Humiliation

There's such a taboo surrounding childhood sexuality that I'm hesitant to make this post- I'm not sure how it'll be recieved . If you have any questions or issues with anything I've said feel free to comment.

The earliest 'sexually arousing' thoughts I remember having involved humiliation.

At the time of course I didn't register it as sexual arousal- it's only in retrospect that I am aware that the delicious little tingle I felt when imagining humiliating scenarios was arousal.

I was a bit of a tomboy; not your soccer-playing-tree-climbing kind of tomboy, but certainly not a lace and bobby socks kind of girl, so these scenarios usually involved me being forced to put on feminine costumes- tutus, pink, and, well, lace and bobby socks, and being put in front of an audience- for example I once imagined being forced to dress in a lamb costume and perform on stage.

I was so young that masturbation hadn't occurred to me yet. Or rather, I hadn't connected the feeling I got from these particular 'fantasies' to the physical act I had unconsciously engaged in since I was a toddler. Certainly at that stage the concept of 'orgasm' was foreign to me- I hadn't yet realised that there was some kind of endpoint to touching myself- it was simply an enjoyable sensation, like scratching a mosquito bite.

The fantasies themselves had no 'sexual' element- there was no nudity, no direct interaction with others (aside from my audience) and no sex. I often imagined things that made me feel good- little childish scenarios, scenes from my favourite novels with me as the main character, waking up and getting all the presents I wanted- at the time I considered this just another childish imagining. Looking back it was definitely arousal- at the time I only knew that I liked it. This feeling of weakness and trembling in the face of being humiliated.

Around the same time I also played a game with my best friend involving us making great big diapers out of towels and wearing them around. We only did it in private- we had some idea that our parents might not approve, but we were at the age when it was still acceptable for two friends to bathe together, so we didn't find it at all odd to do it together. I wasn't sexually attracted to my friend- at that age I hadn't really any concept of sexual attraction - it was purely the lovely and peculiar feeling I got from wearing the 'diaper' that I enjoyed. In time I would aim for the ultimate titillation, and 'wet' the diaper.

This activity, the wearing and wetting of the diaper was possibly the very beginning of my experimentation with sexual humiliation, without my even realizing it- it wasn't the urine itself, peesex isn't one of my current fetishes, it was the act of doing something shameful and dirty, being a naughty, transgressive girl.

I was a well behaved child, perhaps that's why I so enjoyed the humiliation, feeling like a naughty girl, as an opportunity to break out of my little shell. I'm still relatively well behaved in an every day sort of sense - I rarely drink to excess, I've never tried cigarettes, or anything else, I'm polite and friendly, I don't pull wings off flies or torture kittens; you get the picture- so even now I enjoy being let out of my cage- especially the element of being -forced- to be different- I'm a dirty little slut because my Master makes me so, makes me ache and whimper and squeal and plead for him, he brings it out of me, something I would otherwise keep hidden. It's not that I'm not -naturally- a dirty little slut- I am, I just keep it hidden, but in my Master or Mistress' hands I can't do anything of the sort.

What do you think?

PS. In my attempt to be a good girl in terms of copyright, the picture within the picture isn't taken by me- it's a photograph from the November issue of Australian Black and White Magazine. I can't find the issue to find out the photographer's name, but if anybody knows, let me know!

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