We interrupt your regular programming for a public service announcement...

As an expert on all the fun toys, I must reccommend that you all visit ooshka.com, my favourite online luuuuurve related window shopping destination. Sadly they're closing down, but that means bargains for us, I got nearly a hundred dollars worth of stuff for 38 bucks!

g

(Yes, there will be a post about my weekend eventually. Just gotta be not tired to do it.)

Just a quickie...

Cause I'm at Uni at the moment, waiting for my next lecture to start. Probably the first of many, many blog posts from uni when I'm meant to be doing something else. *grin*

Had a fairly eventful weekend, which I'll tell you about later, not sure when though- you know how sometimes when something is 'in the works' you don't want to talk about it because you might jinx it? It's like that. (Yes, I'm funny like that too.)

Anywho, off to the bakery to try my luck at getting a nice sandwich.

g

Stirring the pot....

Ahh, I am sooooooo toey right now. Can't think proper thoughts except for sex ones.

Probably not helping that I am musing over an as yet un-written blog post about how the physiques of my first few relationships shaped what physiques I am most attracted to now... mm, physiques, must go stare at picture of Lex now.

g

I am so addicted to the internet...

I don't want to be online, but look, here I am! Stubborn against myself, is that even possible?

Just thought I should share with you guys one of my favourite addictions, one which I am not quite so conflicted about as the internet. It's a webcomic, so if it's not your thing, feel free not to click... however, I can't go past any webcomic that comes up with lines like 'Steaming human entrails are murder!'

You'll probably have to churn through the archives to catch up with the story, but it's a fantastic way to waste time!

So now I'm kicking myself offline to do something productive like paint, or laze on my ass on the bed and read, or stare into space thinking saucy thoughts.

Ciao,

g

Feeling kinda wistful and sad...

...after reading this post over at Chickybabe's blog... I remember interactions like that, and I miss them, I haven't had one in while...*sigh*

Whoa, was that angst? In my blog?!!? Wow, man, my indie cred just skyrocketed.

In other news... stopping by for the O-week festivities at my uni made me feel so OLD, and I'm only twenty. I can't start feeling old yet, can I?

This girl talked to me (first years are so much friendlier than us jaded whores of fourth years) and when I said I was in fourth year she was like 'WOW!' as if I was some kind of alien species. Not deliberately of course, sweet girl, but jeez.

Am I allowed to look at boys in first year? In high school they were still KIDS when I thought I was all grown up! The worst thing is some of them look young enough that I don't -want- to look at them. I didn't think there was anything worse than perving on first years, but there is- and it's not having the desire to perve on them. *gasp*

Didn't really enjoy the crowds, stopped by once (okay, maybe three times) in the hope of chatting to Phd at his society's stall, but no dice... picked up my union diary and one for the bestie, and then buggered off.

I also got a nasty letter from Centrestink today, demanding I explain why my academic circumstances don't fit into their tight little boxes. (Ooh, sounds rude!) Please don't stop paying me Centrestink, I only just started getting money from you guys and I neeeeeeeed it!

g

I am so judgemental...

Do you ever have one of those moments where an acquaintance of yours is telling you about how much sex they're having, and you think they're lying because, well, you don't find them attractive so surely nobody else would want to have sex with them?

Or am I just bitter and twisted cause I'm sexless?

(Yep folks, that's right, I had sex on Sunday and already I'm complaining about being sexless. I will truly blog about anything.)

g

g:1 modern technology: 0

Up to the minute thoughts straight out of g's brain:

"I can't answer the phone, my cornflakes would go soggy!"

g

An Open Letter to the Boys I Have Dated/Will Date,

To Whom It May Concern,

Three things that will not make me change my mind about rejecting/dumping you:

1) Acting like an obnoxious ass afterwards, just because you can. This only serves to convince me that I did, in fact, make the right decision in the first place.

2) Crying/telling me in lurid detail how miserable you are. I am not a heartless bitch, I didn't decide to reject you out of hand. That said, I am not your mother either, so throwing a tantrum isn't going to make me change my mind.

