So I guess I should tell you all what's been going on to take me away from blogness, or at least, tell you in more detail since I've already said.
Hard to say really... I need to think about it a bit though so I'm going to try and come up with something before Scrubs comes on teev.
The whole relationship thing, I'm not so good at, I guess... met a boy, liked him, wanted more, had a week of pure bliss, then got anxious about it while I was tired and hung over, and I've been on this emotional roller coaster ever since. First it was just anxiety, but as usually happens, after a while I got terribly depressed too, and here we are.
It will sound terribly melodramatic to say, but I feel like no one has ever had anxiety about this particular thing...I guess just because I don't know anyone who has, so it seems a little like I'm a freak.
See, unlike most people, I'm not worried that he really likes me, or that he's cheating on me or some shit like that, I'm worried that I don't like -him-.
A few posts back I mentioned 'the feeling' you know, the buzz the zing, the butterflies...and I had those with him initially but the anxiety totally killed that, and now we've been together for four months so it's a bit past the butterflies stage, so yeah.
I know it seems so stupid to not be sure if I 'like him' cause, y'know, you either do, or you don't... but for me it's a bit more like 'yeah, you feel like you don't like him, but is that because you actually -don't- or because your anxiety/depression means you have trouble feeling a whole helluva lot?' It's pretty tough, I get a lot of guilt sometimes when I'm feeling not sure. It's pretty dumb, I've been pretty irritable the last few days, I dunno if it's my medication or just stress from exams and stuff, but everytime I get irritated with him I absolutely panic and start thinking about breaking up. He's a terribly sweet boy, and attractive and kinky and caring etc, but when I get depressed/anxious that all goes out the window in favour of 'sometimes we don't talk as much as I'd like, sometimes he's a bit of a grump, sometimes he gets easily stressed' and these things seem so huge and insurmountable, and I crave the (relative) simplicity of my single life, even though I was lonely and even the initial stages of dating for me are usually a bit hellish cause of my anxiety.
He's so understanding of my anxiety and tolerant of my moods as well, I can barely comprehend it sometimes- I'm so busy being intolerant of his every little flaw and all he is is open and understanding and giving and working so hard to cheer me up most of the time, it just kills me. Why do I have to be such a grumpy shit?
I know it's very likely my medication- I'm on Avanza (Remeron) and from when I first started taking it I noticed a bit of irritation, and now it seems to be getting worse. I guess it's a bit of russian roulette with medications- I was on Prozac, and that was a bitch for the first week especially, and afterwards I just felt kind of weak, and the no-sex drive thing really drove me up the wall (or not, as you prefer) I don't want to be on a medication that destroys my sex drive, goddammit. This one's side effects, aside from the irritability, are okay- I have increased appetite which is bad, cause I'm a tad more pudgy than I was before I started, and I'm sleepy a lot, but that's okay, means I get loads of sleep doesn't it!
But yeah... I'm calling my Dr. tommorrow to ask about the irritability, it's a bit unpleasant being a grumpy shit really, I am really starting to consider going no meds now that I've tried two that don't really work- I am not sacrificing my sex drive again, that was shite. But yeah, we'll see how I go...probably going no meds just seems like a good idea because I'm buoyed up by the medication. woot!
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