Thursday, June 29, 2006

Whee birthday bounty begins!

So my first birthday score is a gorgeous pair of boots from my mommie, yay pointy black evil boots!

Pictures will be forthcoming.


Saturday, June 24, 2006


I'm gettin real tired of this cycle of misery. When is enough enough?


Thursday, June 22, 2006

Bork bork bork bork!

The Swedish people that live in my apartment building are having some kind of Swedish convention downstairs. Naturally being the culturally insensitive shit that I am, I immediately made some quip about putting a chef's hat on and saying 'bork bork bork bork!'

In other news, I got some guppies, but there were kittens at the pet shop and it made me sad not to be able to have a kitten. I want kitties!

*sigh* I'm so full of irrational thoughts sometimes- even though I have the boy, I ran into a cute boy at the pet-shop, and even though we didn't talk or anything, I suddenly started thinking about maybe I'm missing out on 'the one' (whatever that means) by being with the boy, is that wrong to think that way? Does everybody think like that, or am I particularly fucked up?



Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Cocktail, anyone?

I sometimes get a bit self-pitying and think that the world of anti-depressants is a bit bizarre and unfair- I mean, all medications have their side effects, but it does seem like sometimes they're not worth the trouble, you know? I mean, I am on Avanza/Remeron right now, and the side effects that bother me are the irritability, the constant hunger and the weight gain. That's really it. The occasional mania, the easily startled-ness, the sleepiness, the rapid heartbeat, the flu-like symptoms, that I can handle, so why isn't there a medication that only has side effects that I can handle, I mean, come on!

Here is a list of side effects I can live with:

-easily startled-ness
-tingly fingers/toes
-elevated heartbeat
-low blood pressure
-flu-like symptoms
-occasional mania

Here are some I do not want to live with:

-reduced sex drive (that's the biggie, huh?)
-irritability, or any other negative mood changes
-constant hunger/cravings
-weight gain
-massively increased anxiety/depression (well, come on, that just seems counterproductive, doesn't it?)

It just seems to me that there should be a medication that fits me perfectly!

*grins* You can tell I'm an only child, huh?



To give you an idea of the bizarre mental world I live in, here is a case in point:

Sometimes, when the boy smses me, I don't feel like replying and then start beating myself up for that, because I feel like I should want to reply. This results in me wishing he smsed less.

Now he has started smsing less, I am getting all insecure and uncomfortable, and getting annoyed about that too.

Bah! *throws hands up in disgust*


Monday, June 19, 2006

Dress me up, take your time, I'm your dolly....

So I've been thinking about playing around with costumes for a bit, cause it'd be a fun opportunity to make some costumes and please the boy. He really likes the whole french maid, naughty nurse, Japanese schoolgirl thing. (Mainstream, I know...I think it might be the only mainstream thing about him!)

I've been planning a costume for each, and bizzarely I'm kind of hoping that some parts of each will not just be for costume play, but be able to be worn in everday life. (Come on, I'm a poor student, I need to re-use!) In a way I thought that would also be kind of fun and kinky- once the boy has seen me dressed up as say, a french maid, to see part of that outfit out in the real world will remind him of that, and be a little bit fun, don't you think?

I'll be able to make most of the parts, cause I'm clever that way, except for the obvious shoes and stuff- I'm not that clever.

If you're lucky I'll post some piccies... got a lovely pic of my poor bruised behind around here somewhere, thanks to the last session we had on the weekend... he was majorly disciplinarian on me, it was delicious....*grins*

Bonjour for now,

gigi *wink*

Saturday, June 17, 2006

TMI Alert!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh massive pussy malfunction!

I have cystitis AND a yeast infection. This makes sitting through studying and exams FABULOUS fun.


In other news, I have been painting lately, and I want to do swing dancing.

And make clothes....

And write....

Anything other than studying, eh?


Monday, June 12, 2006

Procrastination update...

So I guess I should tell you all what's been going on to take me away from blogness, or at least, tell you in more detail since I've already said.

