, so that's good.

I applied to withdraw from uni today. Hopefully with the supporting letter from my psychiatrist, this will mean the subjects I am about to fail won't appear on my academic record. Either way, I am not doing my exams, so I am officially finished for the semester! Woohoo!

I realize this is basically a post about what I had for breakfast, but I have no particular musings to express today. (Unusual, I know.)

I am going to see The Grudge 2 tonight, should be hot- the fantasticness of the original Grudge, plus schoolgirls! WHEE!

Am experiencing conflict about whether to go to Big Day Out... a few bands I like, and generally a fun experience- but can I afford it? I suppose I could just join the ticket ballot and see how I go. Hmm...

That's all for now,

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Thinkity think think...

My housemate is freaking the shit out of me. He's had too much caffeine and has gone completely mental.

I am feeling a little shakey and on edge today (staying up til dawn reading probably has something to do with this) so forgive any possible incoherence.

(Some of this was written the day before yesterday, in case you hadn't already figured that out.)

Random Tidbits That I May or May Not Make Into Proper Posts:

1) There are a number of things that the CSP boy (lets name him...AFL) said and did while in the bedroom that I think should be sending up red flags, but possibly I am ignoring. Especially since, as I keep reminding myself, I am not planning to date him. Things like, he jokingly pretended to slip it in, after I had said no, using his thumb instead of his you know what. I wasn't all that impressed, seemed like a terrible joke. This makes him seem like a bit of an asshole. Am I being too uptight? There was other stuff, but I forget right this minute.

2) I think I might be getting a little bit of a crush on AFL. The need for reminders that I am not planning to date him, and the stalky myspace behaviour suggest this. Oh oh.

3) Despite all of this, in my typical mothy-flamey fashion, I am planning to text him tommorrow or perhaps Wednesday, to get laid. Cause, c'mon, it's still free sex with a hot boy. Even if he is an asshole, it doesn't matter, I'm not planning to date him anyway! When I first met him, the fact that I didn't really think that much of him was a bonus, cause it meant no problem with pesky things like falling in love etc. Hmm.

4) Umm, there is no four. Sorry dudes. Apart from, I am so screwed about uni, and for some reason I just don't care. I know that is horrific, but I think I have just blocked it out, and am pretending like none of it is happening. Frightening. I am thinking about un-enrolling, I've not been well for a bit of the semester, so hopefully that can be done.

5) Yep, that's definitely all I got for now. Breakfast time, kiddies.



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Oh, also...

I have a thing in my mouth. Some kind of weird oddly shaped lump. (I know, now you are all thinking I have herpes. But it's not a herpe, OKAY?!)

It's weird... but I chew on my lip sometimes while experiencing pleasures (tee hee!) perhaps it occurred sometime in the roughly 15 hours I spent in my bedroom on Saturday? Perhaps I was chewing in concentration during the 40 minute handy? (The fact that it took so long makes me suspect I was doing a bad job. Hehe, naw, not really. Screw it.)

There are other random tidbits about the sex stuff that I kind of want to post about, but for some reason I'm feeling a bit reticient. How strange.

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PS. Also after posting this I totally realized that you might have thought I meant I had a rude thing in my mouth. But I didn't, I swear. And boy, didn't that drive the csp boy mental. *giggle*

This is the post about that boy...a bit late, but better late than never, right?

I've been watching too much Harry Potter. I totally had the urge to say 'Mischief Managed' at the climax of a particularly vigorous episode in the bedroom. (Hey, 40 minutes of vigorous hand action and you'll go a bit silly too!)

I am absolutely tuckered out now. I had something mildly interesting to post about in relation to the whole thing with the csp, but it's slipped out of my head. Oh, wait...there it is...

*crows in un-ladylike fashion* I am the winningest winner evaaaaaah.

*ahem*

Patience is definitely a virtue, the satisfaction of him messaging me before I messaged him was -so- worth it. (Isn't that terribly juvenile of me?)

It's very interesting...because I am don't 'like like' him, I'm very relaxed and honest with him, which is kind of refreshing- I'm not scared to tease him a bit and give him a little bit of attitude when I feel like it, just for fun. It's good, perhaps I should carry this over into my regular relationships?

He's a total smartass, but I've been being the same and it's excellent fun. I'm surprised I didn't drive him mad today, to be honest- in bed all day, and we haven't actually had sex yet. (Yes, I'm a mean lady, but I love the anticipation.)


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The strange dichotomy of chemistry...

That right now, since I've had a few beers, I could either go for a nap... or text csp boy and get laid, and I am having trouble choosing!

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Complaints that aren't really complaints...

Sweet Jesus do my nipples hurt!

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The white flag...

Okay Steph I agree- Myspace is totally the devil- I have had too much Myspace related angst in the last week. Gawd, dealing with text messages was enough, now I've got a whole 'nother medium of communication to deal with!

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The hormones have taken over!

Just thinking about stuff from the weekend... maybe I'm being naive but the things he said were so the right things, so sexy, either he was sincere or he's reallllll practised. (Gee, I wonder!)

