*squealing like a schoolgirl*

The full Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix teaser trailer, at YouTube (I would post it here but I keep getting a YouTube error when I try to do that. Stupid...something!)

OMG!!!

(Even if it is dodgy filmed in a cinema stuff.)

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Eeep!

I just watched ten second teaser trailer for the next Harry Potter film. (Yes, I am one of those people.)

All I have to say: HOLY CRAP HARRY WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR HAIR?!?!?

*ahem*

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We got it sweet now, aint nothing calling, I'm at your feet now but girl, I'm still falling at ya!

Lordy, what a crazy night! Saw the Infadels, was good, saw (and met, briefly) the most gorgeous boy in the world. (Was also snubbed by him, clearly a homo.) Also saw my future wife, whom I have been stalking all semester (read: we had some classes together).

My brain cannot cope with the sheer volume of hotness I saw tonight.

Excuse me while I go to bed and erm...read a book. Yes. That's what I'll do.

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Blogging about...the weather... (take two)

So I know talking about the weather is so passe, but if you are in Brisbane, look at this weather! It's fucking exciting!

It's like someone's taken a perfectly beautiful day and put it in a wind-tunnel.

Only a few little anecdotes from my journey to/from the psychiatrist. (yep, still crazy)

Sitting at traffic lights, watching the lights and the pole they're suspended on bounce up and down is fucking scary. Especially when you're about to drive your shiny, newly repaired car straight under them. (Please don't fall on me, I couldn't cope!)

Okay, only one anecdote then. I could blog about being a crazy person, but that's boring. And I need breakfast.

Besides, I'm sure you're all sick of long rambling posts!

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Holy crap storm!

We just had a swirling, screeching sucking hailing maelstrom descend upon us here at g-central (haha the g-spot). It was actually quite frightening, what with being on the 12th floor and all, there were a few moments I was afraid the building was going to fall down!

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Cause what you don't want is okay, boy...it's nothing new to me...

So obviously yesterday it was harder to post than the day before, given that I didn't. Whoops!

Sorry kids- had work, and pretty much straight after work I went to a friend's place (The One Who Got Away, actually, although I'm changing my mind about that) to get drunk, watch Black Books, and play Trivial Pursuit.

Anyway, I didn't sleep too well on their cruddy futon, so I'm thinking I might crawl into bed now.

Ciao,

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PS. I just got sad about lots of things. Stupid alcohol, and its stupid being a depressant!

Cause baby I can't change the way it is....

So today's the first day it's actually been difficult to post. Mostly because I seem to have hit the bad part of mania again, when I am incredibly irritable and filled with dislike for most everyone and everything. So this is going to be a short one.

Dinner with friends, I was too grumpy for it, so nothing much to report. I texted AFL, no reply yet, but I'm not going to stress too much- took him a couple of hours to reply the other day, so meh.

Funny, I was in a really good mood at work this afternoon, but then about five minutes from home, something just clicked, and I went grumpy. I don't know why. This uncontrollable mood thing scares me. It's not like I don't try to control it, sometimes I just can't... or I go to all the effort of dragging myself out of the grumps, but something tiny triggers me and I slide back in a heap. I don't know. I am going to stop rambling now, and go to bed.

Ciao kiddies,

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The Anti-Climax... (hee!)

So after all that, we didn't actually have sex.

The gig was awesome, The Dukes of Windsor are hot, you should check them out! Great music, good looking boys... and the audience was super hot too- so if you are already a fan of the Dukes, you can rest assured that I probably think you are hot. It was almost painful, looking at all the beautiful indie boys and wondering why I had invited AFL. Indie boys are the best kind.

AFL and I danced a bit, my body pressed back against his. It was lovely, he was tall and warm and solid, his head occasionally bending to kiss or nuzzle my hair. We aren't casual or relaxed in our touching yet, so touching him, and having him touch me, is still fraught with nerves and excitement. Which is actually lovely. The heady rush of touching and being touched is still there- after all there's never touching better than the first few times you do it. He is lovely to touch...some quality in his skin and muscles, some nameless thing that I don't find with everybody... chemistry, I guess you'd call it- I still tingle when I touch him. Perhaps that's why I invited him, rather than trying to pick up some beautiful indie boy.