3) Begging. This should be self-explanatory, especially coming from me.

4) Parading your latest conquests to me, in the form of copy + pasting conversations, sending me photos, talking un-subtly about your 'hot date/dates'. I am not a child. This will not make me suddenly overwhelmingly jealous/envious and want you back. Great, you've moved on, have a gold star!

5) Actually, anything. I don't change my mind. The decision was hard enough in the first place without me going and bloody changing it. SO STOP TRYING!

g

It's not so much that the thrill is gone, it's just a cleaner, sweeter, brighter thrill has come along....

Okay, nope, still definitely over casual sex.

It was Phd and I, of course. During my drunken revelry on Friday night I'd had a moment of unidentified urge (boredom? weakness? nostalgia?) and smsed him, and we had a bit of a chat, I mentioned I was over casual sex, he mentioned that he was dissappointed because he'd been really keen to do it at uni, and that set a little candle burning in my brain. (Gee, I lasted a long time, didn't I? All of two days. Bwahaha...) Sometime last night I smsed admitting that I was tempted by the notion, to which he replied, 'I'm here all night.' and the rest, they say, is history. *grin*

I of course, being the fabulous and thoughtful individual that I am, changed into some sexy sheer black lingerie and packed a few toys before leaving...because god knows life is better when you're dressed and equipped appropriately. *grin*

We decided on the labs at his office as our ultimate location- we considered the office itself but the labs seemed better- less clutter and big one way mirrors instead of walls, a few chairs and a desk, which we made thorough use of. It was a little awkward at first...normally there's some kind of natural transition between chatting and sex, casual touching and the like but this just wasn't the place or the time for it, and we both felt the need to comment on how weird it was.

I'd love to write it up into a nice little story for you guys but the fact that I didn't really -love- it means I don't have as much impetus to write, and it seems dishonest to write it up as though it was fantastic when it wasn't. Maybe in a few days when I've got a bit of distance I can make it slightly fictional for you instead.

Don't get me wrong, it was good sex. I had a little trouble reaching orgasm but we pretty much did it in every position possible- on the chairs (both stationary and spinny, ooh!) on the desk, on the floor, me on top, him on top, from behind, played with a couple of my toys (vibe, blindfold, mini latex flogger) but it was just lacking a certain something. Closeness. Intimacy. Synchronicity. Adoring and being adored... not having to wonder what he thinks of me when he's got me kneeling on the floor in front of him all glistening and mussed.

In the absence of a lovely blow by blow *snicker* description, I'll give you some amusing tidbits from the evening:

-Me being inexplicably embarrassed at the petrol station about having to buy condoms...despite my usual gleeful purchases at the local sex shop.

-The moment when, in the process of sliding across the table I hear and feel paper crinkling under my neck, and look up confusedly, only to be told jokingly 'Oh, that's only my Phd...don't worry about it!'

-The way he kept saying 'I fucking love uni!' enthusiastically mid-thrust.

- The way he said 'We could do anal!' in an oh-so-helpful manner when I was having trouble coming, as if that would be some kind of favour to me, and not the one thing he's always at me for.

-The post-sex awkwardness- standing by my car before I left, me demanding annoyedly 'What, are we gonna shake hands now? C'mere, I want a grope!'

-The fact that this actually worked to get me said grope, so I hugged him, groped him, ran my fingers over his stomach somewhat wistfully, patted it, and said, "I'm gonna miss this."

I am of course all giggly and pleased with myself for having had sex on university property- can't beat the novelty factor there, though the prospect of being caught didn't get me off. Apparently that's not one of my particular kinks.

So ultimately it was a fun experience, that I'd repeat with the right person, but not in a casual sex context. I want more. Strange but true, huh? I can barely imagine how delicious all the desire I feel for Phd would be in combination with the giddy feeling of love/infatuation...it'd be intense to meet someone with whom I had both. I can't wait.

g

PS. There was about a paragraph of my raving about how much I adore Phd's body in the draft of this post, but for some reason it didn't seem to fit. Odd, huh? Maybe another time.

Piers Anthony has an excellent understanding of the world...

