Tuesday, January 31, 2006

And back to our regularly scheduled programming...

On advice from a (the?) regular reader I'm posting this picture despite my inner perfectionist screaming that it's not good enough, just to maintain (hopefully) some kind of readership... at least a viewership!

Yes, I know, it's my pretty little ass again, and still a bit blurry, but it was a spur of the moment photoshoot on my way to bed, it was dark, and flash into a mirror just doesn't work, babes!

I'm sure you'll enjoy it anyway- lovely wavy hair of mine in there as well, that's got to be good, right?


In other news- Phd has propositioned me twice in the last little while, and I've turned him down. Maybe I really am over casual sex. *le sigh*



Monday, January 30, 2006


There's such a taboo surrounding childhood sexuality that I'm hesitant to make this post- I'm not sure how it'll be recieved . If you have any questions or issues with anything I've said feel free to comment.

The earliest 'sexually arousing' thoughts I remember having involved humiliation.

At the time of course I didn't register it as sexual arousal- it's only in retrospect that I am aware that the delicious little tingle I felt when imagining humiliating scenarios was arousal.

I was a bit of a tomboy; not your soccer-playing-tree-climbing kind of tomboy, but certainly not a lace and bobby socks kind of girl, so these scenarios usually involved me being forced to put on feminine costumes- tutus, pink, and, well, lace and bobby socks, and being put in front of an audience- for example I once imagined being forced to dress in a lamb costume and perform on stage.

I was so young that masturbation hadn't occurred to me yet. Or rather, I hadn't connected the feeling I got from these particular 'fantasies' to the physical act I had unconsciously engaged in since I was a toddler. Certainly at that stage the concept of 'orgasm' was foreign to me- I hadn't yet realised that there was some kind of endpoint to touching myself- it was simply an enjoyable sensation, like scratching a mosquito bite.

The fantasies themselves had no 'sexual' element- there was no nudity, no direct interaction with others (aside from my audience) and no sex. I often imagined things that made me feel good- little childish scenarios, scenes from my favourite novels with me as the main character, waking up and getting all the presents I wanted- at the time I considered this just another childish imagining. Looking back it was definitely arousal- at the time I only knew that I liked it. This feeling of weakness and trembling in the face of being humiliated.

Around the same time I also played a game with my best friend involving us making great big diapers out of towels and wearing them around. We only did it in private- we had some idea that our parents might not approve, but we were at the age when it was still acceptable for two friends to bathe together, so we didn't find it at all odd to do it together. I wasn't sexually attracted to my friend- at that age I hadn't really any concept of sexual attraction - it was purely the lovely and peculiar feeling I got from wearing the 'diaper' that I enjoyed. In time I would aim for the ultimate titillation, and 'wet' the diaper.

This activity, the wearing and wetting of the diaper was possibly the very beginning of my experimentation with sexual humiliation, without my even realizing it- it wasn't the urine itself, peesex isn't one of my current fetishes, it was the act of doing something shameful and dirty, being a naughty, transgressive girl.

I was a well behaved child, perhaps that's why I so enjoyed the humiliation, feeling like a naughty girl, as an opportunity to break out of my little shell. I'm still relatively well behaved in an every day sort of sense - I rarely drink to excess, I've never tried cigarettes, or anything else, I'm polite and friendly, I don't pull wings off flies or torture kittens; you get the picture- so even now I enjoy being let out of my cage- especially the element of being -forced- to be different- I'm a dirty little slut because my Master makes me so, makes me ache and whimper and squeal and plead for him, he brings it out of me, something I would otherwise keep hidden. It's not that I'm not -naturally- a dirty little slut- I am, I just keep it hidden, but in my Master or Mistress' hands I can't do anything of the sort.

What do you think?

PS. In my attempt to be a good girl in terms of copyright, the picture within the picture isn't taken by me- it's a photograph from the November issue of Australian Black and White Magazine. I can't find the issue to find out the photographer's name, but if anybody knows, let me know!