It's strange- at first I wasn't that keen, like I mentioned, but I could see him thinking on how to make a move, and it was fun to watch. We cuddled a lot first, but by that point I was absolutely -dying- for him to kiss me. He's a pretty good kisser- light, teasing. Actually, he is an excellent tease. And there's not much I adore more than a good tease.

Just little things, I tell ya...god the chemistry was great. My head keeps coming back to yesterday, in my bedroom... he pulled me over on top of him, noticed I wasn't enjoying being on top- the way he rolled me over instantly, pinned me under him with one knee. Fuck it was hot. We were kissing and rubbing against each other, pretty hard and intense, and I was panting and gasping as I do... he asked if it was going and further, and when I said it wasn't going to today, so we slowed down a little... when he rolled off he laughed and said 'That was almost too good.' I love it.

He told me he loved how I responded, and how soft my tongue was... hot little things that get my ego going as well as my hormones. He had a great ass... a lovely AFL body- all hard and wiry muscles, long and lean and not too bulky...gawwwwwd. I have been awash with hormones since, it's terrible but so GOOD at the same time.

*grin*

Ciao kids,

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Mary Mary quite contrary redux...

The Hallween party was fun.

I am experiencing bizzare mental contrary-ness at the moment. Met a boy at the party, who I would not want to date, but I had a bit of a thing with (the chemistry was good!) and now my brain is being all funny about it despite me not liking him 'that way' at all!

I am all stressin out cause he didn't add me to his myspace or anything. (I know, I am having myspace related angst. Somebody should shoot me.) Here's the short version:

Current Stresses About The Boy (Who I Don't Actually Even Like Anyway, But Would Like to Have a Casual 'Thing' With)

1) He was on myspace yesterday (the last login date told me so) and totally didn't friend me, even though he is friends with my friend and nooo *wail*...
2) I was planning not to friend him. Cause that would be chasing, and I am not a chaser, yo!
3) I cracked and did so anyway. Cause, I am, in fact, apparently a chaser.
4) So now, I am totally sitting here constantly refreshing my myspace in the hope that he has accepted my friend request etc etc, (cause myspace tells me he's online) and left a comment, despite, aforementioned NOT ACTUALLY LIKING HIM!
5) Continued madness- he left a comment on the myspace of this girl he mentioned, while he was online, but didn't friend me. Farking hell! I quit, shoot me!
GAWD, brain chemistry is stupid, yo!
*shoots self in head*

Now the long version:

He's a friend of a friend- as soon as he got there a few of the girls at the party took their turns picking him up. I thought about it, but with all the competition and all, I opted out- I hate to chase, especially if I'm not that keen.

Of course, given that he was one of the only single boys there (that I was even slightly keen on) after he passed over all the other girls I got curious (and competitive!) and decided to have a go. I had chatted to him a few times through the night, testing the waters, but he had not seemed all that receptive (or very interesting) and a few of the girls at the party had decided he was gay.

So I say to my mates 'Alright, this is his lastchance, if he doesn't respond now, I am SO going out to get laid elsewhere!' (I was kind of randy, ok?) Went out on the balcony to talk to him, he responded well enough, we chatted, he asked for my number, said he had to go to another party (he had promised to go back, he left it to come to ours and stayed longer than he said he would) so I was like 'Yep, alright.' So the party continues for an hour or so, I waltz about, he calls and asks if it's worth coming back. (cue me, affronted at such a stupid question) He returns, party slows down, him and I end up on the couch together, chatting with other people and the like.

*cue hours (more likely minutes) of wishing he would stop talking, and maybe just make out with me, cause you know those hormones are giving me trouble, and he's warm, male, and there, plus it's dark so I can't really see his face, and he's got a nice body okay?*

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we slept on the couch together (there was somebody in my bed) and ended up making out and the chemistry was excellent. This of course, did not prevent me from continuing to think that he was a bit of a twat, and possibly a manwhore to boot. (I hate them manwhores, eh.) Anyway, he hung around the next day with us til like five pm (even though I kinda wanted him to bugger off in the morning, except then we wouldn't have had hot makeouts on my bed later) and he said he'd msg me so I had his number, etc blah di blah di blah. (This is rapidly turning into the longest, ramblingest post ever.)

The intensity of this feeling, and the obsessive thinking type stuff is frightening- is it normally like this? Is it like this for normal people (ie. non bipolar people?)? I would be more accepting of it if I had you know, liked him as a person, but this is a bit ridiculous. I know my fondness for good chemistry has gotten me into trouble before (see Voldemort, the ex who shall not be named) but gawd. This whole bipolar thing is a little frightening- is this just mania? Or are these feelings 'normal'... whatever that means? Or is it just rebound...I hear you can get some pretty intense stuff for completely inappropriate rebound, what do you reckon guys?

Also, in case you were wondering, I don't want to date this boy...maybe just have some kind of nice 'arrangement' with him, y'know... casual sex buddies would be excellent!

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PLUS! I just looked at pictures from my ex's halloween party, held sat night, and it was much huger than mine, and some friends of ours who didn't go to mine went to his, so now I am having massive party inferiority complex. GAH!

Mary Mary quite contrary...