...and a flattering one too!

"It's the flip side of my nature. Those who are most capable of driving a man wild with longing, also are capable of annoying him beyond endurance."

The Demoness Sire, p 39, Faun & Games.

Hehehe!

g

PS...Still trying to get that post about last night out for ya...it's proving a little ungainly, wanting for editing etc etc...but I promise, soon.

Heehee...

I apologize for the mammoth post down there.

And perhaps my statement that I was over casual sex was a little premature. I am about to go and fulfil my ambition to have sex on university property.

Whee!

g

I'm looking for inspiration, and I think I've found it in your arms...

Yay, back to song lyrics as post titles... I am AWESOME. *ahem*

So yeah, firstly to tackle my accidental tease in the last post... I was quite tired whilst writing, I am pretty sure I had every intention of saying what the decision was, but likely got sidetracked.
I decided not to date the boy anymore. He's sweet and nice, and funny and interesting but that spark is missing. Which drives me absolutely crazy. What IS that spark? Why can't I live without it? Or, perhaps more correctly, as I'll discuss later, why can't I live without it anymore?

Yesterday, in the usual soul searching that happens when I decide to reject someone, I had to wonder about what I was looking for, and how that might compare to what I should be looking for. Sometimes (especially after talking to my mother) I feel like I should I be looking for someone who meets 'The List' of criteria, so I can tick them off and say 'Yes, in having this person I have everything I want.' However I've met a few people like that, and it just feels soul-less to me. They are nice, and smart and interesting (I typed 'interested' then, accidentally- Freudian much?) but there's just -something- missing. Which brings me to 'the feeling'.

It's taken me a long time to even learn what that feeling is, and I imagine in ten years time I will have a completely different conception of it. You probably know the one I mean. The best description would be the butterflies in your tummy feeling. It's not just sexual chemistry...I've had that and it's different, it's everything... thinking about the person makes you fly, the heady endorphin (or dopamine, if you believe National Geographic) fuelled feeling that makes you think you could take on the world.

I've experienced it, that's true. Unfortunately never in any situation which has led to a relationship. I'll give you a bit of background, so if you're bored with the Backstory type stuff, then feel free to skip this bit.

I've really only had three relationships. I've dated a bit, and fooled around, but only three people I would have called my 'boyfriend'. (Well actually only two, but the middle relationship was sufficiently damaging that I can't pretend it was just dating, or just sex.)

The first one was straight out of high school, and there was really nothing there, despite the fact that it lasted for a year. At the time I was naive, I had no idea how I was supposed to feel in a relationship...or perhaps more correctly, I had that idea but didn't think it really happened, or didn't think it was something that would happen to me.

The second one was fuelled by that most tricky of things, rampant sexual chemistry...always most intoxicating with the first person you mutually experience it with, and that's the relationship that was also very emotionally damaging for me, hence the shrink.

The third relationship was somewhat complicated. It was with a person I'd known online for a very long time (like, years long time) and whilst there was the greatest emotional intimacy that I'd ever experienced there, even before we met I wasn't sure I'd have that physical chemistry with him, as much as I hoped otherwise. I was optimistic however, because I met the second 'boyfriend' online, and when I first saw his photo I thought I would never be attracted to him, and look where that got me. So we met, and I tried my hardest....I adored him, and still adore him, though it's harder now...those hours of conversations with him online are where I honed my favourite fetishes, my habits, my sexual personality...as bizarre as that sounds. It didn't work out, of course- you can't fight your own lack of attraction to a person... things fell through, it was a pretty big adjustment for me after that- after five plus years of having constant emotional intimacy with someone, no matter what was happening in my life, having nothing was quite difficult.

Anyway, the sum of all that backstory is that I've never had the butterflies feeling in the context of a relationship. Bizarre, I know, but true. I've experienced it probably twice, and both times it was after dating, and the person didn't return the sentiment. I don't think the feeling is particularly mysterious- just the giddy high of really liking someone, so naturally I want it when I date someone, rather than just dating someone because they fit with 'The List'.