Wednesday, January 18, 2006

When I was seventeen...

This post over on Bondage Blog made me wonder about the human body's propensity to panic.

I once experienced this myself- once when I was seventeen my boyfriend and I were wrestling on the couch at my place. We were both virgins, so it was mostly just play, although I knew about my fetishes in an abstract sense already. At some point in our play he rolled me onto my back and had me pinned down- I was giggling and enjoying the fight, not at all worried prior, then suddenly my body jolted into instant 'flight' mode- my heart pounded, panic rushed through me, I started to hypeventilate and I had to shove him off me and calm down. I got a little emotional, the panic was so sudden and thorough I couldn't help it.

I can imagine how distressing that would be during a scene- it hasn't happened to me yet, surprisingly, considering the people I've played with and my own personal tendency towards anxiety and panic, but it could.


Sunday, January 15, 2006

All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces...

You're right Charon- at least a little bit of this going off casual sex has to do with the action I had earlier this week. Well, if it wasn't the cause, it at least propelled me further along this path.

Phd came back from interstate earlier this week, we met up, and of course, we had sex. It was good enough, although I struggled to reach orgasm a bit, we talked a lot, to be honest the way I am feeling right now, and was then, I preferred the conversation.

You know how people sometimes say of things that their heart isn't in it? That's how I am right now- I could continue to have sex with Phd, and for the most part get physical enjoyment out of it, but my heart's just not in it. And I want it to be. Once again I mentioned dating to Phd, but he said he was too busy. It's okay, I'm not sure I really want to date him- it's just that he's the closest thing to someone dateable that I know.

I want to be with someone that has respect for me. Phd expected me to walk to his place from the pub (about twenty minutes) alone, in the middle of the night. Doesn't seem like he respects me that much.

I find feeling respected is all the more important in interactions that involve submission & humiliation, don't you?

In other (slightly less intellectual) news, yes, there will soon be a change of avatar, and maybe some other photos forthcoming- after all, I spent all that money on lingerie and camera, there must be some kind of overlap! ;)

Gotta wait til I have a day free though- I work weekends, and find my job quite draining- so I come home at six pm and it's all I can do to sit here and type.

On that note, I run away.



Saturday, January 14, 2006

A bird in the hand...

I'm going through a bit of a mental mindfuck, at the moment- I think I might be going off casual sex.

I don't have any moral objections to it, of course, but I've been craving a different kind of intimacy.

*grins* Perhaps I have just replaced men with Mr Cliteriffic- he and I are quite close now. *wink* Just to illustrate further how big it really is, and to show off the lovely picture quality of my shiny new digital camera, here's a picture.

Look how huge it is compared to me! I feel like such a dirty little whore now that I can fit that inside me, and I love it.

So if this strange mental flip to not being into casual sex continues, expect more fiction and more climbing-the-walls-style craziness around here- cause god knows, I never want it more than when I can't get it!

PS. g got some action this week- more on that later.



Monday, January 09, 2006

Fever in the morning, and it's making me fret, cold turkey from beats and it's making me sweat, I'm upset...

You might be wondering how my couple-date went.

Alas I was having a loopy day (happens sometimes, someone as gorgeous as me can't be normal, surely?) so I bailed, and spent the night chilling on the couch watching Gilmore Girls. We've rescheduled to Sunday, so hopefully that goes well!

In other news, I had a date today with a man who loves watching me on webcam and noticed that I enjoy it when he directs my on camera actions. A good sign, I think.



Friday, January 06, 2006

Incident of fangirly squealing # 437...

My humble little blog got a mention on Naked Loft Party!

*squeals like a schoolgirl for the millionth time today*

So thanks to Lex for the mention, and hello to anyone reading this who made their way over thanks to him- don't be shy, say hello!

I don't bite, much. (Really I prefer to be bitten. *grin*)


You can leave your hat on...

This post comes to you from my room, with me sitting in my computer chair naked but for the towel on my head.

Aside from all my philosophical musings I thought you'd like an update on my hormones- they are the fun ones after all.

