The Anti-Climax... (hee!)

So after all that, we didn't actually have sex.

The gig was awesome, The Dukes of Windsor are hot, you should check them out! Great music, good looking boys... and the audience was super hot too- so if you are already a fan of the Dukes, you can rest assured that I probably think you are hot. It was almost painful, looking at all the beautiful indie boys and wondering why I had invited AFL. Indie boys are the best kind.

AFL and I danced a bit, my body pressed back against his. It was lovely, he was tall and warm and solid, his head occasionally bending to kiss or nuzzle my hair. We aren't casual or relaxed in our touching yet, so touching him, and having him touch me, is still fraught with nerves and excitement. Which is actually lovely. The heady rush of touching and being touched is still there- after all there's never touching better than the first few times you do it. He is lovely to touch...some quality in his skin and muscles, some nameless thing that I don't find with everybody... chemistry, I guess you'd call it- I still tingle when I touch him. Perhaps that's why I invited him, rather than trying to pick up some beautiful indie boy.

We went home after the concert ended and started to watch The Grudge with a couple of mates but I just wasn't in the moment. It was nice to be cuddled up on the couch, but the movie wasn't scaring me at all. Perhaps the first sign that I was a bit worn out- I couldn't suspend my mental chattering long enough to be afraid of the movie, like I usually can.

Got to bed, both of us torn- the possibility of sex was hanging in the air, mingling with our mutual tiredness, making everything a bit cloudy and confused. We half-heartedly started fooling around, even though I for one would have been content to just press myself naked against the length of him, and doze. He was kissing his way down my belly, with me watching him, but I wasn't responding how I should. It was almost mechanical, and he sensed it. He kissed my hipbone, and then looked up at me.

"Something just doesn't feel quite right tonight." I smiled inwardly, pleased that he'd seen it, pleased that he agreed.
"I was thinking exactly the same thing." I said something inane about how we shouldn't have sex just because we can, but wait until we want to. He nodded. Everything was lovely and relaxed, I wasn't stressed, and it took at least twenty minutes for the thought 'Maybe he just doesn't want to have sex with me?" to cross my mind, and I supressed it. So we slept.

I am also being crazy possessive about him, with no right to be so- some chicks (hot chicks!) he met at some function ran into us in the Valley last night, and literally begged him to go out drinking with them, while I stood and waited for him to finish chatting, I got all freaky and weird about it. Grrr! Also stalking chicks he knows on Myspace. Yes, I'm sad, my little adventures into creepy-stalker-girl-ness make me wonder if this thing is more trouble than it's worth. Or perhaps I just crave more from him than I'm currently getting.

I am honest to goodness not sure- I don't know if I would want to date him, if that was an option. I had considered discussing it with him last night but the topic never came up, and for the moment I am happy to let it rest. Go figure, letting thing happen as they will, maybe I have grown up a little bit lately?

So after all that musing, I've hit low again. I'm sure it will pass and it's only very mild, but you know it's never nice. I was reading a blog post over at pretty dumb things about how much she loves anal (I share this love) and it made me miss the ex a lot- despite all the problems, we had a lot of similar likes in bed, and there was the comfort of being always, always wanted, no matter what. Which I've never really had before. Got a bit frightened of never finding someone I love, even though I know that's ridiculous- and I didn't love the ex anyway. Unpleasant, but true.

As you may have seen in the last post, I am a little afraid that maybe I -can't- fall in love. Or perhaps, more specifically, that I can't fall in love with someone who is actually available to me. I have fallen in love, but that one, the one who got away, despite our brief 'interaction' was pretty much always un-available to me. Mope mope, angst, etc. *ahem*


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Thinkity think think...

My housemate is freaking the shit out of me. He's had too much caffeine and has gone completely mental.

I am feeling a little shakey and on edge today (staying up til dawn reading probably has something to do with this) so forgive any possible incoherence.

(Some of this was written the day before yesterday, in case you hadn't already figured that out.)

Random Tidbits That I May or May Not Make Into Proper Posts:

1) There are a number of things that the CSP boy (lets name him...AFL) said and did while in the bedroom that I think should be sending up red flags, but possibly I am ignoring. Especially since, as I keep reminding myself, I am not planning to date him. Things like, he jokingly pretended to slip it in, after I had said no, using his thumb instead of his you know what. I wasn't all that impressed, seemed like a terrible joke. This makes him seem like a bit of an asshole. Am I being too uptight? There was other stuff, but I forget right this minute.

2) I think I might be getting a little bit of a crush on AFL. The need for reminders that I am not planning to date him, and the stalky myspace behaviour suggest this. Oh oh.