However it's pretty rare to get butterflies, I think, which makes sense, but it's kind of frustrating. The other problem is that I have realized that I don't expect the butterflies to happen for me... I don't like myself enough, or think I am likeable enough to meet someone who gives me those butterflies, and who will like me in return. Pathetic, non? But true. So there you go, that's why the feeling isn't on my list of criteria. So I end up dating boys who meet most of 'the list', but whom lack that 'zing' simply because I'm afraid I won't get it with anyone.

It never lasts long, of course...I tell myself I'm taking the time to get to know them, maybe that zing will come with time, but my anxiety or perhaps my instinct eventually gets the better of me, and I end it.

I want this post to have a point, something sweeping like 'So, in conclusion I will NEVER date someone if I don't feel that zing with them ever again' etc, but I have too many doubts, a few questions, which I'd hoped you guys might have some answers for.

Firstly, is the zing something that happens straight away, or can it come with time? That giddy feeling, normally I get it within a few hours of meeting a person if I like them, is that always the case? I've never personally had it come later, but I know I'm not the be all and end all of experience, so any tips?

Secondly, is it right to say I'll never date anyone just for the 'criteria', or in doing that am I ruling out some perfectly nice guys just because I want the zing?

Is it realistic to want butterflies with someone?

Even if it isn't, am I the kind of person who can do a relationship/dating without it, at least at first?

Thanks,

g

Yes, I know it's a little late in the year for a 2005 retrospective...

...but what the hell, I didn't do one, and it looks like fun!

Pinched from muchadoaboutsomething

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?

Realized that seeing a psychologist doesn't make you crazy. It makes you sane.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don't think so. I don't take much notice though, maybe? My friends aren't really at that age yet though.

3. Did anyone close to you die?

My great grandmother.

4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory?

Nowhere overseas, but I went down to Victoria for Falls Festival and it was fantastic!

5. Best thing you bought?

The hours at my shrink!

6. Where did most of your money go?

Books, cds, food!

7. What do you wish you had done more of?

Saved money.

8. What do you wish you had done less of?

Stressed.

9. What kept you sane?

Myshrink, my very good friends. Sleep, pilates, painting, music.

10. What drove you mad?

Me.

11. What made you celebrate?

Feeling like I was regaining my sanity.

12. What made you sad?

Any number of things. The stress I put myself through for little or no reason.

13. How was your birthday this year?

Really good, I love you guys!

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?

Voluntary student unionism. Down with VSU!

15. Where you in love in 2005?

Naw.

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?

A good long term relationship.

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?

Umm...since I seem to struggling to remember the exact date, I'll say the day I finally met the online beau of many years in real life, because that changed my entire existence in many ways.

18. What song will remind you of 2005?

TZU - She Gets Up and The Mountain Goats -This Year.

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?

Yes, for certain!

20. Biggest achievement this year?

Becoming a happier, more stable person.

21. Biggest disappointment this year?

I don't really have too many. I guess not making it into the Big Brother house.

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?

More sanity.

23. Best new person you met this year?

Hmm... the internet boy I guess, if you count people you hadn't met in real life before.

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?

When you are stressed, just ask yourself - 'Does it really matter?'- very little actually matters.

Just thought I'd give you a nice update.

In other news, things have settled down in my head. I made a decision about the boy I was dating, had a fun friday night, and here I am.

g

The pathology of (my) panic...

I'm not sure I should be posting this on what's supposed to be a sex blog, but hey, there hasn't been much posting about sex on here lately anyway...

So you've probably figured out by now that I have something of a problem with anxiety. In difficult situations, or even, dare I say it fairly normal situations (almost only involving boys) I tend to have panic reactions that are grossly out of proportion with what's -actually- going on.

Probably I could trace this back to one relationship I had, where I didn't really -like- the guy but allowed myself to get trapped by the sex and his neediness, and now I'm kind of terrified of being trapped again.

I've had a lot of help, I was on anti-depressants for a while, and I've been seeing a psychologist... so don't worry, onlywhenilarf, I'm not retreating into a little hidey hole or anything like that.

