A Question for Readers

So there's a gig on this weekend- Wiseacre and The Casino Rumblers. I quite like them, and it's cheap, and the Casino Rumblers aren't here tooooo often.

However, the ex likes em too...I don't think he would mind if I was there but I'm a bit frightened of going, maybe seeing him will bring me down, etc etc.

So do I go?

Or do I be a good little vegemite given that exams start on saturday also?

Also, I don't want to go by myself, so do I take the new potential csp? (Presuming he wants to go, of course.)

He's a muso, so he might enjoy it, but on the other hand, we might end up making out, would it be tasteless to make out in front of the ex so soon (a month) after the breakup?

Where is Miss Manners when you need her?

g

Composition...

So, after spending a good hour (on and off, obviously) laboriously and painstakingly composing a reply to the boy's text, I was wondering- do boys do this too? Or even just other people?

When people I am interested in (usually people who I actually like, but hey, I'm concerned about the future of my next root!) text me, it often takes me ages to craft a reply- worrying about whether it's 'perfect' etc, etc.

Does anyone else do this? Or am I a fruit loop?

g

The hormones have taken over!

Just thinking about stuff from the weekend... maybe I'm being naive but the things he said were so the right things, so sexy, either he was sincere or he's reallllll practised. (Gee, I wonder!)

It's strange- at first I wasn't that keen, like I mentioned, but I could see him thinking on how to make a move, and it was fun to watch. We cuddled a lot first, but by that point I was absolutely -dying- for him to kiss me. He's a pretty good kisser- light, teasing. Actually, he is an excellent tease. And there's not much I adore more than a good tease.

Just little things, I tell ya...god the chemistry was great. My head keeps coming back to yesterday, in my bedroom... he pulled me over on top of him, noticed I wasn't enjoying being on top- the way he rolled me over instantly, pinned me under him with one knee. Fuck it was hot. We were kissing and rubbing against each other, pretty hard and intense, and I was panting and gasping as I do... he asked if it was going and further, and when I said it wasn't going to today, so we slowed down a little... when he rolled off he laughed and said 'That was almost too good.' I love it.

He told me he loved how I responded, and how soft my tongue was... hot little things that get my ego going as well as my hormones. He had a great ass... a lovely AFL body- all hard and wiry muscles, long and lean and not too bulky...gawwwwwd. I have been awash with hormones since, it's terrible but so GOOD at the same time.

*grin*

Ciao kids,

g

How does your garden grow?

(No, not a post about pubic topiary.)

After all that stress (of course) I get a text this arvo, and all is well.

Naturally, instead of replying straight away (too cool for that, yo!) I waited a few hours, savouring the brief interlude of sanity, before I inevitably go back to freaking out about why he hasn't replied to my reply. Stupid brain!


g

Late night plague ridden musings, redux...

I'm still thinking on the blog conflict I've had going on in my head- do I continue blogging here about everything, or start a separate blog that deals with my non-sex related life? I have a separate blog that I could use, so I guess it wouldn't be an issue, just means I would cut this one back to only sex related posts, and exploring my story ideas and pictures, etc etc... keep the other one for commenting on other non-sex blogs and the like. Does this seem sensible?

Obviously this is because I don't want to get a stalker from one blog, and have that bleed over into my everyday life. That could be awkward.

g

Mary Mary quite contrary redux...

The Hallween party was fun.

I am experiencing bizzare mental contrary-ness at the moment. Met a boy at the party, who I would not want to date, but I had a bit of a thing with (the chemistry was good!) and now my brain is being all funny about it despite me not liking him 'that way' at all!

I am all stressin out cause he didn't add me to his myspace or anything. (I know, I am having myspace related angst. Somebody should shoot me.) Here's the short version:

Current Stresses About The Boy (Who I Don't Actually Even Like Anyway, But Would Like to Have a Casual 'Thing' With)

1) He was on myspace yesterday (the last login date told me so) and totally didn't friend me, even though he is friends with my friend and nooo *wail*...
2) I was planning not to friend him. Cause that would be chasing, and I am not a chaser, yo!
3) I cracked and did so anyway. Cause, I am, in fact, apparently a chaser.
4) So now, I am totally sitting here constantly refreshing my myspace in the hope that he has accepted my friend request etc etc, (cause myspace tells me he's online) and left a comment, despite, aforementioned NOT ACTUALLY LIKING HIM!
5) Continued madness- he left a comment on the myspace of this girl he mentioned, while he was online, but didn't friend me. Farking hell! I quit, shoot me!
GAWD, brain chemistry is stupid, yo!
*shoots self in head*

Now the long version:

He's a friend of a friend- as soon as he got there a few of the girls at the party took their turns picking him up. I thought about it, but with all the competition and all, I opted out- I hate to chase, especially if I'm not that keen.