We went home after the concert ended and started to watch The Grudge with a couple of mates but I just wasn't in the moment. It was nice to be cuddled up on the couch, but the movie wasn't scaring me at all. Perhaps the first sign that I was a bit worn out- I couldn't suspend my mental chattering long enough to be afraid of the movie, like I usually can.

Got to bed, both of us torn- the possibility of sex was hanging in the air, mingling with our mutual tiredness, making everything a bit cloudy and confused. We half-heartedly started fooling around, even though I for one would have been content to just press myself naked against the length of him, and doze. He was kissing his way down my belly, with me watching him, but I wasn't responding how I should. It was almost mechanical, and he sensed it. He kissed my hipbone, and then looked up at me.

"Something just doesn't feel quite right tonight." I smiled inwardly, pleased that he'd seen it, pleased that he agreed.
"I was thinking exactly the same thing." I said something inane about how we shouldn't have sex just because we can, but wait until we want to. He nodded. Everything was lovely and relaxed, I wasn't stressed, and it took at least twenty minutes for the thought 'Maybe he just doesn't want to have sex with me?" to cross my mind, and I supressed it. So we slept.

I am also being crazy possessive about him, with no right to be so- some chicks (hot chicks!) he met at some function ran into us in the Valley last night, and literally begged him to go out drinking with them, while I stood and waited for him to finish chatting, I got all freaky and weird about it. Grrr! Also stalking chicks he knows on Myspace. Yes, I'm sad, my little adventures into creepy-stalker-girl-ness make me wonder if this thing is more trouble than it's worth. Or perhaps I just crave more from him than I'm currently getting.

I am honest to goodness not sure- I don't know if I would want to date him, if that was an option. I had considered discussing it with him last night but the topic never came up, and for the moment I am happy to let it rest. Go figure, letting thing happen as they will, maybe I have grown up a little bit lately?

So after all that musing, I've hit low again. I'm sure it will pass and it's only very mild, but you know it's never nice. I was reading a blog post over at pretty dumb things about how much she loves anal (I share this love) and it made me miss the ex a lot- despite all the problems, we had a lot of similar likes in bed, and there was the comfort of being always, always wanted, no matter what. Which I've never really had before. Got a bit frightened of never finding someone I love, even though I know that's ridiculous- and I didn't love the ex anyway. Unpleasant, but true.

As you may have seen in the last post, I am a little afraid that maybe I -can't- fall in love. Or perhaps, more specifically, that I can't fall in love with someone who is actually available to me. I have fallen in love, but that one, the one who got away, despite our brief 'interaction' was pretty much always un-available to me. Mope mope, angst, etc. *ahem*


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Fuck! redux (Heehee fuckdux!)

The mean reds continue... it's a hard thing to explain.

I was sitting in the movie, scared witless (The Grudge 2, go see it!) and suddenly I got a feeling (I get those sometimes) like I had suddenly stopped having a crush on AFL, and immediately started stressing about it. Even though, I know logically that even if this were true it doesn't really matter, it terrifies me because this is not the first time it's happened. Since that first freakout with the ex, it seems like I reach a point where some little switch inside my brain gets flicked, and I stop liking this person. No rhyme or reason, just WHOMPH and holy crap I've changed my mind.

The thought that this might happen every time absolutely terrifies me- I don't want to die alone half eaten by alsatians, just because I can't seem to maintain persistent crush/feelings for anybody. What's with that?

I know I get overly stressed about these relationship type things- while waiting for AFL to arrive at the pub last weekend, I got so stressed out I threw up. (I know, didn't tell ya that, did I?) I guess since I have already arranged to meet AFL tonight, I have extra time to get nervous, so the mean reds last a bit longer.