I have taken the cliteriffic jelly penis for a few more test rides since I last mentioned it, and I adore it.

Fucking myself with it involves copious amounts of lube and inch by inch squeezing, sometimes it feels so big it leaves me gasping.

It all makes me feel so deliciously submissive- it's actually so big that it's quite difficult for me to squeeze my pussy muscles around it- my favourite activity when there are other more...organic...things inside me- so not being able to squeeze just makes me feel all the more helpless and impaled.

I can barely imagine how I'd feel if somebody was using it on me. Actually I can imagine, and do, often. *grins*

And when it's finished with me (it's so big that seems more appropriate than 'when I'm finished with it'!) I get to go to sleep covered in lube and my pussy juice, feeling deliciously dirty and slutty.

*sigh* Hmm, perhaps I need to give it another test drive, just to be sure... *wink*

In other news, I have a hot date with a good looking couple tommorrow night. Wish me luck!



Wednesday, January 04, 2006

When I am with you I feel flames again...

I'm not sure I can do your comment justice, anonymous, but I'll do my best.

I think you're right- a thorough spanking would definitely do the trick for my grumps sometimes- especially when they're just due to tiredness or laziness. All I need is a sensitive & stubborn enough individual to ignore my protests and possible tantrums in favour of getting the job done.

Certainly the 'aftercare' is probably the most important part of the process- in submitting, sometimes I get taken so far away from who I am in everyday life, I need a lot of help to get back. Especially in activities that involve humiliation and name calling, (which I love) when I'm reduced to nothing more than his dirty begging little slut, it's especially important for him to reassure me that I'm still his girl after.

That was the problem with what happened with aforementioned Mr. Chemistry - there's a fine line between being actually -used- and the kind of used that I enjoy, and it's all about post-act treatment. With a man I'm involved with, who treats me like his princess when I'm not busy being his slut, being used like that would probably get me hot- if he came on my tits like that and scooped it up and fed it to me, telling me I'm his good little slut, then sending me off to work horny and aching for him.

As for setting boundaries, I'm usually pretty good with that, though as is my nature I often allow them to be pushed (as we've seen). Often I enjoy having my boundaries pushed- the transgressive nature of it really turns me on.

As for the type I need- like I mentioned in that last post, I am a sucker for the footballer type- big muscular types who can throw me around. I had some profound thought about how I am fascinated and scared by things stronger than me (ie. strong men, the ocean, my emotions) prepared but it's kind of fizzled out now. I haven't been too bad though in my attractions- while I adore looking at the big muscleheads with no brains, I've been out with some pretty intellectual sensitive individuals, and it's helped in the bedroom. Find me a musclehead with brains and I'm putty in his hands.

So yeah...that's all the profound thoughts I have energy for today. I hope that provides some food for thought/fantasising/something. *grins*

If that isn't enough, then perhaps telling you that I spent 250 dollars (Australian) on lingerie today will do it. Lovely colourful lacy confections, a black sheer set, a corset and matching bottoms set- I adore them!



Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I was sleeping in the sand with some dreams in my head that were causing an extension to the towel and my bed...

Thanks for such a thoughtful response to my last post, anonymous! I am a bit too tired to respond now, but I will think on it and get back to you, either here or via email. I'll tease for now and say that while a sensitive caring type would probably make a good spanko, I am known for my tendency to be more attracted to your varsity football type, unfortunately- part and parcel of me being both scared and fascinated by things much stronger than myself. Which I will talk more about in another post.

As for you, charon, I have to say that I am certainly not up for a spanking today- my ass is red and not from anybody's hands.

I fell asleep in the sand at the beach today. Obviously when I was applying the sunscreen I wasn' t thorough enough on the backs of my legs, because now they are bright red and aching, all the way from my ankles to the line of my bikini on my bottom.

Shoulda had a man along- I would imagine most men would be very thorough in applying my sunscreen to that particular region for me.