I am having the rather surreal experience of having a crush (obsessive thoughts, worrying about how he feels about me, etc) on someone that I don't actually like, as a person.

How odd.

Is that even possible?

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'Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...'

Today I've been thinking a lot. (I know, you guys are like, so totally shocked!) About all sorts of things, many of them not solid or cohesive enough to turn into their own blog post. At least, not just yet. Musings on my relationship and all that. You all know how fucked up you get after you break up with someone- in some ways I think it's worse being the dumper, because then there's always the tempting and torturous possibility of changing your mind.

As though changing my mind would fix something, as though just the act of breaking up could have somehow changed our relationship, changed all the problems- erased all those times when I spoke to him, needing something, and not getting it, whatever it was. I don't really understand it myself. Things just weren't there. It feels horrible- I've never had someone try so hard for me, give everything they had just to please me like that. For it still to not be enough makes me hurt so much.

I don't know if I could go back, go to him and say 'I'm sorry, I've changed my mind- can we go back to the way things were?' and hope that he would take me back. Mostly because while I want him back, I don't want to go back to the way things were- things were difficult, and I spent most of my time, especially when I wasn't with him, torturing myself for not feeling the way I wanted to- about our relationship, about him. And it was horrible. As much as he was the sweetest boy, and caring and giving...god, he gave so much to me, it just wasn't enough. I don't know why... all that time I spent trying to make myself love him. I know, it seems so stupid now- you can't make yourself love someone, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much they might deserve it. I guess you especially can't love someone just because they love you. How different would the world be if you could?

To think all this musing started from some boy's smile on TV. His smile reminded me of the boy somehow, in some way, and I started thinking about how my early relationships have shaped (and are shaping) the kind of boy I'm attracted to. That little smile he had...I don't know what it was about it, just something. Some feeling, some association I made- that little smile makes me think of the good things- when he was giving, and sweet and forgiving and a soft place to fall. I still want that quality in someone else, and I've pegged it to the visual of that little, slyly subtle mousey smile. Crazy, I know.


I've been trying to reclaim my music today, too- some songs that I sort of associated with the boy, listening to them and ignoring the pain, trying to make them -mine- again. They were mine once, and I want them back. Some really sweet powerful songs- like Matis Yahu's "King Without a Crown" and other sillier ones like Wiseacre's "Girl With a Hole In Her Pants"... actually probably neither of those songs were ever just mine, since I discovered them while I was with the boy. But I want them to be mine now. It's hard though, King Without a Crown, while it dragged me out of some (of the many) deep holes I'd gotten into, making me hopeful and optimistic, is still mostly associated with the times I listened to it with the boy- in front of the computer, turned up loud, my back pressed against his chest, his arms around my waist- swaying gently and singing along. Him in that silly whispery little voice of his.

Wiseacre's memories are a bit less silly, even though the songs aren't- it was the first gig we went to together (while we were together, anyway, we both went to The Herd separately before we were going out, and met up with mutual friends there) and even though I was expecting to have a miserable time (because I was miserable) it was fantastic- we danced and cuddled and it filled me with hope and optimism for us- the belief that yes, I could feel the way I wanted, if I really wanted.

I think one of the scariest things at the moment is the possibility that the only reason I didn't love him was because of my anxiety/depression, rather than him just being someone I couldn't love. I am really scared of that, because if it's true then it means I might never fall in love with someone I can actually have. It might sound ridiculous, but it seems very real to me- was it just 'not right' or did I just cut myself off from my feelings somehow, unconciously, because I was too scared?

At first, the first night we met, and our first date (non-official) things were fantastic, the feelings were all there and right and stuff- it wasn't til I had the freak out on that weekend that I stopped having feelings for him. At least I think so- but it's a chicken/egg question, really- did I stop having the feelings cause I freaked out, or did I freak out because I stopped having the feelings? I always felt like it was the second one, but shrinks and friends all reckon that maybe the anxiety and the depression started first, and made me not feel, I tried very hard to believe them- thinking that once I got done being depressed/anxious I would like/love him again.

I don't know. I know that getting to know someone better, and maybe deciding they aren't who you thought they were is just part of the process. But it all seemed so sudden- although I got a bit stressed out at him (while drunk) on the friday night before our date, about some Suicidegirls thing (I stressed that I wasn't 'alternative' enough for him) things were okay then, and then suddenly saturday WHAMMO while talking to him, I start feeling like I'm humouring him, and I don't want to be humouring him- I want to find him interesting and fascinating, especially on our second bloody date, so I freak out. He's really sweet about it. And seven (nearly eight) months later, here I am, trying to figure out the same problem that plagued me from the start. I don't want this relationship to be something that I will always not quite understand, you know? Was he just 'not right' for me? Was it just that I didn't like him? Or did I really feel for him, and somehow un-conciously drive those feelings away?

I'm so lost and scared right now, and rambling, so that's it.

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Boys = troublemakers!

So I get a drunken (I think) email from an ex this morning, about how much he misses me. I wouldn't go there again, I just wasn't attracted to him in real life (met him online) but it still makes me feel like a big meanie.

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