I am trying to chill out, just reading at home, but I am aware of it now and almost un-conciously looking every now and then to see if the fear is still there. It's a funny kind of fear- not like being surprised or anything like that- it's slow, and creeping, like thick oil in my blood. My heart beats a bit faster, a bit harder, struggling to clear it, but somehow it only makes it worse, spreads it deeper through me.

Despite all this whining, I am actually coping okay- no nervous breakdowns yet like with the ex, so woot. I am just grumpy that I feel it at all.

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Songs That Are Worth Pausing When You Sneak Off to the Loo

(Which takes like, two seconds anyway.)

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
Horropops - What's Under My Bed?
The Audreys - Banjo and Violin
The Audreys - A Little More
James Blunt - Out of My Mind
Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy
Amelie Poulain Soundtrack - Comptine D'un Autre Été: L'après Midi


In other news- The One That Got Away (dunno if I've mentioned him, ever?) offered me a free ticket to Sarah Blasko tommorrow. Gah! I am going to a different gig with a friend and AFL, and now I am all torn and confused! (Although, my libido, which is resting today, assures me that AFL is the better choice.) Anyway, I was second choice for the Sarah Blasko ticket- 'Do you want to go if this other person I invited doesn't?' That's crap.

The next month will be an awesome one for gigs- there's this one tommorrow, The Infadels next week, TZU the week after, and Dubdoubt and The Vasco Era. Woohoo live music.

I need to take some more pictures.

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Fuck!

I got the mean reds in the movie last night. Grr...now I can't seem to shake them outta my head. Screw you, world!

That is all I will explain for now, because I am scared talking about them will make them stick around.

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PS, mean reds is not euphemism for feminine troubles... google it, if you don't know.

Dammit, now my pop culture reference seems disgusting. *cries*

Edited: Cause I'm nice, I put in a link for you.

I was feeling guilty about posting so much...

But then I remembered that I am meant to be posting every day. So it's all sweet!

I survived the party...got a bit pissed off listening to my housemate bitch about how much he hates AFL every time I mention him, but he apologized this morning, which is a pretty big deal. Generally my housemate (also best mate) is one of those people who NEVER apologizes for anything, so yay!

Psychiatrist still slightly un-nerves me. We got to talking about sex (as you do) and it just freaked me out seeing him saying things like 'mutual masturbation' and 'cock'. Middle aged men shouldn't be saying these things in the same room as me, surely? (Hmm, I think my age is showing!)

I know, who knew I had hangups about sex?

I invited AFL to a gig this weekend, he sounds keen, so that's good.

I applied to withdraw from uni today. Hopefully with the supporting letter from my psychiatrist, this will mean the subjects I am about to fail won't appear on my academic record. Either way, I am not doing my exams, so I am officially finished for the semester! Woohoo!

I realize this is basically a post about what I had for breakfast, but I have no particular musings to express today. (Unusual, I know.)

I am going to see The Grudge 2 tonight, should be hot- the fantasticness of the original Grudge, plus schoolgirls! WHEE!

Am experiencing conflict about whether to go to Big Day Out... a few bands I like, and generally a fun experience- but can I afford it? I suppose I could just join the ticket ballot and see how I go. Hmm...

That's all for now,

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Help!

There's a dinner party at my house and all I want to do is run away into my room and read. Send help/vodka!

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Thinkity think think...

My housemate is freaking the shit out of me. He's had too much caffeine and has gone completely mental.

I am feeling a little shakey and on edge today (staying up til dawn reading probably has something to do with this) so forgive any possible incoherence.

(Some of this was written the day before yesterday, in case you hadn't already figured that out.)

Random Tidbits That I May or May Not Make Into Proper Posts:

1) There are a number of things that the CSP boy (lets name him...AFL) said and did while in the bedroom that I think should be sending up red flags, but possibly I am ignoring. Especially since, as I keep reminding myself, I am not planning to date him. Things like, he jokingly pretended to slip it in, after I had said no, using his thumb instead of his you know what. I wasn't all that impressed, seemed like a terrible joke. This makes him seem like a bit of an asshole. Am I being too uptight? There was other stuff, but I forget right this minute.