It was a nice day anyway...lying in the sand before I fell asleep, the wind was strong and firm on my skin, like I was being touched by a hand.

It made me imagine someone coming upon me, stroking up my body teasingly, from my feet, up my calves, rubbing the backs of my knees and and pushing my thighs apart to rub my wet bikini against my bare little pussy. Pressing my body forcefully into the sand, stroking me roughly, sliding those fingers inside me, making me gasp....

Now with that image in your heads (and mine), now that it's storming here, I must be away.


Monday, January 02, 2006

Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body...

It's amazing what the sight of a gorgeous naked torso does to my brain.

It all started with Lex posting this , continued with Falls Festival and finished with the aforementioned persistent gentleman sending me a photo of his chest and stomach.

I am a -big- sucker for washboard abs on a man. I have been since my very first boyfriend, J, who was very lean, and had lovely stomach muscles. The ex after him, not-so-affectionately known as Voldemort, had an even better stomach- I thought it was the best stomach in the world, and it caused me to falter in my resolve to not sleep with such a psychologically damaged & damaging creature many a time. Phd's stomach is much nicer than Voldemort's, and his skin is also to die for. He's also not at all bad for me psychologically, which is a plus. But anyway, back to the stomachs.

So yep, I am a huge sucker for it. Lex's photo sent my mind spinning- normally I prefer a bit more mystery, but the part of his cock I could see was so gorgeous all I could think about was running my lips and tongue down his hard stomach, and taking it into my mouth. That's what a good stomach does to me.

Once while I had Phd's cock buried in my mouth I got so distracted by looking at his absolutely divine stomach that I stopped what I was doing, and had to be gently prodded to keep going. God, I can't even find the words!

Voldemort's stomach only got me into trouble, Phd's sends me into bliss. Stomachs have a big effect on my brain.

At Falls Festival the men were ridiculously gorgeous, and largely shirtless, and tanned. It nearly did my head in - I don't know how they all got so tanned or so hot, I was absolutely blown away by how many of the guys there were incredibly good looking. And I didn't get EVEN ONE. Alas.

Now the Persistent Gentleman's stomach. Seeing it made me much keener to sleep with him. I can easily imagine running my tongue down that surface, my fingers following, teasing. What I do to a man's stomach is worship, just like what I do to his cock. My mouth and tongue and lips, my fingers, my cheek pressed against it. My hot breath teasing it. I love a man's stomach, a man's cock in my mouth, the scent of a man around me.

I wonder if PG's stomach will lead me into trouble, or if Phd will return from family commitments in time to save me?

Stay tuned to find out...


Maybe then you wouldn't get so sick of me...

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a man who would spank me when I'm being un-necessarily grumpy or petulant.

On the one hand, sometimes I get really stuck on a mood- even though I know it's irrational or silly to feel that way, I just can't get out of it, and I think the strong hand of a firm Master would certainly shake me out of that- being bent over his knee (interestingly I've never had a proper over the knee spanking) his hand shoving my shorts and panties down roughly, stroking over my skin, sliding between my cheeks to toy with my ass, teasing my pussy lightly before bringing his hand down hard on me. Perhaps I'd be so petulant that I wouldn't want him to tease me- he'd just have to go straight to spanking me, reddening my ass until I cried and begged for him to stop.

On the other hand, I've never been really easy to shake from a mood. While that particular method has never really been tried, usually if people try and fail I get irritated with them, and frustrated with myself- it wouldn't be good if my Master tried to spank me and it didn't work. But I suppose that's why he's the Master and I'm the slave- because he does what he wants anyway, it's not really spanking for my benefit.

If he wanted to spank me for being petulant, I wouldn't have a choice. So it might work.

What do you think?

Sunday, January 01, 2006

We'll take a cup o kindness yet, for auld lang syne...

I just got back from my New Years Eve festivities. Happy New Year everybody!

I will post about it doubtless soon, but I am a grumpy cow at current and taking it out on everybody else, so I'm going to bed so I can't do that anymore!

It's great to be back though.