Of course, given that he was one of the only single boys there (that I was even slightly keen on) after he passed over all the other girls I got curious (and competitive!) and decided to have a go. I had chatted to him a few times through the night, testing the waters, but he had not seemed all that receptive (or very interesting) and a few of the girls at the party had decided he was gay.

So I say to my mates 'Alright, this is his lastchance, if he doesn't respond now, I am SO going out to get laid elsewhere!' (I was kind of randy, ok?) Went out on the balcony to talk to him, he responded well enough, we chatted, he asked for my number, said he had to go to another party (he had promised to go back, he left it to come to ours and stayed longer than he said he would) so I was like 'Yep, alright.' So the party continues for an hour or so, I waltz about, he calls and asks if it's worth coming back. (cue me, affronted at such a stupid question) He returns, party slows down, him and I end up on the couch together, chatting with other people and the like.

*cue hours (more likely minutes) of wishing he would stop talking, and maybe just make out with me, cause you know those hormones are giving me trouble, and he's warm, male, and there, plus it's dark so I can't really see his face, and he's got a nice body okay?*

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we slept on the couch together (there was somebody in my bed) and ended up making out and the chemistry was excellent. This of course, did not prevent me from continuing to think that he was a bit of a twat, and possibly a manwhore to boot. (I hate them manwhores, eh.) Anyway, he hung around the next day with us til like five pm (even though I kinda wanted him to bugger off in the morning, except then we wouldn't have had hot makeouts on my bed later) and he said he'd msg me so I had his number, etc blah di blah di blah. (This is rapidly turning into the longest, ramblingest post ever.)

The intensity of this feeling, and the obsessive thinking type stuff is frightening- is it normally like this? Is it like this for normal people (ie. non bipolar people?)? I would be more accepting of it if I had you know, liked him as a person, but this is a bit ridiculous. I know my fondness for good chemistry has gotten me into trouble before (see Voldemort, the ex who shall not be named) but gawd. This whole bipolar thing is a little frightening- is this just mania? Or are these feelings 'normal'... whatever that means? Or is it just rebound...I hear you can get some pretty intense stuff for completely inappropriate rebound, what do you reckon guys?

Also, in case you were wondering, I don't want to date this boy...maybe just have some kind of nice 'arrangement' with him, y'know... casual sex buddies would be excellent!

g

PLUS! I just looked at pictures from my ex's halloween party, held sat night, and it was much huger than mine, and some friends of ours who didn't go to mine went to his, so now I am having massive party inferiority complex. GAH!

Mary Mary quite contrary...

I am having the rather surreal experience of having a crush (obsessive thoughts, worrying about how he feels about me, etc) on someone that I don't actually like, as a person.

How odd.

Is that even possible?

g

'Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...'

Today I've been thinking a lot. (I know, you guys are like, so totally shocked!) About all sorts of things, many of them not solid or cohesive enough to turn into their own blog post. At least, not just yet. Musings on my relationship and all that. You all know how fucked up you get after you break up with someone- in some ways I think it's worse being the dumper, because then there's always the tempting and torturous possibility of changing your mind.

As though changing my mind would fix something, as though just the act of breaking up could have somehow changed our relationship, changed all the problems- erased all those times when I spoke to him, needing something, and not getting it, whatever it was. I don't really understand it myself. Things just weren't there. It feels horrible- I've never had someone try so hard for me, give everything they had just to please me like that. For it still to not be enough makes me hurt so much.

I don't know if I could go back, go to him and say 'I'm sorry, I've changed my mind- can we go back to the way things were?' and hope that he would take me back. Mostly because while I want him back, I don't want to go back to the way things were- things were difficult, and I spent most of my time, especially when I wasn't with him, torturing myself for not feeling the way I wanted to- about our relationship, about him. And it was horrible. As much as he was the sweetest boy, and caring and giving...god, he gave so much to me, it just wasn't enough. I don't know why... all that time I spent trying to make myself love him. I know, it seems so stupid now- you can't make yourself love someone, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much they might deserve it. I guess you especially can't love someone just because they love you. How different would the world be if you could?