2) I think I might be getting a little bit of a crush on AFL. The need for reminders that I am not planning to date him, and the stalky myspace behaviour suggest this. Oh oh.

3) Despite all of this, in my typical mothy-flamey fashion, I am planning to text him tommorrow or perhaps Wednesday, to get laid. Cause, c'mon, it's still free sex with a hot boy. Even if he is an asshole, it doesn't matter, I'm not planning to date him anyway! When I first met him, the fact that I didn't really think that much of him was a bonus, cause it meant no problem with pesky things like falling in love etc. Hmm.

4) Umm, there is no four. Sorry dudes. Apart from, I am so screwed about uni, and for some reason I just don't care. I know that is horrific, but I think I have just blocked it out, and am pretending like none of it is happening. Frightening. I am thinking about un-enrolling, I've not been well for a bit of the semester, so hopefully that can be done.

5) Yep, that's definitely all I got for now. Breakfast time, kiddies.



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Shakespeare I'm not...

To booty call or not to booty call.

Now that's the fricking question.

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Dear readers...

It's been a whole two days since anybody commented. Was it the post about my nipples? Is anybody out there?

(I was going to do a meme to pass the time, but I got sidetracked by listening to 'Something's Under My Bed' by the Horrorpops for the hundredth time today.)

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Update:

You'll all be thrilled to know that the thing in my mouth has gone. Officially -not- a herpe.

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Oh, also...

I have a thing in my mouth. Some kind of weird oddly shaped lump. (I know, now you are all thinking I have herpes. But it's not a herpe, OKAY?!)

It's weird... but I chew on my lip sometimes while experiencing pleasures (tee hee!) perhaps it occurred sometime in the roughly 15 hours I spent in my bedroom on Saturday? Perhaps I was chewing in concentration during the 40 minute handy? (The fact that it took so long makes me suspect I was doing a bad job. Hehe, naw, not really. Screw it.)

There are other random tidbits about the sex stuff that I kind of want to post about, but for some reason I'm feeling a bit reticient. How strange.

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PS. Also after posting this I totally realized that you might have thought I meant I had a rude thing in my mouth. But I didn't, I swear. And boy, didn't that drive the csp boy mental. *giggle*

This is the post about that boy...a bit late, but better late than never, right?

I've been watching too much Harry Potter. I totally had the urge to say 'Mischief Managed' at the climax of a particularly vigorous episode in the bedroom. (Hey, 40 minutes of vigorous hand action and you'll go a bit silly too!)

I am absolutely tuckered out now. I had something mildly interesting to post about in relation to the whole thing with the csp, but it's slipped out of my head. Oh, wait...there it is...

*crows in un-ladylike fashion* I am the winningest winner evaaaaaah.

*ahem*

Patience is definitely a virtue, the satisfaction of him messaging me before I messaged him was -so- worth it. (Isn't that terribly juvenile of me?)

It's very interesting...because I am don't 'like like' him, I'm very relaxed and honest with him, which is kind of refreshing- I'm not scared to tease him a bit and give him a little bit of attitude when I feel like it, just for fun. It's good, perhaps I should carry this over into my regular relationships?

He's a total smartass, but I've been being the same and it's excellent fun. I'm surprised I didn't drive him mad today, to be honest- in bed all day, and we haven't actually had sex yet. (Yes, I'm a mean lady, but I love the anticipation.)


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The strange dichotomy of chemistry...

That right now, since I've had a few beers, I could either go for a nap... or text csp boy and get laid, and I am having trouble choosing!

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No, I'm not at all worn out from my weekend...

Picture with me, if you will, a kitchen. In that kitchen, is a girl (me) getting ready for breakfast- getting a bowl out, the cereal, the sugar, the milk, etc... putting all of this over at the breakfast bar so she can eat, getting a spoon, sitting down at the breakfast bar, picking up her spoon ready to eat, only to discover that her spoon, is in fact, a knife.
Doh.