Hard to say really... I need to think about it a bit though so I'm going to try and come up with something before Scrubs comes on teev.

The whole relationship thing, I'm not so good at, I guess... met a boy, liked him, wanted more, had a week of pure bliss, then got anxious about it while I was tired and hung over, and I've been on this emotional roller coaster ever since. First it was just anxiety, but as usually happens, after a while I got terribly depressed too, and here we are.

It will sound terribly melodramatic to say, but I feel like no one has ever had anxiety about this particular thing...I guess just because I don't know anyone who has, so it seems a little like I'm a freak.

See, unlike most people, I'm not worried that he really likes me, or that he's cheating on me or some shit like that, I'm worried that I don't like -him-.

A few posts back I mentioned 'the feeling' you know, the buzz the zing, the butterflies...and I had those with him initially but the anxiety totally killed that, and now we've been together for four months so it's a bit past the butterflies stage, so yeah.

I know it seems so stupid to not be sure if I 'like him' cause, y'know, you either do, or you don't... but for me it's a bit more like 'yeah, you feel like you don't like him, but is that because you actually -don't- or because your anxiety/depression means you have trouble feeling a whole helluva lot?' It's pretty tough, I get a lot of guilt sometimes when I'm feeling not sure. It's pretty dumb, I've been pretty irritable the last few days, I dunno if it's my medication or just stress from exams and stuff, but everytime I get irritated with him I absolutely panic and start thinking about breaking up. He's a terribly sweet boy, and attractive and kinky and caring etc, but when I get depressed/anxious that all goes out the window in favour of 'sometimes we don't talk as much as I'd like, sometimes he's a bit of a grump, sometimes he gets easily stressed' and these things seem so huge and insurmountable, and I crave the (relative) simplicity of my single life, even though I was lonely and even the initial stages of dating for me are usually a bit hellish cause of my anxiety.

He's so understanding of my anxiety and tolerant of my moods as well, I can barely comprehend it sometimes- I'm so busy being intolerant of his every little flaw and all he is is open and understanding and giving and working so hard to cheer me up most of the time, it just kills me. Why do I have to be such a grumpy shit?

I know it's very likely my medication- I'm on Avanza (Remeron) and from when I first started taking it I noticed a bit of irritation, and now it seems to be getting worse. I guess it's a bit of russian roulette with medications- I was on Prozac, and that was a bitch for the first week especially, and afterwards I just felt kind of weak, and the no-sex drive thing really drove me up the wall (or not, as you prefer) I don't want to be on a medication that destroys my sex drive, goddammit. This one's side effects, aside from the irritability, are okay- I have increased appetite which is bad, cause I'm a tad more pudgy than I was before I started, and I'm sleepy a lot, but that's okay, means I get loads of sleep doesn't it!

But yeah... I'm calling my Dr. tommorrow to ask about the irritability, it's a bit unpleasant being a grumpy shit really, I am really starting to consider going no meds now that I've tried two that don't really work- I am not sacrificing my sex drive again, that was shite. But yeah, we'll see how I go...probably going no meds just seems like a good idea because I'm buoyed up by the medication. woot!


Monday, June 05, 2006

Your wayward blogger returns....

Howdy everyone... or someone, if there's anybody reading this.

I know I've been gone a while kids, things have been a bit tough for me lately. They might still be but I'm feeling good today, so that's a start, isn't it?

A lot's changed in my life since I lasted posted- I've got a steady boyfriend now, swanky new digs in the city here, I crashed my car so my car-stereo ambitions have been put on hold...all in a day's work for your g.

Right this minute I'm engaged in chocolate fuelled study/procrastination for exams coming up, so I'll probably still post sporadically, but it's better than not at all, no?

And yes, having a steady boyfriend means deliciously regular sex...and he's kinky like me, and dominant, so I adorrrreeeee it.... I managed to go to work today with a bit of you know what in my eyelashes...tee hee...

So just a quick hello for now, to see if there's anyone still out there!