To think all this musing started from some boy's smile on TV. His smile reminded me of the boy somehow, in some way, and I started thinking about how my early relationships have shaped (and are shaping) the kind of boy I'm attracted to. That little smile he had...I don't know what it was about it, just something. Some feeling, some association I made- that little smile makes me think of the good things- when he was giving, and sweet and forgiving and a soft place to fall. I still want that quality in someone else, and I've pegged it to the visual of that little, slyly subtle mousey smile. Crazy, I know.


I've been trying to reclaim my music today, too- some songs that I sort of associated with the boy, listening to them and ignoring the pain, trying to make them -mine- again. They were mine once, and I want them back. Some really sweet powerful songs- like Matis Yahu's "King Without a Crown" and other sillier ones like Wiseacre's "Girl With a Hole In Her Pants"... actually probably neither of those songs were ever just mine, since I discovered them while I was with the boy. But I want them to be mine now. It's hard though, King Without a Crown, while it dragged me out of some (of the many) deep holes I'd gotten into, making me hopeful and optimistic, is still mostly associated with the times I listened to it with the boy- in front of the computer, turned up loud, my back pressed against his chest, his arms around my waist- swaying gently and singing along. Him in that silly whispery little voice of his.

Wiseacre's memories are a bit less silly, even though the songs aren't- it was the first gig we went to together (while we were together, anyway, we both went to The Herd separately before we were going out, and met up with mutual friends there) and even though I was expecting to have a miserable time (because I was miserable) it was fantastic- we danced and cuddled and it filled me with hope and optimism for us- the belief that yes, I could feel the way I wanted, if I really wanted.

I think one of the scariest things at the moment is the possibility that the only reason I didn't love him was because of my anxiety/depression, rather than him just being someone I couldn't love. I am really scared of that, because if it's true then it means I might never fall in love with someone I can actually have. It might sound ridiculous, but it seems very real to me- was it just 'not right' or did I just cut myself off from my feelings somehow, unconciously, because I was too scared?

At first, the first night we met, and our first date (non-official) things were fantastic, the feelings were all there and right and stuff- it wasn't til I had the freak out on that weekend that I stopped having feelings for him. At least I think so- but it's a chicken/egg question, really- did I stop having the feelings cause I freaked out, or did I freak out because I stopped having the feelings? I always felt like it was the second one, but shrinks and friends all reckon that maybe the anxiety and the depression started first, and made me not feel, I tried very hard to believe them- thinking that once I got done being depressed/anxious I would like/love him again.

I don't know. I know that getting to know someone better, and maybe deciding they aren't who you thought they were is just part of the process. But it all seemed so sudden- although I got a bit stressed out at him (while drunk) on the friday night before our date, about some Suicidegirls thing (I stressed that I wasn't 'alternative' enough for him) things were okay then, and then suddenly saturday WHAMMO while talking to him, I start feeling like I'm humouring him, and I don't want to be humouring him- I want to find him interesting and fascinating, especially on our second bloody date, so I freak out. He's really sweet about it. And seven (nearly eight) months later, here I am, trying to figure out the same problem that plagued me from the start. I don't want this relationship to be something that I will always not quite understand, you know? Was he just 'not right' for me? Was it just that I didn't like him? Or did I really feel for him, and somehow un-conciously drive those feelings away?

I'm so lost and scared right now, and rambling, so that's it.

g

The small things...

Yay! I just ate an ice cream that I had forgotten about buying and stashed in the freezer.

Excellent!

g

*stomps*

I am in the middle of sewing my costume for our Halloween party this weekend, and now the sewing machine just refuses to co-operate. It's something to do with the bobbin, looks fine on the top of the fabric, but underneath it's like threads on speed- lots and lots of thread where there should only be one holding the stitch in place.

AHHHHHHHH.

g

*yawn*

I have officially become jaded- the second time in the last little while that I've been out and not really that interested in talking to people or dancing with them.

Went to the Normanby, which is the home of the beautiful people... they were there of course, and lovely to look at, but a couple of guys tried to chat us up (the first one was gorgeous!) but I just wasn't really that into it. How bizzarre!