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Bound by hurt dissolved, I pray my hurt dissolves, I set you free, please go...

So I know that last post was a little inane. I have a draft written explaining it all for you, but I just got back from the gig that the ex was also at, so forgive me if I am not all that keen on publishing a post crowing about how I got laid today, right this moment.

I had fun at the gig, thanks to those of you who advised me to go... it was scary seeing him again, but the bands - Wiseacre and The Casino Rumblers, Bad Moon Rising and The Resignators were awesome, and, holy of holies, I finally learned how to skank!

(Only about a hundred rockabilly/ska gigs too late, and just in time for me to not have a boyfriend to skank with anymore. Oh well. Better late than never I suppose.)

I had fun because the bands were so good, but it was hard to be there with him. At the same time it was kind of good. I was nervous as hell before he arrived, but once he did the conversation was actually okay. We are still really focused in on each other when we talk, in that way you are when you're in a couple, but don't notice until you cease being in that couple. It was difficult talking to him- we were talking closely, and there was a lot of subtext. Meaningful glances, searching each other's faces, all of that. You know how it is- you are both busy keeping a stiff upper lip and all that, but deep down all you want to say is 'I miss you. I wish things had worked.' *sigh*

Physically I was okay. Being so close to him was tough; when you get in the habit of touching someone, it becomes so much a part of your routine that its absence is blindingly obvious. Little moments where I think we both had to stop ourselves from doing the casual touching that was so much a part of who we were. He came back from getting a glass of water, and I could see in his whole body that he had to stop himself from reaching out to take my hand, or put his arm around me, like we would have when we were together. I had a little trouble too, mostly had my hands jammed in my pockets or twisted in my belt loops when we were standing close so I didn't crack. When he first arrived he was leaning on the table, and our forearms were about four inches apart- even from that distance my skin burned with wanting to be close to his.

Thankfully we are not complete bullshitters- neither of us tried to pretend that our lives had been awesome since we broke up. I am terrible at acting like everything's cool anyway. He mentioned that his last month had passed in a haze of (pot) smoke, which annoyed me, so I took the only jab I had at him all night, some vague implication that I have been getting back on the horse. So to speak. I regretted the implication pretty much instantly, he doesn't deserve to have me do that, considering he never did me any wrong, really.

We both probably drank a bit more than was wise, considering the circumstances, which is probably why he seemed pretty unhappy for the later part of the evening. I tried to cheer him up, even asked him to dance (yes, in hindsight that was really cruel, but I didn't mean it to be) because I wanted him to be happy, but it was too hard to get through. He was always near impossible to cheer up when sad, and I don't expect him to be all sweetness and light at the moment anyway.

There were burlesque girls also, which was pretty cute to watch, but incredibly uncomfortable to see with him. (However, nothing compared to how it'd be if we were still together, I get very jealous. At the last Wiseacre gig there were hula girls and I went absolutely mental about it, dissappeared in a huff cause he was looking at them. Yes, I'm stupid, I know.)

But yeah...it was hard, and it made me miss him, and we had a (okay, maybe two) nice long hug at the end, and I am having the irrational wanting him back right now. Gah. I am going to bed now, m'kay?

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(PS, I have edited for the millionth time, because I have too much to say, and lack the words to say it. Including the title, choice song lyrics abound!)

Complaints that aren't really complaints...

Sweet Jesus do my nipples hurt!

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Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!

I had another one night stand last night. Tee hee! We started out at the Normanby but it was dead, so went on to the Downunder Bar to pick up some hot tourists. (Oh yeah!) Obviously this was partially in aid of not cracking and chasing the boy. He must chase me, dammit!

We were dressed a bit emo, me in my new threadless tee, which was a hit with lots of people, and chucks and the like. Go the emo girls!

It was a fun night...I was mildly tipsy and filled with good-will for all men (men as in people, ok?!) being nice to people and flirting with hot bartenders and similar. There was a girl at our table who was quite cute, and quite obviously hung up on this loser boy who wasn't interested. I, in my drunken way, told her she could do so much better, and later in the night we ran into her with a much cuter boy. Excellent!