3) Despite all of this, in my typical mothy-flamey fashion, I am planning to text him tommorrow or perhaps Wednesday, to get laid. Cause, c'mon, it's still free sex with a hot boy. Even if he is an asshole, it doesn't matter, I'm not planning to date him anyway! When I first met him, the fact that I didn't really think that much of him was a bonus, cause it meant no problem with pesky things like falling in love etc. Hmm.

4) Umm, there is no four. Sorry dudes. Apart from, I am so screwed about uni, and for some reason I just don't care. I know that is horrific, but I think I have just blocked it out, and am pretending like none of it is happening. Frightening. I am thinking about un-enrolling, I've not been well for a bit of the semester, so hopefully that can be done.

5) Yep, that's definitely all I got for now. Breakfast time, kiddies.



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Shakespeare I'm not...

To booty call or not to booty call.

Now that's the fricking question.

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Oh, also...

I have a thing in my mouth. Some kind of weird oddly shaped lump. (I know, now you are all thinking I have herpes. But it's not a herpe, OKAY?!)

It's weird... but I chew on my lip sometimes while experiencing pleasures (tee hee!) perhaps it occurred sometime in the roughly 15 hours I spent in my bedroom on Saturday? Perhaps I was chewing in concentration during the 40 minute handy? (The fact that it took so long makes me suspect I was doing a bad job. Hehe, naw, not really. Screw it.)

There are other random tidbits about the sex stuff that I kind of want to post about, but for some reason I'm feeling a bit reticient. How strange.

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PS. Also after posting this I totally realized that you might have thought I meant I had a rude thing in my mouth. But I didn't, I swear. And boy, didn't that drive the csp boy mental. *giggle*

This is the post about that boy...a bit late, but better late than never, right?

I've been watching too much Harry Potter. I totally had the urge to say 'Mischief Managed' at the climax of a particularly vigorous episode in the bedroom. (Hey, 40 minutes of vigorous hand action and you'll go a bit silly too!)

I am absolutely tuckered out now. I had something mildly interesting to post about in relation to the whole thing with the csp, but it's slipped out of my head. Oh, wait...there it is...

*crows in un-ladylike fashion* I am the winningest winner evaaaaaah.

*ahem*

Patience is definitely a virtue, the satisfaction of him messaging me before I messaged him was -so- worth it. (Isn't that terribly juvenile of me?)

It's very interesting...because I am don't 'like like' him, I'm very relaxed and honest with him, which is kind of refreshing- I'm not scared to tease him a bit and give him a little bit of attitude when I feel like it, just for fun. It's good, perhaps I should carry this over into my regular relationships?

He's a total smartass, but I've been being the same and it's excellent fun. I'm surprised I didn't drive him mad today, to be honest- in bed all day, and we haven't actually had sex yet. (Yes, I'm a mean lady, but I love the anticipation.)


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The strange dichotomy of chemistry...

That right now, since I've had a few beers, I could either go for a nap... or text csp boy and get laid, and I am having trouble choosing!

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Complaints that aren't really complaints...

Sweet Jesus do my nipples hurt!

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The hormones have taken over!

Just thinking about stuff from the weekend... maybe I'm being naive but the things he said were so the right things, so sexy, either he was sincere or he's reallllll practised. (Gee, I wonder!)

It's strange- at first I wasn't that keen, like I mentioned, but I could see him thinking on how to make a move, and it was fun to watch. We cuddled a lot first, but by that point I was absolutely -dying- for him to kiss me. He's a pretty good kisser- light, teasing. Actually, he is an excellent tease. And there's not much I adore more than a good tease.

Just little things, I tell ya...god the chemistry was great. My head keeps coming back to yesterday, in my bedroom... he pulled me over on top of him, noticed I wasn't enjoying being on top- the way he rolled me over instantly, pinned me under him with one knee. Fuck it was hot. We were kissing and rubbing against each other, pretty hard and intense, and I was panting and gasping as I do... he asked if it was going and further, and when I said it wasn't going to today, so we slowed down a little... when he rolled off he laughed and said 'That was almost too good.' I love it.

He told me he loved how I responded, and how soft my tongue was... hot little things that get my ego going as well as my hormones. He had a great ass... a lovely AFL body- all hard and wiry muscles, long and lean and not too bulky...gawwwwwd. I have been awash with hormones since, it's terrible but so GOOD at the same time.

*grin*

Ciao kids,

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My libido is looking up too...

Perhaps staring intently, doing that bum wiggling thing your cat does just before it tries to catch wildly inappropriate prey.

After blogging (and some porn and all that that entails) last night, I went to bed, thinking of sleep, still coughing. I cuddled up to the boy and he moaned in his sleep, his skin was hot and silky and I wanted him.

After a moment's hesitation, (well, actually more than a moment, I had been thinking about going in and fucking him senseless while porning several minutes earlier) I thought 'Fuck it- what boy is going to complain about being woken up in the middle of the night for sex?'

I touched him, my skin tingled, and we fucked. Hello libido!

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