LOL I guess it is kind of fair enough, though- still a little burned I guess, and I haven't been drinking lately either, so less social anyway.

Sleepytime now,

g

Exchanging goods...

Well that wasn't so bad... it helped that he has gone and gotten a stupid hair cut & colour. I loved the emo hair he had before, one of my favourite things, so it was easier that it was gone. (That is really lame, isn't it? That his emo fringe was one of my favourite things.)

But yeah, it was okay. I had much more stuff at his place than I thought, including my playstation and half of my books. I was on (or over) the verge of tears the whole time, but he knows me so I don't imagine he was surprised. We chatted a bit, mostly about my uni work and him getting carried home from a party on the weekend. (When sad, I procrastinate, he drinks!)

It was okay. We hugged when he came in, and had a long sad kinda hug when he left, it was good.

I didn't feel one way or the other about my decision though, oh well. Still sad now, I cease rambling here.

g

The boy is coming round to get his stuff in the next hour or so...

I am sitting here terrified out of my mind.

Wish me luck.

g

100th post!

So I was going to whinge about something or other, then I realized this is the hundredth post. Such an important milestone is not to be wasted on whinging, ok??!

Instead I will talk about impending awesomeness in my life, in the spirit of positivity. (And then, after I post this, the 101th post will be whinging. Hah!)

So I am having a Halloween party soon, and, in a most heterodox fashion, I am having it on the 27th of October. (I know I am SO cutting edge!)

This party will be mucho fun, and I will get sloshed, dance, but not fall down, get sloshed some more, and not be at all sad about anything, okay? Unless I want to.

I am also going to New Zealand in February for a while, which will be tres awesome! Yay booking flights ages ago so it seems like they were free by the time I actually fly!

I am about to watch Dr. Phil help The Osbournes. How fantastic is that? Dr. Phil is becoming trashier- not like Oprah who started out trashy and is now ever-loving-earth-woman.

In other news, I SOLVED THE PUZZLE! .... I know I didn't actually mention the puzzle here yet, but I have this little metal puzzle called the Jackaroo's Stirrup, that has been driving me absolutely mad. I had concluded that it couldn't be done, but then my housemate did it, so I had to try.

The trick is to get absolutely PISSED and then try. Bwahaha!

And, the one that got away couldn't do it. So now I get to feel smarter than him, whee!

Okay, well I'm going to eat breakfast now before Dr. Phil.

Ciao kiddies,

g

PS. Kitteh was pinched from Cute Overload.

Things not to do, redux...

Do not, under any circumstances...start happily getting pissed with your mates, then invite your mate, and his friend round, who also happens to be the 'one who got away' for you, round to your house. FUCK.

g.

Well it's over now, and they're gone, so I'll just return to feeling like sccccccccuuuuuud.

Note to Self, Number 447:

Whatever you do, don't look at pictures of your ex from when you first started going out and he was all cut and hot...

*slaps forehead*

g

Yoyoing....(break up, redux part infinity)

Today I am convinced that breaking up was a mistake. I miss him terribly and just want to get back together.

*sigh*

Make up your mind already, brain.

Ciao,

g

Breakup, redux, part deux

Sorry to blabber on but I kind of want to write this down, just to get it out, and to remember.

I've been extra sad today...been having sad moments all week but nothing too scary, today was extra scary. It's been an eventful and exhausting week I guess so it's not really surprising that I'm feeling rather burnt out.

I have so much uni work to do (five assignments of more than 1500 words each due in the next week) and I haven't done any of it. I think I am going to have to ask for extensions just to get it done.

Luckily I seem to have whooping cough, so at least I can get a medical certificate. (As if having whooping cough is something lucky.)

In the non sad news it's still been an eventful week- I had my very first one night stand on Wednesday night. Very out of character for me, but I was drowing my sorrows and I wanted to. That's okay, isn't it?

I feel a bit horrible, but it's not like I've moved on. I was just...distracting myself for a while.

Went out to the Walley on Friday night but I was feeling pretty sick and my heart just wasn't in it- I didn't even want to talk to cute boys or dance with them. Still had fun, just got annoyed with all the boys talking to me and trying to dance with me (HORRIBLE, I know!).

Back to the moping...I just miss him a lot right now, still. I want to msg and find out how he is, make sure he's okay (possibly selfishly to make myself feel better). I am also paranoid that our mutual friends might hate me now, one has been kinda distant. I ran into two of his other friends while out on Friday, and they hesitated to hug me. I said 'You must hate me now,' and he assured me they didn't, but you know how it is.