It gets hard though, I know I just have to bring myself back to reality, apply all the tricks my psychologist taught me- remind myself that this reaction is totally in-appropriate for the situation. But it's hard sometimes, fighting myself. Sometimes it feels like my brain -wants - to panic- this situation for example- I know it's no big deal- I had my first real life date with a guy I met online, who I had a really good connection with online. We didn't have quite that -click- in real life, although the date was fun, I haven't decided how I feel about him yet, or where I want this to go.

Seems reasonable enough, no? A simple matter of maybe a few more dates, to get to know him better, to be sure, and work from there. No reason to be afraid, or anxious or panicky. And I know this, logically I know, but my brain just won't let up- I wanted us to 'click' straight away, I want to be sure that I like him so I don't have to worry about this, be afraid of being trapped again.

It's also because I have this idea that if it's 'right', if I really like the boy, I won't get anxious. And I still don't really know if that's true or not.

I know logically that sometimes first dates, especially with people off the net, can be awkward and the dynamic can totally change after.

You always tell me to follow my instinct Charon, but unfortunately panic is a pretty deeply ingrained 'instinct' for me at the moment, and I have to -not- follow it.

Doesn't help that I'm run down at the moment with a cold, so the fuzzy head feeling that comes with anxiety, the feeling of not quite being in the world, is carried on by the blocked up feeling of the cold.

Look at me turning my molehills into mountains. It's so silly, I know it, but sometimes it's hard not to.

g

Something about a leaky boat...

Your g is feeling really anxious right now, the bad kind. So forgive me if I'm absent for a day or two, or as long as it takes for my head to get back to normal.

g

I know the whole internet has probably seen this by now...

...and it's a little bit inaccurate, but check it out anyway, it's SO AWESOME!

"Only in Kenya...forget Norway!"

Hehee...I have spent a considerable amount of time today bouncing and singing along...

g

A question for my readers...

I have a date this Saturday, and all seems to be going swimmingly, but I do have one question, that has plagued me on other dates similiarly-

Is it still traditional (and expected) for the gentleman in question to pick a girl up from her house before the date?

A bit of background- we're going on a date into the city, where he lives, whilst I live quite far out, so he would have to come get me, turn around, and then go back, which would take about an hour and a half of driving all up. He's offered to drive me home after (so I can drink, I'm only on my provisional licence) and otherwise is generally the perfect (and charming!) gentleman.

Should I be concerned? Am I over reacting? There's this little voice in my head whispering that if he -really- liked me, he'd drive out to get me. Is that nuts in this day and age?

g

...and another I liked just as much.

Those lines I was talking about...

It's not just my body, it's where I keep my heart, that's mostly it's difference from any other part...

It's very late here. Well, not very late, only 1.30, but that's quite late, and it always seems so much later when you can't sleep, don't you think?

Your girl's a little troubled- she quit one of her jobs not long ago, and hours haven't compensated at the other so finances are a little tight, which is never good in the leadup to the Uni semester. Of course, it's not a crisis- living at home means a roof over my head no matter what.

I'm just a little critter very good at stressing myself out, and that's what I'm doing right now. My brain doesn't want to sleep, it wants to worry. Doesn't help having copious amounts of sugar before bed, and also playing squash. Endorphins and sugar, should make me perky, but I'm starting to come down off the endorphins so I'm awake and worried instead. Thanks brain.

Been trying to combat the worry with yet another nerdy night in- in bed accompanied by a glass of milk, my National Geographic and Terry Pratchett. It worked for a while, until I got to the bit where I had to lie down and actually sleep. I wanted an early night tonight, to start normalizing my sleep cycle for uni, but no such luck. Better to be awake doing something than lying there not-sleeping.

Anyway, I ramble.

Ciao,

g

It's all about me....

So I've been idly searching for a good meme/quizzy type thing to post on here, and I can't really find anything good, despite the fact that I've done many in my time, I just don't have record of them!

Does anybody have any good ones, or, failing that, any pressing (or not so pressing) questions they'd like me to answer? Just because, you know, there's nothing I like talking about better than myself!

cia,

g