I was definitely in the mood for dancing- JustA and I were dancing like hussies, of course, and we had a few boys around tuning us, although for a while I was a bit disinterested. But then I actually looked at them, and sweet Jesus I changed my mind.

I seriously picked up the hottest boy alive. Well, maybe not the hottest, but pretty goddamned hot. I just tried to do a picture search on google to find pictures of boys similar, but there aren't any cause he was just TOO hot. Hehe...*ahem*.

Picture Orlando Bloom's bone structure, but with gorgeous olive skin, and intense eyes. And he's a builder, and goes to the gym a lot. *drooooooooool* And talking in a sexy English accent (even if it was an incomprehensible-at-times Leeds one). Mmmm oh yeah baby... so hot!

(Yes, this is gratuitous crowing. I would apologize, but I am not sorry. Also, given that I think I already failed at blogging every day this month, I am trying to make up for it and this is the best I can do.)

It was a good thing he was ridiculously good looking, because the sex was quite mechanical. You know mechanical sex, where there's not really the chemistry, the 'zing', you are just going through the motions?

So, in fact, despite being an attempt to stop thinking about sleeping with potential csp, it's made me want to more, because the chemistry with him was just soooooo damned good!

So, in sum,

1) Still want to sleep with csp boy.
2) So going back to Downunder Bar sometime!
3) Failed at blopowriwhatever, already.

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The white flag...

Okay Steph I agree- Myspace is totally the devil- I have had too much Myspace related angst in the last week. Gawd, dealing with text messages was enough, now I've got a whole 'nother medium of communication to deal with!

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*twitch*

I am not a patient girl. So, I texted the boy last night, when I was bored, saying so and asking what he was up to. Took him a couple of hours to reply, we had a brief text conversation, and blah di blah blah. I know that I should wait for him to text me next, as part of that whole, game thing, you know... but I hate the rules, and the game playing! I just want a boy to play with and exchange bored/possibly obscene texts with. *grin*

But yes, I know, it's new. And I don't want to scare him off just yet.

*evil grin*

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NaBloPoMo

So I have un-officially (until they let me in) joined in the effort of NaBloPoMo, so I am going to blog every single day for the whole of November. (Cause, y'know, I totally haven't been averaging more than that already lately...)

So, here's me promising to post every day. Enjoy!

Oh, also- would you believe that my pee samples weren't 'fresh' enough? I peed in TWO jars this morning, and consequently on myself, and I took too long to get to pathology. (I had to wait til 12 hours after I took my meds, but the pee samples had to be morning pee, and I took my meds at 1 am. You see my problem?) So I get to pee in jars AGAIN on Friday. AWESOME.


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So I'm still up...

....and, surprise surprise, blogging!

Hello world!

Things are good, I'm just bored and not tired. Give it twenty minutes for the meds to kick in and I will feel absolutely exhausted, but still be manic, so unable to sleep. (Yes, it's really as fantastic as it sounds.)

I am totally, completely, irretrievably in love with Damien Rice's new single, 9 Crimes... you guys should check it out- album releases on November 6 in the UK, not sure when here.

"Leave me out with the waste,
This is not what I do,
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you,
It's the wrong time
For somebody new,
It's a small crime,
And I've got no excuse...
And is that alright, yeah?"

Beautiful... there's more of course, but I won't bug you with my obsession with good lyrics. This song is more about the sound of the vocals and the melody anyway.

I get lots of medical tests tommorrow, yay! I'm getting a sexual health test (just to make sure everything's okay downstairs) and also a test for a UTI (urinary tract infection) and another test to make sure the medication I just started, Epilim, isn't trashing my liver. That means I get to pee into TWO tiny little cups. Awesome kiddies, I tells ya.

Anyway, I shall take myself off to bed now, the meds are starting to hit.

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PS. The new boy messaged, yay! Girl's gonna get some!