Yes, I am rambling. Sorry, to bed with a cup of tea for me!

g

Break up, Redux

Sometimes I miss him so terribly, it seems like breaking up with him was the stupidest thing I ever did. But not always, thankfully.

g

The day after the night before...

You'll have to forgive me while I wallow in unseemly misery, it's kinda what happens. You're lucky I didn't post late last night before I went to sleep- all I could think about was how much I miss him.

God, what's with that? Even though you didn't like someone as much as you wanted to when you were together, you still think you're going to die from missing them when you break up? Brain chemistry is weird, yo.

So it sucks and it's weird and it hurts. I know I will live of course. I guess I'm kind of keeping a record for posterity.

Somebody buzzed at the door this morning, and I was terrified that it was him. It wasn't though. Still anxious now though, bloody flight or fight response.

Ciao kiddies,

g

That's just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated.

So it's over with the boy. I guess you probably saw it coming. I'm sure everyone else did. I think it's probably the right choice but it never feels good, does it.

g

Clocking up the zzs....

Is it odd to want a nap at eleven thirty in the morning?

g

I have...a feeling...

I don't know what kind of feeling. I'm trying not to stress myself out by making the habitual assumption that this weird & uncomfortable feeling means I want to break up, but it's hard.

Okay? So, I have, a feeling. That's all.

g

Boys = troublemakers!

So I get a drunken (I think) email from an ex this morning, about how much he misses me. I wouldn't go there again, I just wasn't attracted to him in real life (met him online) but it still makes me feel like a big meanie.

g

My libido is looking up too...

Perhaps staring intently, doing that bum wiggling thing your cat does just before it tries to catch wildly inappropriate prey.

After blogging (and some porn and all that that entails) last night, I went to bed, thinking of sleep, still coughing. I cuddled up to the boy and he moaned in his sleep, his skin was hot and silky and I wanted him.

After a moment's hesitation, (well, actually more than a moment, I had been thinking about going in and fucking him senseless while porning several minutes earlier) I thought 'Fuck it- what boy is going to complain about being woken up in the middle of the night for sex?'

I touched him, my skin tingled, and we fucked. Hello libido!

g

Late night plague ridden musings...

No, I don't really have the plague, just the cold from hell- I just took some cough syrup and it has done approximately nothing. AWESOME.

Anyway, I've been thinking about getting back into blogging again. (Yes, I know, I always say that.) Considering the direction I want this blog to go...sexblogging is fun, but with the brain chemicals being out of whack, my sexdrive can be quite slack at times. It's also tricky because I enjoy the sense of community I have from reading blogs of non-sex-bloggers like Steph and commenting back and forth, but I feel like maybe it's somehow inappropriate to blog too graphically about sex or post pictures when I'm linking to blogs like that.

A blog identity crisis, how odd.

I know I could just sex blog separately, but I still like to talk about my life a bit in my sex blog, and it seems unlikely that I will happily re-type stuff for two blogs. Can't copy + paste, I am vaguely paranoid that that would make outing sex blogger me more likely. Not that anyone would really want to out me, as bizarre as it is, nobody I know would be too shocked by reading this blog. Even by my angst ridden musings about the boy- I know the meaning of being painfully honest.

I don't want to blog just sex- there is more to my identity than that, and at times when my sex life is a bit thin on the ground (thanks, libido, thanks a lot) my blog wouldn't be all that interesting, now would it? Maybe I could put the raunchy posts behind a cut or something, would that help?

Well, I'm about to have another go at sleeping (I came out here rather than keeping the boy awake with my coughing) so ciao all.

-g-

Things are looking up, no joke....

Despite my psychiatrist tentatively diagnosing me as bipolar (pending further investigation) things are looking up. I am off meds at the moment, and weirdly I am good.

I know, who would have thought? I still get down every now and then, but it seems to me that I got more down when I was on Edronax, and the happy I have now is happier than when I was on Edronax. Maybe it's mania, or whatever, but I don't mind, it's pretty good.

Things with the boy are good, I am much less stressed about our relationship. We interact well, I feel kinda mushy sometimes. I am hopeful.

*smile* Of course writing that makes me scared I'll jinx it. Silly, huh?

Ciao for now,

g